


Endling

by badlifechoices



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Shapeshifting, Shifterverse, actually more plot than the summary suggests, hinted one-sided chulu in later chapters, mentioning of slavery, or maybe past chulu, or something akin to it, still on the Enterprise tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-02-23 13:16:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 52,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2548859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badlifechoices/pseuds/badlifechoices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a shifter, a person who can change from human form to the one of a big cat, has always been normal for Pavel. He was born this way. But in order to enlist in Starfleet he had to start hiding his true nature to pass as a human. When he falls head over heels for a certain CMO he doesn't know what to do anymore. Because on one hand he's scared to be reported but on the other hand it feels wrong to keep such a secret from him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All the thanks and love to my Bonesy (dammitiamadoctor.tumblr.com) for making me the most beautiful graphics!

**Endling**

_**[en-dling]** _

_An endling is an individual that is the last of its species or subspecies. Once the endling dies, the species becomes extinct._

* * *

 

There are only two people on the ship who know his secret. The pilot, Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu knows because he is his best friend and there are no secrets between them. The nurse, Christine Chapel knows because she is the one who has been tampering with his medical records ever since he enlisted in Starfleet to make sure no one else discovered his secret and that he passed all his physicals despite him not quite… fulfilling all the requirements Starfleet has for its cadets. No one else suspects anything, Pavel is sure of it, the rest of the crew see nothing in him but the brilliant and cheerful whiz-kid who saved their arses more than just once and comes up with the most brilliant ideas in critical situations.

When he decided to actually enlist, the boy has been sure that his secret would come out sooner or later; he’s never thought that he should be able to keep it for himself for so long. Especially since the conditions – the ship isn’t that small if you spend five years aboard it and with a crew of over four hundred other people around – weren’t exactly optimal to hide that he wasn’t even completely _human_. And yet he somehow managed to get through his years at the academy, Nero and Khan and the first year of their five mission without anyone starting to get suspicious. Well, he is kind of sure that Nyota isn’t quite as unsuspecting as the rest of the crew but even if she knows anything, she never loses a word about it and Pavel knows that if she knows, his secret is safe with her.

What he didn’t expect when he enlisted was that he would find someone among Starfleet’s officers who would make him feel guilty for lying to everyone and who would make everything so very complicated. Because really, all he wanted was to tell him the truth but he was afraid of the consequences…

 

His alarm tears him from his thoughts and he hurries to turn it off so it won’t wake Hikaru before he rolls out of his bed with a quiet yawn. He always wakes up about half an hour before his alarm goes off - his inner clock won’t let him sleep any longer - but he got used to lying in bed for just a little longer because he’s not exactly in a hurry. Rubbing a hand over his eyes, he grabs a set of fresh clothes and disappears into the bathroom. His reflection in the mirror stares back at him with the same tired expression that he expected and Pavel blinks a few times until the strange green glow in his irises disappears. Then runs a hand through his messed up hair. Usually he would go for a run now, it’s still early enough that the delta shift is on duty and the alpha shift is not yet awake, so the hallways are empty. Running through the ship gives him a strange feeling of satisfaction. It's something the small gym or the treadmill donn't provide but the doctor has announced that today would be the day for his annual physical and therefore forbid him to do any kind of sports before the examination.

So instead of going for a run, he takes a quick shower – he’d rather take a long shower but alas junior officers weren’t granted the luxury of having their own water showers and sonic showers aren’t as relaxing – and gets dressed to head for sickbay. He knows he’s way too early but Christine promised that if he just showed up before any of the doctors were on duty, she’d be able to get him through the procedure without having to explain why the teen preferred to be examined by her rather than one of the male doctors or nurses. His footfalls barely make any sound as he makes his way to the turbolift and his heightened senses pick up everything around him. He picks up the slight changes in the steady humming of the warp core, how it picks up pace every few minutes, only to slow down again; something the other crewmen, even mister Scott who knows the ship like she's his lover, aren’t aware of. Pavel can hear the sounds of the computer through the walls and the faint footsteps and muffled voices of people in the neighbouring corridors. The sounds that scared him when he first set foot on the ship are now more soothing than anything he ever expected. Now he doesn’t know how to fall asleep without the ship lulling him to sleep anymore. It has become his natural habitat, so to speak of and he is certain that it will take him a long time to adjust to earth again once the five year mission is over. Just as he will have to adjust to living without the family he had found here. But he still has almost four years until then, he can push the thought aside for now.

Sickbay is vacated as was to be expected, there are no patients, the few cases of Andorian flu they had about a week ago have been transferred to their own quarters after only a few days, leaving only a row of empty biobeds. Humming quietly, he sits down on one of the beds to wait until nurse Chapel would join him, letting his gaze wander over the white walls and clean bedside tables, to the door of the CMO’s office. The thought of Doctor McCoy makes him smile. He’s developed a crush on the man in his first weeks on the ship and he’d spend the first months thinking it was entirely hopeless but now he is pretty sure that the doctor likes him at least a tiny bit. He’s been friendlier than usually the last times Pavel has shown up in sickbay and when he was on the bridge a few days ago, he stood behind him for at least ten minutes, with his hand resting on the back of the navigator’s seat, his fingers brushing against his shoulder every now and then. Even now he feels like an army of butterflies is invading his stomach when he remembers it. Maybe he does have a chance with the older man after all…

His head snaps up as he hears steps approaching him and then the sound of a door sliding open. “Christine…” he starts but quickly quiets when he realises, that Christine’s steps are a lot lighter and that her scent is a lot sweeter. Surprised, he twists his upper body to look at the person that just walked into sickbay only to find that it was indeed the doctor and not the nurse he has been expecting. McCoy looks a lot more surprised to see the Russian there than Pavel is to see him but he recovers quickly and a worried expression takes over his features.

“Pavel. Is everything alright?” His brows are drawn together in a frown, as he makes his way over to the teen and he seems to be looking him over for any kind of injuries. Pavel can see him relaxing when the older man doesn’t find any obvious wounds. The navigator only nods and flashes him a smile that turns out a lot more nervous than it was supposed to be. He feels the same urge to shift closer to the other male but he disregards it. For now it is more important to explain his presence here to the surprised doctor.

“Eweryzeng is fine, ser. I am jut vaiting for Christi- Nurse Chapel. She promised to do my physical so I do not haff to miss part of my shift later.” His father always said that when you lie, you should stick as close to the truth as possible and that’s what he’s doing and the doctor seems to believe him. He raises an eyebrow and the corners of his lips twitch in what looks almost like a little smile. Pavel likes it. He thinks the doctor should smile more often because it looks good on him. He especially likes the little crinkles around his eyes and the way his whole expression softens.

“Well, if you’re that eager to get your physical done, I can do it now. It’s not like I got anythin’ better to do except work on those reports.” He gives a little shrug and the Russian feels almost bad for having to tell him that it’s not like that… he doesn’t want to tell the doctor that he doesn’t want _him_ to do it because it would mean that he doesn’t trust the older man and he does. He trusts him enough that he wants to just blurt out what’s on his mind, tell him everything about his secret and how badly he wants the doctor to just look at him and smile like that again… But his instincts outweigh his desire to speak the truth. He’s been taught to be careful around people and even other members of his kind. His mother told him not to trust anyone, no matter how friendly they seem. And even though Pavel is convinced that McCoy wouldn’t betray his trust, he knows that the doctor has a duty to Starfleet and that his regulations would force him to report him.

“I- uh…” He begins but he still can’t decide what he wants to say and the doctor’s raised eyebrow and questioning expression isn’t exactly helping. Feeling his cheeks heating up, he stares at his own hands instead, spreading his fingers and watching them as though they’re the most interesting thing in the world right now. “I already spoke viz Miss Chapel about eet.” It sounds more like a question than a statement but when he looks up he believes to see a hint of disappointment in McCoy’s face. The Russian doesn’t understand why but he feels like he’s just said something terribly wrong.

The doctor just shrugs and gives him a little nod. “If that’s so, I’ll better get back to those reports. But just as a warning, Christine likes her men a bit older and with pointy ears if you get what I mean.” Oh. _Oh._ The doctor thinks, he likes Christine. Pavel wants to explain himself, wants to tell the other male how very wrong he is thinking that but the doctor is already on his way to his office and the teen feels like calling out to him and confessing his feelings right in this moment would be a bad move. So he just keeps sitting there, on the edge of the biobed and watches the other man’s back until he’s disappeared through the door of his office. Biting his bottom lip he goes back to staring at his fingers but he’s unable to keep himself from sneaking a glance at the closed door every now and then. He shouldn’t feel so bad about this; he can’t even be sure that the doctor feels anything for him but companionship or even responsibility. Pavel has been the baby of the crew ever since he set foot on the Enterprise and some of the other crew members have already confessed that they see him as some sort of younger brother or even son they have to take care of. He hated it at first but now he’s kind of okay with it. He just hopes that a younger brother, or a son isn’t what doctor McCoy sees in him.

He doesn’t have to wait for very long until Christine joins him in sickbay, her usual wide and friendly smile on her lips, as she makes her way over to him, ruffling his hair as a greeting – a gesture that Pavel hates because everyone does it and it’s simply annoying by now but when she does it, it’s okay.

“I hope I didn’t let you wait for too long, Pavel.” She seems happy and not at all grumpy like Hikaru tends to be in the morning. The Russian only shakes his head, mumbling a little ‘no’ before slipping off the edge of the biobed. She seems to notice that something is wrong though because she gives him a look of concern before leading him over to the last biobed in the row and drawing the curtain shut around them so no one will be able to get a glimpse of what’s going on.

“Leonard is already here, huh?” It’s not really a question and one look at the teens face is enough to tell the nurse that she’s right. Of course she knows about Pavel’s adoration for the older man, she was the first to notice it, even before the teen himself did and Pavel knows that she thinks it’s the cutest thing ever. She even encouraged him to show up in sickbay every once in a while and told him to ask the doctor and the Captain if he was allowed to sit with them in the mess. The woman shakes her head and mutters something about how overly complicated they are and orders him to take of his shirts and trousers so she can begin the examination.

It’s the usual routine, his lungs and heart get checked, his muscles and reflexes, hearing and vision. Christine alters most of the results before putting them into her report and she seems to be satisfied with everything, only tells him to eat less sweets – she always says that but Pavel can’t help his craving for sweet foods. In the end she tells him to shift into his other form. Pavel turns around to take of the rest of his clothes, hesitating only a moment to listen if there’s anyone around but when the only sounds he can hear is the soft beeping of the various instruments, he does as he’s told. Shifting into his other form is as easy as it is for a human to change clothes, he feels just a little moment of discomfort, as he body stretches and the muscles and bones inside him rearrange but it’s over within seconds.

He feels almost more at home in this form than in his human body, giving a content hum, as he stretches his legs and cranes his neck to look up at the nurse. Christine doesn’t look too impressed by his shifter form but then again she’s seen him like this quite a few times already. She only pats the biobed and Pasha obediently jumps onto the bed, stretching out comfortably so she can measure him.

“You’ve grown.” She remarks, adding the measurements to another, private file that she’s been keeping for the last years. “You still have a few inches left but soon, you’ve reached the average height for an adult of your-“ The nurse stops immediately, when the cat lifts its head to stare at the curtain. They both hear the door of the office opening and footsteps nearing them. Within seconds, Pavel has shifted back, grabbing his briefs and putting them on again before reaching for the rest of his clothes.

“I am done now, Miss Chapel, am I not?” He asked, while struggling to get into his clothes. “Eweryzeng is fine, is eet not?”

“Of course. I just need to give you your vaccine and then you can go.” Christine didn’t even falter, she was as professional as one could expect from a trained Starfleet officer and nurse.

She draws the curtains back again while Pavel is still busy putting on his shirts again and he spots the doctor standing in the door of his office watching them. Somehow he feels guilty though he doesn’t even know what for. He avoids looking at the older man until Christine is done with the hypo stabbing and tells him to run along so he won’t be too late for his shift. Before he leaves the medical bay though, he turns around and finds that McCoy is still watching him, with this kind of weird and unreadable expression on his face. Before he knows, the Russian finds himself giving the older man a little wave and a little smile, then he hurries out of the sickbay before the situation can get any more embarrassing.

Pavel makes it to his shift only a few minutes late and he apologises to the Captain before rushing over to his seat at the helm, relieving the navigator of the delta shift. Hikaru is already there, obviously still tired but the pilot nevertheless gives him an encouraging nod. The Russian smiles at his friend and answers the few mumbled questions about his physical honestly, though without mentioning anything about doctor McCoy being there before he was supposed to be. He’s pretty sure Hikaru knows that something is amiss anyway. The man seems to have a sixth sense for things like that and sometimes Pavel jokes that he would make a better shifter than he does.

“If you would focus on your job instead of chatting, Mister Chekov…” Kirk’s voice interrupts them though the Captain doesn’t sound like he’s actually irritated by their talking.

“Yes, Keptin!” Pavel just throws over his shoulder before focusing on his controls.

His shift is boring, mostly he spends it with recalculating their course every few minutes but he can’t stop his mind from wandering to more interesting places. He wonders if the doctor is busy with the other crew members’ physicals or if he is back to working on his reports. Does he really think that Pavel is interested in Christine? What if he thinks that this is the reason for the Russian to visit sickbay so often in the last months. In truth he does it because he likes to see the doctor work and he loves their little conversations but of course he wouldn’t admit that out loud. Maybe if Pavel just admitted that he really liked him a lot… but then again he can’t be sure that the older man is just trying to look out for him and he’s not sure if it isn’t better to keep admiring him from afar than to be openly rejected.

They have lunch once their shift is over and Pavel has to resist the urge to walk past sickbay on his way back to their quarters – it would be more than just obvious, since sickbay is about two decks below theirs. He still has reports to finish but he can’t really concentrate with Hikaru tending to his plants – he likes to talk and even sing to them and it’s more than just a bit distracting – so he takes his PADD to the observation deck with him. It’s by far his favourite place on the ship. He loves to sit in front of the huge windows, or rather screens, since they’re actually just made to look like windows, and look outside. Most of the others say they are bored by the darkness of the universe by now but Pavel still thinks it’s beautiful. The stars and planets and nebulas are as fascinating to him as they were on his first day on the Enterprise and he likes to come up with names for constellations that rush past them too fast to be remembered for too long.

There’s no one else there at this time of the day and he enjoys the silence, for once able to focus on his task entirely. The teen is almost done with the first of his reports, when he hears the doors of the turbolift open. He doesn’t mind it, just keeps working. The deck is after all open for everyone. But when he hears footsteps approaching him, he looks up only to see the one person he was expecting the least. The doctor doesn’t say a word as he joins Pavel at the window and sits down next to him. The Russian can’t help wondering what he’s doing here but he decides to wait until the other male speaks up and goes back to his report.

The navigator finishes his report, proofreads it for spelling mistakes and gets started on the next one before the older man actually says something.

“Christine sent you the results of your physical. But she says you should come in again because you’re missing one of your vaccines.” Neither his voice nor his face give away what he’s thinking but he is sitting close enough that their arms are almost touching and Pavel can feel his warmth through his sleeve. He feels incredibly nervous all of a sudden, his fingers tightening their grip on the PADD. The teen chides himself for acting like an inexperienced little girl but then again he’s never felt this way before and he’s afraid to do something wrong.

With a little smile he finally glances up at the older man and mumbles a ‘zank you’, before going back to scrolling his report without actually reading it.

They sit quietly for another while, neither of them knowing quite what to say apparently until the doctor stands up again and for a little moment rests his hand on the younger male’s shoulder. “I’ll see you around, Chekov.” He starts off towards the turbolift but Pavel finally manages to gather enough courage to call out to him.

“Doktor, McCoy, vait!” The doctor does indeed halt in his steps and turns around to watch the teen scramble to his feet.

“What is it, kid?” Pavel used to correct him when he used that word to address him but he’s given up on that by now, knowing it’s of no use. Also he’s kind of okay with it now, as long as the doctor is the only one who calls him that. He figures the older male will stop eventually once he’s older.

“Do you- I meen… vould you like to maybe play chess viz me sometime?” The doctor seems surprised for a moment but then his lips curl into something that is even more of a smile than the almost smile from earlier today.

“Why not? I’m free tomorrow after my shift. You’re on alpha shift tomorrow?” Pavel feels himself break into a happy smile, as he nods.

“Yes I am! Ve can meet in vone of ze rek rooms if you vant.” The teen hesitates for a little moment, then adds: “Or ve can play here if you do not mind. Zere are not so many people. Ze rek rooms are wery crowded most of ze time.”

McCoy glances at the huge screen/window and then back at the Russian and Pavel can practically see him thinking before he nods. “That’ll work. I’ll meet you here then.”

The Russian nods again and follows him into the turbolift. Neither of them says another word until they reach the deck where the junior officers’ quarters are located. Pavel is about to leave the lift, when he feels the doctor’s hand on his arm for a little moment. Looking up he finds himself face to face with the doctor and for a moment they stay that way, only inches apart and the teen is almost waiting for one of them to cross the distance between them and press their lips together. Instead the older man gives him a gentle smile, before letting go of his arm again.

“Goodnight.”

Pavel only nods, too surprised to actually say something back before he doors of the lift close again. He makes his way back to his quarters and once he’s through the door he breaks into a wide grin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jim is a great albeit annoying friend, a date happens and something else too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again all the thanks to my beloved Bones for the graphics!  
> Also thanks to the talented Sulu (sulvation.tumblr.com) we now have a fanmix to go with this story! It's amazing: http://8tracks.com/ohjonny/endling

“You look happy…” The familiar voice makes him turn around and look into the eyes of his best friend who is staring at him with an expression of scepticism. “What happened, did Spock die or something?”

  
Leonard just rolls his eyes and focuses on his breakfast again, muttering only an ‘of course not’ because the pointy eared bastard knows better than to just die and leave him alone with their idiot of a Captain. But it’s way too early and he hasn’t had nearly enough coffee to deal with Jim yet. If his friend notices that he’s not in the mood to talk or anything, he simply ignores it. The man is just sitting down next to him with his food and happily chatting away about how he’s not nearly as grumpy as usually and then starts bugging him with questions that the doctor ignores mostly. Jim is right though, he is happy. He’s way happier than he’s supposed to be and he’d be lying if he said it doesn’t have anything to do with a certain young Russian ensign and their appointment – he refuses to call it a date though in his imagination it’s exactly that – later. Oh, he really is looking forward to it way too much but he can’t really help it.

  
As though summoned by his thoughts, Chekov walks through the doors of the mess hall. The younger male is trailing after Sulu and, judging from his wild gesturing, passionately going on about something while the pilot looks more tired than interested. The doctor finds himself smiling, just for a little moment as he watches the two get their breakfast from the replicator and then find somewhere to sit and eat, but it’s enough for Jim to notice it and follow his gaze.

  
“Booones!” God no. He wants to shake his head and tell Jim to not even get started on it. But the younger man is already leaning into his personal space with that huge grin on his face that tells the doctor he’s up to no good. His alarm bells – Jim’s planning something stupid instincts – are ringing. Hoping it would be enough to keep his friend from going on, he hurries to tear his gaze away from the curly haired kid to instead pick away at his bacon. “You got the hots for Chekov, don’t you?” And really, he was sure Jim knew about his little infatuation with their youngest crew member for a while but apparently he’s been better at hiding it than he thought. With a little sigh, he turns around to face his friend and gives him his best death glare. Not that it does anything to shut him up, the blond has been around him for too long to be intimated by any of his attempts to be hostile.

  
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jim. He’s a kid.” He is. And Leonard has spent countless sleepless nights brooding over how he could justify his interest in the young navigator. He hasn’t come up with anything. Chekov is young, brilliant and bright and he has his whole future ahead of him. The Russian is everything Leonard isn’t and the doctor still isn’t quite sure what a kid like that would want from him: Him, the old, divorced country doctor. But then again, if the way the Ensign acts around him is any indication it’s more than just a bit of hero worship for him.  
“Come on, admit that you like him. I mean I get it, he’s pretty and cute and everything. Who wouldn’t want a piece of him?” And the way Jim eyes the kid makes the older male want to slap him on the back of his head but he resists the urge and just grunts. Yes, he likes the kid. And there’s probably some kind of Starfleet regulation he’d be breaking if he acted on it but right now he can’t say he cares.

  
“I got no idea what you’re talking about.” He lies before standing up and taking his tray to the recycler. On his way there he passes the navigator’s table and he can almost feel the younger male’s gaze on him. When he looks up Chekov is smiling at him. It’s this bright, happy smile that he usually directs at his physics equations or whatever it is he’s working on – Leonard doesn’t understand any of it, so much he knows – and the doctor can’t keep himself from giving him a little smile and a nod in return. In his back he can hear Jim’s chuckling and he’s pretty sure his friend is literally radiating smugness right now. Leonard ignores him until they’re out of the mess hall and on their way to the medical bay.

  
“He liiikes you.” Jim chants once they’re out of earshot of anyone who could possibly overhear their conversation and seriously, the man could only be more childish if he started singing ‘Bones and Chekov, sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g’ or something. Instead of giving him the satisfaction and denying – or even worse, agreeing with him – anything, he just keeps ignoring his friend.

  
They part ways in front of the door to sickbay and Leonard is about to tell Jim that if he brags about this to anyone else, he’s going to hypo him to death when the younger male looks at him with a suddenly almost serious expression. “I’m not sure he’s the right one for you, Bones. But you should definitely hook up or something. It’ll do you some good.” And before the doctor can say anything else, he’s already got his shit eating grin back and is on his way to the turbolift, throwing a ‘see you later’ over his shoulder and waving a hand.

  
Leonard sighs and shakes his head before he enters sickbay. Too buried in his thoughts he doesn’t even notice that Christine is looking at him with a knowing smile when he disappears into his office. He should go through the results of the physicals, just to make sure everything is in order and he didn’t make any mistakes but he can’t really concentrate. Chekov doesn’t have to be ‘the right one’ for him, by god, he definitely isn’t ‘the right one’ for the kid. He’s almost twice his age and his more than just occasional drinking is just one of his minor problems. Not to mention that he has a daughter who is only a few years younger than the Ensign. I just want to find out how serious he is about this. Leonard tells himself though he’s afraid it’s more than just a bit serious for him. If it’s just a bit of admiration or hero worship on the Russian’s side he can still try to get rid of his own feelings somehow…

  
The doctor doesn’t stop skimming through the reports until he sees Chekov’s name in one of the files. Without thinking he opens it and reads through the data. At first glance everything seems to be in order. The boy is completely healthy and in a good form. But he can’t help feeling that something is off with the results. He reads it three times until he figures out what it is that’s bothering him. Some of the results are too perfect. The kid’s lung capacity and his hearing should still be affected by the cold he had until about a week ago and there should be residue of the medication Leonard had given him against it in his blood. Yet according to this report he’s in perfect health…  
He calls Christine into his office and shows her the report, explaining his train of thought to her and watching her carefully while doing so. For the first time he gets the feeling that something’s not right here. It’s a nagging sensation at the back of his mind and he’s not quite sure what to do with it. His head nurse has never actively done anything to jeopardize the complete trust he has in her until now. But when he thinks of it… Chekov always asks for her when he comes to sickbay with some kind of ailment. And Leonard doesn’t remember conducting his last physical either.

  
Christine hesitates just a moment too long before she admits that it must be a mistake she made and that she will call Chekov back in to do the tests again. And the CMO isn’t sure why but he gets the feeling that she’s lying to him. He has no proof though and he does want to keep the trust he has in her, so he just nods and gestures for her to get back to her duties. For another moment he stares at the report, unable to stop thinking about why this is bothering him so much. Is there something weird about Chekov? Apart from his genius and that he’s managed to get a position on the fleet’s flagship despite his young age? He remembers the day they first met on the bridge of the Enterprise during the attack on Vulcan. His first thoughts were that the kid must be in the wrong place but he quickly proved himself by saving all of their arses. There was something extraordinary about him but it was probably just that Leonard isn’t used to finding people – especially men – particularly attractive.

  
Straightening himself, he pushes the thoughts aside and instead reaches for his coffee while he quickly scrolls through the rest of the reports. Maybe it’s just that his mind is preoccupied with Chekov because of their date later. Or because the kid has been constantly on his mind for the last weeks and month anyway. Christine probably really just made a mistake while taking the readings and there is nothing to worry about at all…

  
His shift seems to last longer than usually and after a few hours he finds himself glancing at the chronometer every five seconds, expecting to find that the time has magically flown by or something. There’s nothing much to do and it’s strange because on a ship like this there’s usually always something to do for the Chief Medical Officer. When M’Benga finally shows up to relieve him, he hurries to leave before anyone can make him stay longer: be it to answer questions about his reports or to help with something. For a brief moment he wonders if he should change into his off-duty clothes but he’s probably already late anyway and he doesn’t want to keep Chekov waiting any longer. Before heading to the observation deck, he manages to grab a few sandwiches from the mess though. The Ensign probably didn’t have the time to eat, given that he too has had shift until a few minutes ago.

  
His steps slow down the closer he gets to the turoblift and he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous all of a sudden. This isn’t his first date or anything, he’s had his fair shares of dates – this isn’t even a date, he almost forgot about that by now – and it isn’t like the kid hasn’t seen him in worse shape already. He shakes his head at himself and enters the turbolift only to find himself tugging at his shirt again, smoothing down a few imaginary wrinkles. The doctor doesn’t spot Chekov right away, he has to follow the same path as yesterday until he sees the figure of the younger male in front of the huge screen, obviously lost in thought. The view that fascinates the navigator so much is almost enough to turn Leonard’s stomach. Why did he even agree to meet here? The thought of them being on a huge tin can in the middle of nothing he is already used to by now, but still, he’d rather not think of it too much…

  
Yet, when he approaches the young Ensign and the kid looks up at him and smiles, he’s already forgotten about it. The boy waves at him and points at the chess board that he has already set up. To Leonard’s surprise it’s not the 3D one that one can find in the rec rooms of the ship and that most people are used to nowadays, but a traditional and rather old looking 2D version. Not that he minds, he used to play with his father who didn’t like the newer version at all. He’ll just have to get used to it again.

  
“I brought food.” Leonard just says, after clearing his throat and sitting down across from the navigator. He sets down the plate with the sandwiches next to the chess board between them and the appreciative grin on the other male’s features confirm his suspicion that he hasn’t eaten anything yet. The thought that the young man would rather meet up with him instead of having dinner first, makes him almost happy. Though as a doctor he of course has to remark that it’s not healthy to skip meals, even for someone as young and fit as Chekov.

  
“Do you vant ze black or ze vhite vones?” The kid asks, already chewing on one of the sandwiches and Leonard picks the white pieces, more out of habit than because he has a preference. The boy doesn’t seem to mind, he just tilts his head and keeps smiling. “Vhite eet is.”

They don’t talk very much during their first match – which Leonard loses of course. But he isn’t quite sure whether it is because the kid is a genius or because he is too busy watching his opponent to actually concentrate on the game. It doesn’t matter because Chekov only grins triumphantly and asks for a second round. This time he manages to almost win and his suspicion is that the Ensign took pity on him.

“So, how vas your day?” Chekov asks after they’re a few minutes into their third match and Leonard just shrugs. To his surprise he finds himself giving the kid a detailed description of the few boring tasks he had to do and somehow the younger man seems actually interested in what he has to tell. The Ensign looks almost disappointed when he stops talking but then happily reports everything that has happened on the bridge – it’s not much either, apparently his shift was almost as boring as the doctor’s – and Leonard realises once again that he likes listening to him way more than he likes talking.

The doctor loses again and when the Ensign wants to start setting up the chess pieces again, he shakes his head. “I got enough for today. You can keep beating me another day.”

The Russian looks like he wants to protest but then nods and carefully puts the chess set back into a small wooden box he’s brought with him. “You vere not zat bad. You almost defeeted me in ze last time.” He says and somehow Leonard doubts that he’s being truthful but he doesn’t mind. If the kid feels like he has to reassure the old doctor that he’s not that out of his league, it’s just fine. Leonard smiles and when he looks up again, he finds that the boy’s gaze is glued to his face. This time it’s him who’s tilting his head, letting the smile linger on his lips because he has no reason not to smile.

  
“What?”

  
The younger man ducks his head at that and bites his bottom lip in a way that is almost adorable. “I just like your smile a lot. Eet kind of makes me vant to kiss you ewery time.” The direct statement surprises him a little bit. The kid is staring at the box in his hands now rather than looking up, probably because he is waiting for some kind of reaction – some kind of rejection his mind supplements.

  
With an amused glint in his eyes he quirks an eyebrow and shifts a bit closer to the small Ensign so their hands brush. “Well, if that’s so, why don’t you go for it then?”  
The kid looks up quickly, obviously searching his face for any indication that he’s joking but Leonard is dead serious about this. The smile is still in place though – Chekov likes it – and he stays completely still when the Ensign carefully leans in to bring their lips together in what must be the most innocent kiss he’s had since kinder garden. “You call that a kiss?” He mumbles and brings up a hand to rest against the younger man’s cheek though not doing anything to urge him on. The navigator ignores his words and leans in again, this time more confident, moving their lips together and teasingly licking, nipping at his bottom lip. With a groan Leonard completely forgets about his intention to let the younger male work his own pace. Instead places his other hand in his neck and pulls him closer until he’s practically in his lap and brings their lips together in a real, open mouthed kiss.

  
Chekov makes a happy noise at that and kisses him back hungrily, bringing his hands up to card them through Leonard’s hair. It’s not entirely a comfortable position but neither of them cares, they’re too busy kissing.

  
When the Ensign pulls back again, they’re both breathing heavily from the lack of air. And for a little moment there seems to be an almost eerie glow in the younger male’s shockingly green eyes. Leonard holds his breath but then he blinks and it’s gone again and he accounts it to the artificial light of the observation deck that reflects in the other’s eyes. He shakes his head a bit and gently brushes his thumb over Chekov’s cheekbone, admiring the smooth skin and for a little moment wondering if his skin would be this soft to the touch all over his body.

  
The kid is still looking at him as though he’s trying to figure him out like he would a puzzle or one of his complicated formulas. And for a little moment his expression seems almost guilty. But then he’s smiling again and shifts until he can comfortably wrap his arms around the doctor and rest his head on the older male’s shoulder. Leonard can feel his breath tickling his neck and he in turn embraces the young Ensign, kissing his temple before burying his nose in the soft, thick curls of his hair. It’s oddly intimate and peaceful and for a moment the doctor thinks that this is exactly what he wanted, maybe what he was looking for even.

  
They stay like this until the slight change of the lights indicates that it’s the beginning of gamma shift already. Since the both of them are working alpha shift again the next day they should probably head down to the mess for supper or else it’ll be too late for that by the time they manage to let go of each other. Leonard still isn’t sure if he should invite the younger male over to his quarters afterwards or if that would be considered moving too fast.

  
“Doktor…” The kid starts but Leonard immediately corrects him:

  
“It’s Leonard. I’m pretty sure we’re allowed to move to first name base now.”

  
The Russian slowly nods, his face smoothed into a serious expression. “I agree. But you vill haff to call me Pavel zen too.”

  
The doctor hums appreciatively. “Sounds fair to me, Pavel.” A happy smile spreads over Chekov’s – no, Pavel’s face and he leans in for a little kiss again, stealing Leonard’s breath away.

  
“C’mon. Let’s go grab a bite.” He mumbles quietly, not entirely willing to spoil the mood even though they will have to leave their comfortable little place underneath the stars. He still thinks that space is damn scary but the sight on the view screen doesn’t freak him out as much as it did before. At least not as long as his young navigator is with him. Pavel slowly – begrudgingly, albeit in an impressively graceful manner – gets up and gathers the chess box and the plate Leonard has brought with him, quietly humming a tune that the doctor is sure he knows from somewhere but can’t remember where he has heard it before.

  
They almost make it to the mess hall, when Pavel suddenly stops in his steps and looks over his shoulder as though he’s heard something. The older man frowns, unable to tell what it was that startled the boy but just when he’s about to ask him what it was, the alarm goes off. The loud humming of the ship’s engines announces that they’re rapidly increasing speed. Suddenly the hallway is flooded with red light and the shrill sound of the sirens is filling his ears. Leonard throws a glance at the young Russian, wondering if it was just pure coincidence that he stopped only seconds before this started. But he doesn’t have the time to think about if for very long. “This is a code red. Alpha bridge crew is to report on the bridge. All senior medical personnel is required in sickbay.”

  
Worry worms its way into his heart and he hopes that it’s nothing serious this time. They had enough disasters in the last years, have lost enough people in the fight against Nero, Marcus and Khan and the various other hostile alien species they encountered. Who says they will survive their next encounter with some crazy madman or -woman who doesn’t care if they murder millions of innocent people so as long as they get what they want?

  
“Look, kid.” He starts, but Pavel quickly shuts him up by leaning up on his tiptoes and kissing him gently. They linger for just a moment. With their lips pressed together it’s a few perfect seconds of warmth and intimacy, before the navigator pulls back again, caressing his cheek and giving him a soft smile.

  
“I vill see you vhen zis is ower.” And despite the fact that the kid has no way of knowing there will be a ‘when this is over’ because neither of them knows what’s even going on, he can’t help but believe him. Unable to say something around the lump in his throat, he nods and watches the boy practically run down the hallway, before he sets off in the opposite direction. In his head he is still replaying the last hours, letting the knowledge that there definitely is something between them now, no matter what it is exactly, distract him from the scenarios of death and destruction that the uncertainty of what is happening creates in his head.

  
Sickbay is buzzing with people. Nurses and doctors alike are running around in a haste and it takes him a few precious moments to actually find someone who knows what all the fuss is about.

  
Apparently gamma shift has received a code one distress call from the nearest starbase and since there has been reports about unknown and hostile ships in this sector before, everyone assumes that the station is under attack now. With the Enterprise being the only Federation ship for a few hundred light-years it is obvious that they’re the ones who’re being called to help.

  
“Captain Kirk said to expect casualties. And to ‘buckle up’ in case we warp right into a battle of some kind.” Great. He takes just a moment longer to worry about what they’re getting dragged into now. Then he clears his head of the unimportant thoughts and starts giving orders. If the station is under attack, they need to prepare for emergency surgeries and for all kinds of injuries. They have to stock up on sedatives and make sure they have all kinds of medication on hand. And medical bay needs to be in order. The best way to avoid a crisis is by not causing any more chaos than is necessary. It is almost as if the dream this day has been so far, calm and nice, has turned into a nightmare all of a sudden. Or maybe he just woke up and this is the harsh reality greeting him. But then again, there is a young navigator on the bridge who promised that they would meet again once this is over and he can almost still taste his thin, sweet lips on his own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things happen and people are rescued and everyone is still clueless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks to Bonesy for the perfect graphics! And remmeber to listen to the fanmix we have now: http://8tracks.com/ohjonny/endling

The rest of the alpha bridge crew is already there once the doors of the turbolift open but the only sign of acknowledgment he gets is the short nod the Captain gives him, as he quickly makes his way over to the station. Everyone else is too focused on their tasks to notice the navigator. Pavel even has to tap Ensign Riley’s shoulder in order to take the seat at the helm. The navigator of the gamma shift curtly informs him about their current course and the situation at hand before he hurries to leave the bridge and get somewhere where he’s not in the way – _somewhere safer_.

This really isn’t exactly how he has hoped for this date to go but there is no complaining about that now. There will still be time for that later. When they saved the station and defeated the bad guys, as Kirk likes to call them. For now, he has to make sure that there will be a later for them to look forward to. They still have about five minutes until they will arrive at the station but Pavel is already on high alert, his fingers hovering over his controls.

“I want the shields to be up and the weapon systems ready when we drop out of warp.” The Captain orders and the navigator hurries to get the weapon systems running, quickly checking that everything was in working order before they warp into a crisis without being prepared for battle. It takes only a few minor corrections to keep them on course but he still keeps recalculating everything, just in case Riley or he overlooked something. The numbers that are filling his head distract him from any other thoughts. According to the data it is a small station with only about two hundred people. Most of them are scientists who were ordered there to observe the two binary stars of the solar system. The station is also dangerously close to the neutral zone but none of the reports mention the hostile ships to be either Romulan or Klingon. Maybe they are dealing with another species here, one they haven’t encountered yet which means they have no idea what they will be up against. They can only hope that the enemy doesn’t have any kind of advanced technology or weaponry.

For a moment the thought crosses his mind that it would be almost poetic if they all died the day he actually kissed Doctor McCoy – _Leonard_ for the first time. It would fit perfectly into one of those old-timey romance novels. But he quickly discards the thought, not only because he doesn’t like it but because he doesn’t want to think about death. He used to say that he wants to die a hero’s death like so many of his idols did. Other than that he never gave it too much thought back when he joined Starfleet. Of course it is dangerous. They were warned about all that when they joined the academy. And he has seen first-hand how most of the fleet’s newer ships were destroyed in the _battle_ for Vulca: How thousands of young officers and cadets died. But still… he doesn’t want to think about death unless he has to. And he trusts in Kirk to get them all home safely after the five year mission is over.

His train of thought is interrupted, when Hikaru informs the bridge about them dropping out of warp in about two minutes and he immediately goes back to his controls. The sight of space slowing down around them is a familiar one and it's only seconds until the space station comes in sight. It looks damaged, parts of the outer hull have been violently ripped off and though sound cannot travel through space Pavel imagines he can hear screams. Once the enemy ships actually appear on their screen, all his instincts are telling him to flee, to run as fast as he can but there is nowhere to run to and he cannot abandon his post, so he ignores it as best as he can.

The enemy doesn’t seem to take notice of them until the Captain opens a communication channel and orders them to stand down lest they want to declare war on the Federation. They don’t listen. Suddenly the weapons fire that was directed at the station only moments ago is directed at them and the first hit rocks the whole ship. Pavel has to hold onto the helm to not be thrown out of his seat and simultaneously with Hikaru he reaches for the control for his seat belt.

“Ready the phasers and return fire.” The Captain sounds calm but the Russian can still here a slight tremor in his voice. Only seconds later someone announces that whatever weapon it is that has been fired on them, is highly effective and has already drained some of their shields’ power. The navigator hurries to follow the command, readying and firing the phasers. He’s aiming for the ship that is closest to them. After firing once, he gives Hikaru the okay for one of the evasive manoeuvres they have trained for hours in their simulations. They fire again and again, trying to take out the enemy’s power and shields while at the same time trying to avoid getting hit again.

But the phasers show no effect. The other ship’s shields don’t even weaken under their continuing attack. The next time they’re hit however, the ship roars underneath them, throwing Pavel into his belt and against the helm. With clenched teeth he pushes fires again, only to be met with the same result. Whatever it is the enemy’s shields are made of, they’re resisting their attack…

“Photon torpedoes, Mister Chekov.” The navigator follows the order immediately and prepares the torpedoes, firing once the Captain tells him to. Though he’s not religious he finds himself praying quietly for this to work, to no one in particular. This ship is his home. Here is his family, the only family he has now and he knows he can’t lose any of these people he holds dear.

“It’s doing something!” It is Hikaru who first shouts it and once Pavel double-checks his readings, he feels relief flooding his systems. The battle is not over yet though and with a curt nod he okays whatever the pilot has planned. Their next manoeuvre brings them directly in front of the enemy ships and the navigator aims the torpedoes at what he presumes is the other ship’s engineering deck. If there is just an ounce of common sense in the design of that ship, he should be able to take it out without them taking any more damage…

The torpedoes tear right through the vessel’s shields and into the metal of the ship. A few seconds later the ship is torn apart. Through some kind of miracle they have managed to hit their warp core. Someone on the bridge behind them is cheering but Kirk quickly shuts them up by reminding them that there is still a second ship left in their immediate proximity. And that while they are busy taking out the first ship, they are probably already readying their weapons.

But the attack they are waiting for never comes. Instead the second ship turns around and goes to warp before the Enterprise has even turned to face it. They spend another few minutes waiting for the alien ship to return, possibly with reinforcements, but nothing of the sort happens. The scanner aren’t picking up any readings in the sector and there is a sigh of relief going around. Pavel leans back in his seat and deactivates his seat belt. He feels like his chest and arms are going to bruise but he doesn’t really take notice of the pain for he is almost dizzy with relief. They did it again, they managed to survive an attack without losing too many of their own. The Russian turns around in his seat, when one of the other crewmen announces that there are two major and about a dozen minor injuries.

No dead.

Pavel turns his head to look at Hikaru and the pilot looks back at him with a wide grin.

“That was easy.” His friend announces and Pavel rolls his eyes. It was a short battle, yes, but he wouldn’t exactly call it easy. And after all there is no guarantee that the enemy won’t return.

The sitting around and waiting is almost more straining than the actual battle has been. The evacuation of the space station will begin as soon as sickbay gives the okay. While it's going, it will be their job to make sure nothing happens until they transferred everyone from the space station to the ship. After a few more minutes that seem like hours to the young Russian, the code red is finally resolved. Though they are still on high alert the Captain has obviously decided that for now the alarm, red lights and sirens are no longer necessary.

The navigator waits until Kirk announces that the alpha shift is no longer required at their posts before he gets out of his seat. It takes only a few seconds for his relief, Lieutenant Darwin to appear at is side and take over the helm. Just a moment later Hikaru’s relief arrives as well and they are able to leave the bridge together.

“I haven’t eaten yet, what about you?” The Ensign always wonders how his friend is able to change topics so quickly. Hikaru is thinking about supper already, when Pavel still feels the adrenaline of the battle rushing through his body and his thoughts are racing.

“I zink I should maybe go to sickbey…” Because despite the reports about the lack of severe injuries, he is still worried. The Russian needs to know that Leonard is alright and he has to let him know that he is alright. But Hikaru shakes his head.

“You know he’s probably got too much to do to have time for you? There’s been injuries on the ship and they have to evacuate the station too. There’s probably been casualties there and Doctor McCoy will have his hands full trying to save them all. You’d only be in the way.” No matter how much he dislikes it, his friend is probably right. There is no way, Leonard can use him running around and getting in the way. If only he had some kind of medical knowledge so he'd be able to help out...

“Alright. Let us go eet zen.” The navigator mutters with a little shrug, though he can’t stop thinking about the older male. Well, he will have to go and see him eventually. After all he has promised to get together with him once the emergency situation is over. And he is planning to keep his promise.

Pavel isn’t really hungry anymore but he trails after Hikaru to the mess hall and gets himself some pasta. In an effort to keep himself from worrying he tries to focus on his noodles and Hikaru's retelling of the fight to the few other officers who want to hear the story. Somehow his food it doesn’t really taste like anything and he wonders if it is because the replicator system was damaged during the space battle or if it is something else entirely. 

When the rush of adrenaline fades, he notices just how tired he is. All he wants now, is to crawl into his bed and sleep for days. Or visit the doctor and curl up in his arms like he did earlier today but once he’s wolfed down his food, someone already calls for him. Mister Scott wants to beam over to the station and see if there is anything salvageable and because most of his Engineers are busy with repairs on the Enterprise or trying to get their shields back to full capacity, it is on the navigator to accompany him.

At least he’s not required to put on a red shirt this time.

Something is bugging him, when he makes his way to the transporter room and it has nothing to do with the enemy they just drove away. He doesn’t know what it is and he doesn’t find out until they beam over to the space station. Then it hits him: It is the smell. The smell that hangs in the air is one that is at the same time familiar and strange and it takes him a little moment until he realises that it reminds him of his mother. It can only mean one thing: There have to be shifters among the scientists that were on the station. And more than just one if his senses aren’t playing tricks on him now.

The Engineer leads him around the station and they try to save the data on the computer banks so not everything that the inhabitants of his station have recorded is lost. They manage to transfer most of it to the databanks of the Enterprise and Mister Scott insists on taking a look around as well. It is obvious that the station has to be abandoned completely, it is damaged beyond repair and there are few decks that have not been destroyed completely. The hallways are a mess of debris and dead bodies and according to the computer there is not enough power to keep up life support for longer than a few minutes. The only thing that looks worse than Engineering is the medical bay and Pavel quickly retreats before his mind can twist this image into one of their own sickbay in his head.

Captain Kirk orders them to get back to the ship before the life support systems fail copletely.

When they’re back on board the Russian is pretty sure he doesn’t want to sleep anymore. The gruesome images from the destroyed station are still burnt into his memory and he finds himself roaming the hallways for a while instead of going back to the quarters he shares with Hikaru. Despite his best intentions to stay away from sickbay until the whole fuzz is over, he finds himself on that deck anyway. Oavel hesitates for a while before he actually steps through the door. Everyone here is in a hurry. There are orders being shouted and doctors and nurses alike rushing from one bed to the other. No one even spares the young Ensign a look and Pavel quietly stands next to the door for a while, trying to spot Leonard among the doctors.

Just when the same scent as before assaults him again, Pavel spots him in one of the corners. The doctor gives him a little nod and a gesture that looks a bit like a ‘give me a moment’ but Pavel can’t even wave back. His gaze is drawn to his left where a young woman with short hair is resting on one of the gurneys. She has bandages wrapped around her head and arms but she is wide awake and her eyes are fixed on the Russian for a moment. Rooted in place for a moment, he can do nothing but stare. The only other shifters he has met in his life were a few cadets at the university, two lions and one lynx, but they had never shared as much as a few words. It was a lucky coincidence that there are no other shifters on board the Enterprise. They would’ve sensed him the moment he stepped out of the shuttle and in order to keep his secret, he'd have to ask all of them to tay quiet about him. The more people know about something, the moe likely it is, someone else will find out about it.

The woman weakly raises one hand, obviously motioning for him to come closer but Pavel can’t. The young shifter is scared of approaching her, scared that everyone will know what he is when he does.

Leonard can’t find out about it like this.

Not now….

Without as much as another glance at the woman or the man he so desperately wants to just embrace and kiss and _love_ he turns around and leaves.

The further he gets down the corridor, the more he’s hurrying but the feeling of anxiety is still present in his chest when he finally reaches the turbolift. There is no doubt the scientist from the station knows what he is but there has to be a way to make sure she doesn’t tell anyone on board. _And oh god even in his head that sounds like he’s planning to smother her in her sleep or something or swap her medication for poison._ Of course he would never such a thing. The most reasonable thing to do would probably be talking to her but he obviously can’t do that in a crowded sickbay where everyone else could overhear their conversation. And what about the other shifters his senses have warned him about? Someone is bound to mention something sooner or later. If he only knew that he would get off the hook if he came clean to the Captain but all Kirk will do is bring him to the next space station so he can be shipped back to earth because Starfleet doesn’t support unregistered shifters in their ranks…

Pavel breathes deeply, trying to compose himself. He will tell Leonard about it. He will just tell him the whole truth and if the man is disgusted by the fact that his not-yet lover has the habit to turn into a huge cat, well, then he can still leave the ship. If he resigns and disappears at the next space station the doctor will have no reason to report him anymore. The thought that the older male might actually find him repulsive and hate him for what he is, sends a sharp stab of pain through his chest.

But he swallows it down quickly. He will just tell the truth… And maybe, _maybe_ he is lucky enough and Leonard doesn’t mind. Or he can just wait and hope that none of the other shifters mentions anything. With a groan he closes his eyes and presses his forehead against the wall.

“I hate zis.” He mutters quietly under his breath. When he hears footfalls in the hallway behind him, he pulls himself together and pushes the button to call the lift. There is still time to decide. He can still ask his best friend and roommate if he has a solution for him. And if he tells Christine she might be able to convince the scientists to keep quiet about it… Pushing his hands into his pockets, he keeps staring at the doors of the turbolift, ignoring whoever is approaching him. Until a pair of strong arms is suddenly wrapped around him and he is pulled against someone tall and warm. For a little moment he is about to panic but then a very familiar scent fills his nose and he recognises the voice of the doctor. And his heartbeat.

“You left in a bit of a hurry there.” The older man mumbles and Pavel thinks he can hear a hint of insecurity in his voice as if the other is wordlessly asking if it is his fault. His grip around the navigator loosens a bit and he is obviously giving him the opportunity to step out of his embrace if he wants to. But backing off is the last thing on the Russian’s mind right now. Guilt takes over his thinking for a few seconds and he is about to just blurt out what’s on his mind. Yet once he turns around in Leonard’s arms so he can look at him, he immediately forgets all about it. The doctor looks worn out, even more than usually and he’s practically radiating exhaustion.

Pavel raises both hands to cup his face and press a gentle kiss to his lips. “I am sorry, I did not meen to.” He mumbles as he gives the other male an affectionate smile. Leonard doesn’t seem too convinced and the navigator doesn’t know what possible excuse he could come up with. But the doctor doesn’t ask for one, instead he pulls him closer and into a long, sweet kiss.

“I’m glad you’re okay, kid.” Leonard mutters once they reluctantly let go of each other and Pavel feels another pang of guilt.

“I am glad you are alright too.” The navigator lets his hands fall away from his face again and instead reaches for the doctor’s hand, unwilling to completely break all contact between them. “But you look tired. Maybe you should try to get some rest if you are no longer needed in sickbey.”

The older man gives him a little smile at that and squeezes his hand, interlacing their fingers. “Same goes for you. You’ve had a long day too.” He seems to hesitate for a moment, before he adds: “You wanna join me in my quarters? My bed is big enough for the both of us. Not in the sexual way I mean, just…” Leonard shrugs helplessly and Pavel can’t help but smile widely at the doctor’s obvious lack for words.

“I vould love to. And I am pretty sure I am too tired for sex right now anyvay.”

Leonard nods, apparently relieved that Pavel didn’t misunderstand what he was trying to say and when the Russian gently tugs at his hand he follows him into the turbolift. They quietly make their way to the CMO’s quarters and the navigator notices that he almost forgot how not everyone’s quarters are as tiny as the ones assigned to the Ensigns and junior Lieutenants. For a little moment it’s a bit awkward: Pavel is standing in the door of the doctor’s bedroom but when Leonard starts stripping down to his boxers, he hurries to follow the example. Looking up he can’t help but admire the other’s body and despite his exhaustion it sends an electric shock of arousal down his spine.

Leonnard is watching him too, apparently as mesmerized by the sight as he is and the Russian feels almost self-conscious under his gaze until the doctor reaches out a hand and leads him over to the bed. Neither of them says a word when they crawl under the covers or when Pavel rests his head on Leonard’s chest and the doctor wraps an arm around him to pull him closer. When the older male starts playing with his hair all the navigator can do is try to not start to purr because he’s so very comfortable. He runs his fingertips over the doctor’s shoulder, drawing invisible symbols onto his warm skin.

It is the steady sound of Leonard’s heartbeat and his breathing that lulls him to sleep in the end. He’s already half asleep, when, with a little smile he uses his fingers to write his name over his lover’s arm. And even though it of course leaves no trail, Pavel can almost imagine that it will stay there forever now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a lot of things happen. Good things and bad things alike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always. Thanks to my Bones for the graphics! (Also if anyone ever wants to like draw a fanrt or anything for this fic please do I shall love you forever.

 

The kid even haunts him in his dreams. But he is not the Pavel he knows, he is different. His eyes aren’t blue or grey like he knows them to be, they are green, radiant green and glowing in the dark of the room. He moves differently too, gracefully, almost dancing on the balls of his feet. He circles him like an animal would its prey, not blinking and not breaking the eye contact. When Leonard backs off, he grins, baring sharp, perfectly white teeth in what looks more like a snarl than a grin. “Vhat are you afraid of, doktor?” The predator purrs, his voice darker than usually as he closes the distance between them, moving faster than is humanly possible.

Leonard awakes with a start, only to feel the warm body of the navigator pressed against his side and his warm breath on his cheek. In the darkness of his quarters he can only see the outline of the young man but he doesn’t want to risk waking him by turning on the light, so he just uses the arm he has wrapped around his waist to pull him a little closer. It was just a weird dream, he tells himself. And he finds comfort in knowing that there is nothing inhuman about the boy he has in his arms right now. Somehow he manages to fall back asleep and this time his dreams are less frightening; he doesn’t even remember them in the morning.

The next time he wakes up he’s pretty sure he is still half asleep because the curly hair he has buried his face in in his sleep feels weirdly like soft fur for a little moment. Something moves in the darkness next to him, the arm he has around the navigator gets pushed aside. With a groan he rubs a hand over his eyes and calls out for the computer to turn on the lights. He has to blink a few times until his eyes get used to the sudden brightness but after a few moments he manages to see the boy next to him more clearly. Whatever it was he thought he has just seen was obviously just an illusion, a last remnant of the weird nightmare he had that night because all he sees next to him is a certain young Russian, gloriously naked and blinking owlishly into the light.

“Sorry if I startled you.” The doctor mumbles, still too sleepy to move he lazily reaches out a hand to pull at the other’s arm. Pavel only shakes his head and follows the wordless request and snuggles up to him again, his lips quickly fining the older man’s for a slow morning kiss.

“You did not.” The boy whispers and Leonard can only marvel at how wonderfully he fits against his side. He feels every inch of the boy’s body against his own and he can’t help but run a hand down his bare back and to the curve of his arse. He can hear Pavel hold his breath for a moment and he chuckles when he feels the Russian’s morning wood against his side.

He moves his lips to the navigator’s ear to murmur: “How about we take care of that?” While he uses both his hands to pull the boy on top of him. He aligns their hips until their cloth covered erections are rubbing together. The throaty groan that Pavel lets out at that and the hasty nodding of his head is all the encouragement he needs. Leonard’s hands keep roaming his back while his lips find a nice spot on the Russian’s neck to kiss and suck on until the pale skin looks deliciously bruised. He makes sure to leave his marks where no one will see them as long as the boy is fully dressed, as he makes his way over his collarbone and to his shoulder.

The teen moans and grinds their hips together, causing the doctor to groan into his skin. He gently bites down where his neck meets his shoulder while his hands find their way over his arse and to the front. “You’re so beautiful.” He mumbles and truly, he wishes he had the time to worship every tiny part of this pale, lithe body but right now he has more important things in mind. Next time they will take it slow, next time he will have the time to watch Pavel come apart underneath him, will have the time to listen to all the pretty sounds he makes when the doctor touches and caresses him. He promises himself that but right now he is in a bit of a hurry.

He slips a hand into the teen’s boxers, gently taking hold of the hardened flesh and stroking him a few times, licking his lips at the feeling of him in his hands, before he pushes his underwear aside completely. Leonard groans, when the kid’s talented fingers start caressing his chest, catching on his nipples, while his sweet mouth finds the doctor’s again, tangling their tongues together. For a moment he relishes the sensations, arching into the touch and pulling at Pavel’s cock and greedily swallowing the moans he’s getting in return.

Leonard frees himself from the confines of his underwear and bites down on the kid’s bottom lip, as the next movement of his hips brings their erections together. It's a gentle friction that is not quite enough to be actually satisfying but enough to send an electric shock through his spine.

“Leo…” Pavel breathes and to him it sounds like the sexiest thing he’s ever heard. “Yes.” And “Pavel.” Is all he can say in return before their mouths clash again. The sweet, slow kissing from earlier has turned into tongue and teeth. Taking both of them in his hand, he starts to work them, knowing that neither of them is going to last long because it is all so much but so good at the same time. The kid is still running his fingers – fingernails over his chest and moves to attack his neck once they stop kissing. His mouth is hot on Leonard’s neck, licking, kissing and gently biting the skin almost as though he is trying to mirror the marks the doctor has left on his own pale skin.

He’s determined to make the Russian come first, running his free hand down his spine and along the crack of his arse. Leonard’s fingertips play with the rim of his hole for a moment before he slips just the tip of his index finger inside while at the same time rolling his hips to meet Pavel’s. It’s enough to make the younger man come apart. He’s beautiful like that, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth wide open, as he lets out a little cry, painting their bellies white with his come.

The teen whimpers when the doctor keeps tugging at his cock, milking him and stroking himself at the same time. He licks his way into Leonard’s mouth again, sucking at his tongue while grinding his hips down, obviously intent on making him come too.

It doesn’t take long for him to join the kid, groaning loudly, as he comes. Pavel collapses on top of him, lips pulled into a grin and panting against his neck. His other hand is in Leonard’s hair messing it up even further than it already is Exhausted the doctor can only return the favour, lazily running the hand that is not covered in their come through the soft curls before he pulls him up into another, slow kiss. He’s almost tempted to say something cheesy like: ‘I wouldn’t mind waking up like this more often’ but he decides to just keep kissing the kid for now. It requires less energy and is just a tad more satisfying.

Maybe Jim was right and it took them too long to finally ‘hook up’ but Leonard is quite happy with how it is right now. He doesn’t want to think about the future, their future and he just bans all the worries about the horrible age gap between them or what Starfleet would have to say about their relationship because Leonard is still a superior officer and all that shit. He just focuses on the hot body that is draped over his own and on gently peppering his face in kisses. They have to get up and shower before the mess they made gets all cold and sticky but neither of them is willing to move much. Only when he feels the kid’s breath and heart rate slow down again, indicating that he’s about to fall asleep, he gently nudges his side.

“C’mon. Let’s get go have a quick shower.” Pavel only hums, grudgingly shifting and glancing up at him. He doesn’t know why but Leonard almost expects his eyes to be green. They’re not. They’re just the usual greenish blue, maybe a bit darkened from their previous activities. The boy tilts his head and looks like he’s contemplating something for a little moment, before he grins sleepily and kisses him again. “Shower eet is.” Then he gets up, still not nearly as energetic as he usually is but at least he’s standing on his own feet.

Leonard drags him into the bathroom and gets rid of their dirty underwear before manoeuvring the both of them into the shower. He remembers that the Ensigns’ quarters are only equipped with sonic showers when he sees Pavel close his eyes and smile in delight. Since the boy makes no attempt to clean himself, the doctor lathers the both of them with soap before he starts to wash the kid’s hair, gently massaging his scalp. And the Russian is literally purring at that, swaying slightly on his feet and pushing his head into the older man’s hands. Like a cat. Leonard thinks once again but then again it’s kind of adorable and the navigator looks so relaxed that he keeps it up for another minute before he rinses out his hair. Once they’re both squeaky clean again, he turns off the spray and ushers Pavel out of the shower so he can wrap him up in one of the huge fluffy towels he had one of the yeomen replicate for him.

They still have about an hour until alpha shift starts and when the boy curls up on the bed again, the doctor joins him, wrapping his arms around him and breathing in the scent of the shampoo mixed with what his mind labels as ‘Pavel’. He’s about to doze off again, when his alarm goes off, announcing that they managed to spend about half an hour just lying around being lazy.

“I should get a change of clozes, before I show up on ze bridge.” The Russian mumbles, pressing a kiss to his cheek before he’s on his feet again. Somehow he seems to be able to just shake off the sleepiness and Leonard can only watch in amazement, as he quickly puts on his trousers and shirts, smoothing down his still wet hair. He’s almost out of the door again, when he turns around again, to smile at the older man. “I vill see you later at breakfast, da?” And before Leonard can do as much as nod to agree, he’s already disappeared into the hallway and the door swishes shut behind him.

“What have you gotten yourself into here?” The doctor mutters to himself, as he slowly gets up and follows the boy’s example to get ready for his shift. He grabs a change of clothes and disappears into the bathroom. He can’t help the smile forming on his lips though as he throws a glance at his reflection in the mirror and notices the little hickeys scattered over his shoulder and neck. There is one that is dangerously close to his chin and the collar of his shirt just barely hides it. But even if someone sees it, Leonard sure as hell doesn’t mind. (Well, maybe if it’s anyone but Jim because the man will just give him that shit-eating grin of his again and be all ‘I told you so’ like the insufferable brat he is.) He considers this for a little moment, as he puts on his blue shirt and fastens the medical division pin on his chest, then he just shrugs. Jim will find out sooner or later anyway and even if he will bug him about it all day, it’s definitely worth it.

Sickbay is still buzzing with patients and medical personnel alike and everyone seems too busy to even notice his arrival at first. Only when he taps M’Benga’s shoulder, the man turns around and gives him a grateful nod. He looks exhausted but according to his words none of their patient’s condition is critical which means all he’ll have to do is make sure everyone heals properly and ask Ji that they get assigned quarters close enough to the medical bay in case an emergency happens after all. It’s a tiring matter but at least he has a hand full of personnel he can order to help him with the job.

Leonard spends most of his shift talking to the scientists, checking their injuries and prescribing painkillers. A few Engineering Ensigns show up a few hours into his shift with burns all over their hands because some control panel short circuited but it’s nothing the dermal regenerator can’t treat. It’s almost boring until he glances out of the window only to see that they’re no longer travelling at warp speed but instead entering the orbit of a large, red planet. With a frown he wants to reach for his communicator to ask what is going on when he receives a transmission from the bridge.

“Bones? I need you to report to the transporter room in fifteen minutes. I’m assembling a landing party. It’s a breathable, earth like atmosphere, maybe a bit hotter than Georgia in spring.” And before the CMO can ask why the hell they would stop to go down to that planet when they’re on their way to the next deep space station to drop off the bunch of scientists they saved from the other star base, the transmission is already ended and he’s left with the order to show up in the transporter room. With a frown he leaves his office to look for Christine. The nurse is bent over one of the beds, gesturing and obviously trying to explain something to the patient.

“Lissten, all I’m asking for is your discretion. He doesn’t want everyone talking about it…” She stops, when the patient, a woman with short, blonde hair looks up at the doctor with her piercing blue eyes that seem to glow in the light of the med bay. Christine follows her gaze and turns around in her chair.

Leonard feels like he’s intruding. He’s about to just inform Christine that she’s in charge now when the scientist cocks her head. “You’re his mate.” She states with a little smile. The doctor raises an eyebrow and turns towards his head nurse for an explanation. Christine opens her mouth when the woman keeps talking. “The cub with the curly hair. It’s unmistakeable, you have his scent all over you.” Then she throws a glance at Christine, who looks like she’s trying to keep smiling despite just having bitten into an Andorian lemon or something equally sour.

“What the doctor is trying to say is that you spend a lot of time with Chekov… anyway, what was it you wanted from me, sir?” But Leonard is too busy watching the young woman’s reaction, to answer. The scientist glances first at him, then at the nurse and then back again, before the smile on her face is replaced by an expression of understanding.

“He doesn’t know?” She finally asks quietly and Christine shakes her head. For some reason the doctor isn’t quite sure if he even wants to know but they’re obviously talking about him and Pavel, so he finds himself demanding an explanation nevertheless. The only answer he gets from his patient is a quick shake of her head and a: ‘You better ask him yourself. It’s not my place to tell you anything.”

When he looks at Christine with a questioningly raised eyebrow, the woman only nods, making it obvious that she won’t say anything about the matter either.

Leonard only shakes his head mumbling something about how his nurses aren’t supposed to keep secrets from him concerning his patients before he curtly informs her about the landing party and that she will be in charge of the medical bay until he gets back from the mission. Christine doesn’t meet his eyes when she nods and the young scientist seems completely focused on the PADD in her hands. The doctor is pretty sure he can feel her eyes on the back of his head when he leaves though.

He’s already in the turbolift, when he finally remembers what it is that has bothered him about this patient in particular. According to her medical file, she’s a shifter, one of those humans who can turn into some form of a cat whenever they choose to. It’s not that he doesn’t like shifters or anything, they just make him nervous. And it would explain how she knows about Pavel and him without having to ask or anything. Where Vulcans have their touch telepathy thing, that makes the doctor uneasy, shifters have superior instincts and the fact that they can just turn into a big cat isn’t exactly reassuring either. Rumour has it there have been cases where shifters snapped and killed lots of people before someone managed to sedate them and there are still people who claim that they are wild animals. Of course Leonard tries to not be biased. It’s his job as a doctor and an intelligent person to see past prejudices and clichés and to treat everyone equally.

The woman’s words are still echoing in his head: ‘you better ask him yourself’ whatever that means. And for a little moment he feels like he’s overlooking something that’s right in front of him but then he enters the transporter room and pushes the thought aside for now. The rest of the landing party is already gathered. Jim, Spock, two women from security whose names he doesn’t know, Sulu and Pavel who is giving him a bright smile. Leonard grabs the medkit he has brought along and joins them on the pad. He brushes his hand over Pavel’s in an almost casual gesture and when he looks up he can see Jim wink at him. Of course he noticed. The day Jim Kirk does not know about his crewmen’s relationships be they platonic or sexual will be the day that hell freezes over… Sometimes Leonard wonders if Jim and Nyota spend a lot of time together just exchanging gossip about everyone on the ship.

He feels Pavel lean back slightly against him and for a little moment he even forgets about how much he hates the whole prospect of being reduced to his atoms and then reassembled somewhere else. It’s not that he doesn’t know that it is technically safe it’s just something about the image of his atoms being scattered back and forth through space that unsettles him. And he has seen how terrifying transporter accidents can be… However the feeling of the Russian against his chest is enough to distract him for long enough that he doesn’t even realise they’ve already arrived at their destination. When Jim said that it’s a bit hotter than Georgia in spring, it was an obvious understatement. It’s hotter than in a desert and the air seems thick enough that one could cut it with a sharp knife.

“What exactly is it, we’re looking for, Jim?” He asks as he grudgingly steps away from the young Ensign to join their Captain.

“Dilithium. According to Spock the scans indicate that there is a large deposit somewhere around here only a few feet underground. We don’t need much. Scotty says a few crystals should be enough to get us to the next space station but without them we might not get very far, the battle yesterday drained ours.” The doctor nods. Though he doesn’t know much about Engineering he does have an elementary understanding of how their Engines work and he understands that to keep their shields up and running during a battle against someone with advanced weaponry a lot of energy is required.

He also understands that his job is to make sure no one is harmed during this mission and though the surroundings don’t look particularly hostile. If you don’t count the incredible heat and really one of them is probably going to end up dehydrating before someone gets hurt for some other reason. Leonard hurries to follow Jim and Spock. Somehow he feels like Pavel and Sulu are better at not getting into trouble than their Captain is. Probably because he knows Jim all too well.

 

Maybe it’s due to the knowledge that away missions with Jim on planets that aren’t supposed to be dangerous never end well, that he reacts so quickly, when he hears one of the security women scream in terror behind them. One hand at his phaser, he whirls around only to find himself face to face with about half a dozen aliens with their weapons drawn – spears, bow and arrow and swords, obviously whatever species this is they’re not quite as advanced. They look weirdly deformed, long faces with multiple jet black eyes and long, thin limbs. They’re holding the struggling woman in the red uniform, a sharp blade pressed against her throat. Slowly Leonard raises both hands over his head and when he throws a quick glance over his shoulder he sees that Jim and Spock are doing the same thing. With narrowed eyes he watches the aliens approach. Obviously they’re not dumb enough to misunderstand their phasers as something harmless. Once they’ve disarmed all of them they start asking questions but neither Leonard nor any of the other members of the away team understand the weird clicking sounds they produced. After a few fruitless efforts to communicate, one of the aliens – apparently the leader – loses its patience and barks out a few orders.

The other aliens hurry to follow the commands and proceed to tie their hands behind their backs, not listening to Jim or even Spock who are trying to explain why they’re here and that they have no intentions of harming anyone.

“It’s pointless, Jim.” He just mutters, once they’re being lead across the red sand of the wasteland. He tugs at the ropes that have been wrapped around his wrists but they don’t give an inch. “Let’s hope they didn’t get Sulu and the others too.” His friend shrugs, obviously unwilling to give up just now but also realising that it’s useless to keep trying to talk to the aliens. The language barrier between them seems to make every effort for a peaceful solution of the situation impossible.

The aliens lead them around for another hour, or maybe two, Leonard loses track of time, when his head begins to swim and his throat starts getting dry. There are water bottles in the med kit but he doesn’t think the aliens will let them have any and he has no way of asking them anyway. He sees the same exhaustion in the faces of his crew members. Jim is biting his teeth together and the young security Ensign is clenching her fists behind her back, obviously trying to keep her composure. The only one who doesn’t seem affected by the dry heat is Spock but then again he grew up in a desert environment on a desert planet so he is probably used to it. The lack of oxygen – it’s only a few percent lower than earth’s atmosphere but after an hour of walking – makes him lightheaded and he stumbles, only to be forced back onto his feet by one of the aliens.

He still hopes that Pavel and the others got away, that they haven’t been captured by these things. Maybe they’re already on the ship and they’ll be coming for their rescue soon… The doctor realises that he shouldn’t have wasted his time on hope when they encounter a second group of aliens and in their midst the pilot and the second security Ensign.

The only one who’s missing is Pavel. Leonard wants to ask where he is, wants Sulu to tell him that he managed to escape but his throat is too dry to get out any words and the pilot doesn’t look up at him at any time during their trek.

They’re forced to walk some more until suddenly the sand is replaced by mountains and they’re lead into a small cave. The air here is less dry and the further they get underground the cooler and more humid it gets. It feels as though by breathing alone he can rehydrate his body and it help against the horrible dry feeling in his throat and lungs. They’re being pushed into what looks like a prison cell – on second glance he notices that it is in fact a cell of some kind – and the door is locked behind them. Now they're trapped, all of them inside the cell without their weapons or communicators.

“Pavel?” He rasps out, once the aliens have left and his gaze is glued to Sulu's face.

But the man only shakes his head. “I don’t know. He was right behind me and then he suddenly wasn’t.” It’s all he says before his voice gives in and it’s nowhere enough to reassure Leonard that the navigator is still alive.

Everything could’ve happened. The aliens could’ve killed him. He could’ve gotten lost in the desert, doomed to die from thirst or from the terrible heat of the sun. He could’ve been attacked by wild animals or something. Leonard forces himself to stop thinking about it. The kid is a fighter. He wouldn’t go down that easily.

Closing his eyes, he leans against the wall in his back and prays to every god he knows that Pavel is alright.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Pavel sees only one way to help his friends and trouble ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I thank my Bonesy for the graphics! <3 I hope you enjoy this chapter.

 

The big cat is just too visible on the red sand of the dunes. It hates the heat, hates the way its coat doesn’t blend in with the surroundings. Pavel hates the way the sand gets everywhere and sticks together strands of his fur and he hates how it burns his paws. But what he hates more is that he can barely smell anything through the thick, hot air surrounding him. A moment ago he’s still had Hikaru’s scent in his nose and it was easy to follow the trail but now it’s gone completely. All he smells is death.

It’s all around him, the stench of dead earth and lifeless stones. With a little growl, he turns around and tries to go back the way he has come until he can pick up the scent again but there’s nothing. Not even the unpleasant and weirdly sour smell of the aliens is still lingering in the air. It’s as though something has wiped the place clean of every scent he could pick up. Pavel wonders how the rest of the landing party is; he wonders if Leonard is alright of if they got captured as well. It almost seems that way. When he tried to follow the path they had taken earlier he found nothing but a whole bunch of different smells.

Pavel is glad that the cat is less affected by the heat than his human body is. It barely feels the need for water and fresh, cool air now that he has shifted and he is faster than in his frail human body anyway. The ground beneath him is slippery but his steps are light enough to carry him over the sand without sinking in. The navigator has waited for a chance to really stretch his four legs in a while now but this is definitely not what he has been hoping for. He wanted a planet where he could run. And not some place where he has to worry about his friends being abducted by some kind of aliens. Pavel tries to not think about the possibility that they’re all dead already and instead tries to cling to the little flame of hope in his head that’s telling him that they’re alright. All he has to do is to find them. Again and again he wishes he’d shifted before the aliens took his communicator and phaser but he didn’t have the opportunity until Hikaru started trying to fight back and thus distracting the aliens from the navigator.

Maybe this is karma catching up with him for lying to the Captain and Leonard and everyone else on the ship. Another thought that he pushes aside as quickly as possible. Pavel tries to concentrate on his senses, on trying to find out where his friends are. But every dune looks the same and the vast amount of sand around him is really driving him crazy. A tiny voice in his head tells him to just give up, to find a place where he can lie down and wait until someone comes to his rescue.

_But that might as well be never._

The shifter quickly reminds himself, because even if the others come look for him, they’re looking for a small human and not a big, yellow cat with black dots. It’s in that moment, when he spots the mountains in the distance.

They are dark against the red sky and look like sharp teeth, slicing up the thick blanket of clouds. And it’s not only his instincts but also his intellect telling him that this is where he has to go. It’s a simple equation: Pavel doubts that these aliens survive in the desert even though their skin appeared to be thicker and less delicate than human skin. And they didn’t see any life signs on the scanners. This meant they were either shielded or the aliens are living deep enough underground that the dilithium in the rocks above their caves serves as some sort of natural shielding. Water. There also has to be water in those mountains and even if he can’t find the alien he may at least find a place to rest there.

Even though every step seems to be more exhausting than the last, the Russian forces himself to keep going, keeping his gaze glued to the mountain while his other senses warn him about everything that is happening around him. He expects snakes and other animals that call earth’s deserts their habitat but here there is nothing. No sign of life for miles and maybe this is what confuses his senses so much because all he can smell is sand. Every now and then he thinks to hear something but when he looks around there is nothing but the waste. His paws hurt and his head is spinning, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. When he looks up again, he sees the mountains looming over him already and their shadows are blackening out the pale sun.

Relief floods his body once the ground is no longer sand but solid rock. It’s still too hot for his favour but the closer he gets to the mountains the cooler the air feels around him. It might just be his imagination though. It is the faint sound of voices, or rather the weird clicking sound these aliens produce with their lips that have him stop in his steps, crouching low behind one of the large rock formations. Though his hearing is good enough to determine where the aliens are, he still shifts until he can glance around the rock and get a good look at them. Three aliens are approaching the mountain: Two that look the same like the ones he has encountered in the desert and another, smaller one who is following the other two. Maybe an offspring of some sort? Pavel carefully sneaks out from his hiding place and after a few heartbeats he follows the sound of their footfalls. His own paws move soundlessly over the rock under his feet and he makes sure to stay in the shadows just in case there are any more of those aliens around. 

His senses pick up nothing until he gets to what looks like the entrance to a cave. The cat doesn’t want to go inside. It's afraid that it’s some kind of trap but he reminds himself that it’s also the only way how he can find out where the others are. And it is on him to save them now after all. Pavel can’t fail them just because he is too afraid of taking a few risks. With another glance at the sea of red sand that stretches out as far as the eye can see, he sets off into the darkness of the cave. The air is wonderfully humid and he can hear water running through the walls. It’s a beautiful sound, like music to his ears and when he stops in his search for his fellow crew members to lap at one of the puddles of apparently clear water. It’s not enough to satisfy his thirst but it’s enough to strengthen him a bit at least and he knows that one shouldn’t drink too much after going for a while without water anyway.

The cave is obviously bigger than he expected and Pavel suspects that the whole mountain is eroded by a network of caves. It makes sense, given the water that is running through the mountain here. There must be underground lakes too, like the ones he visited in Russia with his father once, when he was still small. It was a beautiful place, the walls almost sparkling in different colours under the light of the electric torch and with huge stalactites and stalagmites everywhere. Pavel drinks a bit more of the water before he quickly focuses on his search again. The sour smell of the aliens is everywhere in these caves but after what seems like an hour of sneaking around he picks up something else. It’s a very familiar scent one that he would recognise among a million other scents – it’s not even exaggerated, he’s pretty sure his senses would be sharp enough to find this scent that his brain immediately labels with ‘mate’ anywhere – and he hurries to follow it, down another long corridor. The darkness of the place is almost reassuring because he has no difficulty finding his path here. The light of torches that is flickering through the caves every now and then tells him that the aliens obviously need light to navigate too.

The navigator doesn’t really remember that he will have to explain his form to the others until he’s close enough that he can not only smell Leonard but also the rest of the group, the Captain, Hikaru and a sweet, flowery scent that he identifies as the perfume of one of the security Ensigns. There is also light at the end of the tunnel and he worries that there might be guards around. So he slows his steps, fitting himself against the wall as and staying in the shadows for as long as is possible. Pavel hears muffled voices and it’s almost soothing to hear his crewmates again though they seem quite concerned to him. The cat has trouble following the conversations in hushed English and at the same time concentrating on everything else that is going on around him. Pavel sneaks around the corner only to find the space in front of the door of the wide cage his friends are trapped in deserted. With a little huff of relief, he makes his way over to the bars, quiet enough that the others don’t notice him until he’s close enough to touch Hikaru’s leg with his snout through the bars.

The pilot lets out a high pitched shriek and jumps to his feet, alarming the rest of the group about the cat’s presence and Pavel gives him a little look of annoyance. Once his friend recognises him, his lips pull into a wide grin. Obviously forgetting that no one is supposed to know who the huge animal in front of the bars is, he calls out to him. “Pavel!” The shifter quickly shakes his head but it’s already too late. When he glances up he can see the confusion on the face of the other members of the landing party. With a little sigh – that probably sounds extremely weird, given surely none of the others has ever heard a Leopard sigh before – he waits until Hikaru is kneeling on the floor before him before he nods at the door, quietly asking how it is secured.

“It’s a simple lock and key. Whatever these aliens are, they’re not exactly what you’d call sophisticated.” The pilot explains, obviously ignoring the murmuring behind him. Pavel is sure the others probably think the Japanese has lost his mind or something but he doesn’t dare to look up at the doctor, afraid what he will see there. Instead he just nods, trying to tell Sulu without words that they should wait until he’s back with the keys and that he shouldn’t say anything to the others yet.

With a last, quick glance up at Leonard, he slinks away into the shadows again. The older male looked confused but Pavel believes to have seen something in his eyes, like a spark of recognition and understanding and he’s not sure if he should be relieved or not. Now he will have no other choice but to explain himself. What if Leonard doesn’t want him anymore once he finds out what he is? What if he will be disgusted? If he doesn’t want him anymore… The Russian forces himself not to think about it any longer. He has to figure out how to get the key for the cage or at least something he can pick the lock with first. Then, once he has freed the rest of the team he can still worry about how he’s supposed to explain himself. Maybe he will even have aome time until they make it back to the ship, before he has to come up with something to say.

Pavel easily finds his way back to the entrance of the cave but then he realises that he probably has to go deeper instead. There is no way the aliens stay outside of the caves for very long, not with the heat of the desert waiting for them out here. So he makes his way back again, this time, not listening to the instincts that tell him to follow the trail of scent that will lead him to his friends but instead taking different turns. It takes him deeper into the mountain, he can feel it by how cool the air around him gets and by how sticky and though he still prefers it to the heat and endless sand of the desert, the smell of mouldiness is itching in his nose.

The weird clicking noises that obviously make up the aliens’ language are filling these parts of the caves and he finds himself carefully following them. Pavel tries to avoid the speckles of light the torches on the walls project onto the ground and instead sneaks about in the shadows. In every other situation he would think it’s funny how the aliens sometimes turn their ugly heads because they think they have heard something only to find that there is nothing. Yet right now he has more important matters to attend to. The Russian has no idea how he’s supposed to figure out who has the keys to the cage. It’s probably easier if he just finds something else he can pick or break the lock with instead of actually checking every alien that might or might not be in this place for the right key.

The Russian stops dead in his tracks when he reaches the entrance to what looks like a great dome. A few rays of pale sunlight fall through openings in the wall over a hundred feet over his head and in front of him is a whole bunch of these aliens. They’re sitting on what looks like primitive stone benches. Some are busy cooking something out of the mushrooms that grow on some of the walls while several others are busy sharpening spears and other blades. The shifter sees his chance when he spots a few of those knives, some made out of bone but others made out of iron – indicating that this species has either learnt how to use iron and coal or wood and how to forge simple weapons out of them or that they have stolen them from someone else. Pavel is halfway through the dome, the knives only a few feet in front of him on the ground, when the sound of excited clicking is suddenly all around him. When he looks up he finds that the aliens have formed a loos circle around him, some of them pointing with long fingers at him, others wielding weapons.

Before he can realise it, his instincts take over. Pavel bares his fangs and growls. It’s a low, dangerous growl that echoes from the walls of the dome and has the aliens retreating in fear of the unknown creature in their middle. The shifter sees his opportunity, when he sports an opening in the circle of aliens. With a jump he grabs one of the knives between his teeth, then he runs. The cat blindly follows the trail of scent that should lead him down to the cage again, ignoring the sound of footsteps behind him. Pavel curses himself for boing careless enough to be seen but then again, the dome had been lighted by torches and the few shadows were barely enough to cover him even without no one looking in his direction. The blade of the knife cuts into his flews and he tastes blood but he doesn’t stop until he’s reached the wide cave with the cages again, letting the knife drop on the floor in front of the door before he shifts back into his human form.

The navigator can feel the looks of his team members; he can hear the shocked silence on the other side of the bars but he ignores it. Picking up the knife again he then starts working the lock. Pavel can hear the approaching footfalls in the tunnel but he doesn’t let it distract him. Tongue flicking out to wet his bloodied lips and holds his breath as he concentrates on his work. Only when the lock clicks and finally gives way under his blade, he lets out the breath he’s been holding.

“You did it!” Hikaru’s voice is quiet but he sounds relieved. Still it’s almost drowned out by the silent staring of the others. Pavel likes to think it’s because he’s gloriously naked – yes, he has to shed his clothes before shifting because obviously his trousers wouldn’t quite fit an almost fully grown Leopard – but he very well knows it’s because they think he’s betrayed them. Maybe even because they think he’s an animal now, maybe they have even lost all respect they had for him…

“Come now. Ve do not haff much time.” The Russian mumbles quietly and without looking up. Hikaru is the first at the door and he pulls him into a quick hug.

“It’ll be alright.” The pilot whispers into his ear, before he lets go of him and takes hold of the knife instead, knowing that the shifter will have no use for it in his other form. Pavel only nods, unable to quite believe his friend’s words just like this but what choice does he have? After all he has decided to do this and he will have to face the consequences. At least he had a great time on board the Enterprise. If he has to leave after today, he will still have his memories to comfort him.

“Hekahru can find ze vay out. I vill draw zem avay from you so you can leewe vizout diffikulty.” The pilot only nods and gestures for the rest of the away team to follow his lead. The Russian knows that his friend has memorised the way like he always does, it is something they trained together at the Academy. Pavel stands there for another moment, maybe waiting for someone to say something or object to his plan that might turn out quite deadly for the shifter but no one says a word. Not even Leonard speaks up and he doesn’t know why it hurts to think that the man doesn’t care what happens to him. Then, without another glance back, he shifts again and takes a leap down the hallway.

Pavel leaves the cave with the cages behind and makes his way deeper into the mountain. The Russian makes sure to make as much noise as possible, pushing vases out of his way. He runs into a group of the aliens at the end of the tunnel but he easily dodges the spear that is aimed for him and instead takes off into another direction. The cat doesn’t mind walking into the unknown, he’s sure he can find his way back later, for now all that cares is to draw them away from the others as possible.

And he succeeds, at least he thinks that he does, because he can hear steps and enraged clicking sounds behind him when he makes his way down the tunnel. Pavel ends up in the same dome as before, this time snatching one of the communicators that are lying in a heap on the ground. Without slowing down for too long, he runs past a group of children and down another, darker corridor that leads even further down. There are steps and for a moment he hesitates. If they have found the right way, the others should be outside by now, which means he has to get back there and he doubts there is another way out. But he can’t go back, the footfalls behind him are an unmistakeable sign that he’s still being followed and he’d rather not end up pierced by one of those spears…

So he takes the stairs. Down it goes and further down until he suddenly is standing at the edge of a huge, underground lake. The cat hisses at the sight, nervously dancing back and forward for a little moment. There is nowhere else to go. Of course he can swim but he doesn’t know what else is in that lake and there is nowhere it will take him. There is no underground river going from here or something, the water is too still for it. The only remarkable thing about the lake is the green shimmer at the bottom. _Dilithium._

Pavel closes his eyes for a moment and listens to the steps behind him. Two aliens are still following him, more slowly now, obviously because they know this place better than him and they know that he has nowhere else to go. Gently placing the communicator on the ground, the shifter turns around, unsheathing his claws and baring his fangs. The cat makes an imposing sight in the darkness of the cage, his eyes glowing greenish and his teeth and claws reflecting the light of the torches.

Never has he learnt how to fight but his instincts tell him what to do and for the first time he lets them take over completely. When the first alien rounds the corner, the cat jumps. If he was unsure about this before, even scared, he no longer is. His claws easily tear through the thick, dry skin until they are cutting flesh and his teeth find the alien’s neck as though he has done this a hundred times before. The cat rips and tears, tasting salty-sweet blood, while his own is rushing in his ears. By the time he lets go of the alien his world is drowned in a red haze and his eyes, narrowed to slits, focus on the second alien. It is backing off, slowly but its weapon is still aimed at the cat and it makes him furious.

The shifter leaps again and his whole being is focused on hurting, killing, tearing apart. Pavel doesn’t even notice the sharp blade cutting through the skin underneath the fur of his shoulder. The cat easily pushes the sword aside and drags his claws over the alien’s chest. The skin break so easily. Pavel does it again and again, not even noticing that the alien is no longer fighting back. _No!_ With a growl he shakes his head and yanks his claws free. The shifter stumbles backwards and for a little moment stares at what he has done. How could anyone see him as anything but a monster if this is what he does when he’s not in control? He has changed back into his human form before he even notices it. For a long moment he’s just sitting there, naked and shaking in a pool of blood that is only partly his own.

All those people who call shifters dangerous are right. His father was right in telling him that he is a monster. One should chain him up and control him because there is no knowing what the cat will do if anyone is to ever really hurt him. Leonard could never love someone like him.

Pavel is too scared to turn back, not trusting himself to control his instincts. Grabbing one of the aliens’ coats and he quickly wraps it around his naked form before he grabs the sword in one hand and the communicator in the other. The way out is easier as the way in, now that everyone is looking for a big yellow,-black cat instead of a small human and with his almost soundless steps he makes it to the entrance of the cave without anyone noticing him. As much as he hates the heat and the sun, it is a relief to get out of the darkness of the cave now.

With a sigh, he rests his back against the side of the cave for a little moment, feeling a sudden wave of dizziness shake his body. The navigator drops the sword and instead presses his hand to his shoulder, in a feeble attempt to stop the bleeding. Glad that his senses have not yet abandoned him, he tightens his grip around the communicator and follows the faint scent of his crewmates to one of the bigger rock formations. The moment he rounds the corner, someone jumps him, pressing him against the wall with a hand over his mouth but once the Captain recognises him, he quickly lets go again.

“Chekov.” His voice is filled with something that Pavel can’t quite identify. Confusion, surprise, distrust. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he succeeded in getting them out and finding a way for them to contact the Enterprise so they can be saved. With a quiet ‘Keptin’ he holds out a shaking hand and presents the communicator to Kirk. The expression on the other male’s face changes into one of relief and Pavel figures that he hasn’t failed him completely. The Captain takes the device and Pavel lets himself sink to the ground, leant against the rock in his back. There is nothing else he can do now. Now he just wishes that someone would tell him he’s done good…

The navigator feels someone take hold of his arms and hears a gentle voice calling out his name but he doesn’t register who it is before the darkness takes him and he loses consciousness.

_"Pavel!"_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things start to get out of hand.

When he sees the big yellow cat with the dark spots emerge from the shadows of the tunnel, he’s still not sure what he’s supposed to think, to _believe_ now. The words of the scientist from the space station are still on his mind, when the cat actually starts changing. It looks painful, the body stretching and bending in ways it definitely isn’t supposed to. But it’s over in less than a few seconds and instead Pavel is standing in its place. And it is really him, his long, lithe and very naked body, the golden curls and the bright eyes are unmistakeable. His pale skin is still bearing the faded bruises and bite marks the doctor has left there in the morning. The kid doesn’t look up, focuses on breaking the lock to the cage they’re in and Leonard doesn’t know what to say. The doctor obviously didn’t know about this but it kind of makes sense now: The physicals he never conducted, the weird glow in his eyes and the oddly graceful way he seems to move with. Also the words of the scientist, how he fled sickbay once he noticed the other shifter in the room. Pavel kept it a secret, no, not only that but he outright _lied_ to Leonard.

The older man can’t understand why it hurts so much to think that the boy didn’t trust him enough to tell him about this. Leonard doesn’t care that the navigator is breaking Starfleet regulation or anything because apparently the Captain doesn’t know about it either so it can’t be just a mistake in his files. It’s not important. What’s important is that he wormed his way into the doctor’s heart but never trusted him. It makes him question what he is to him. The thought crosses his mind that Pavel just wanted to use him to his advantage. That he was afraid the doctor would get suspicious and thus decided to take more drastic steps to keep his secret a secret. Leonard quickly discards the thought. The older man doesn’t want to even start considering what that meant. All he can feel is disappointment, hurt and maybe even anger that the kid lied to him. And if he hasn’t noticed it before, this is the very moment when he realises how hard he’s fallen for him already. Because he can’t get over it. He can’t take his eyes from Pavel when he quietly follows the others out through the iron door.

Shifter. This is the second time he’s being confronted with this words and he doesn’t like it at all. What does it mean, that Pavel isn’t even human? The images from his nightmares appear in his mind again and he hastily shakes his head to chase them away again before they can take over his thinking. Leonard is pretty sure he wouldn’t have minded what the kid was, as long as he told him the truth about it… He doesn’t say anything when the navigator announces his plan because he doesn’t know what to say. Of course he cares for him, god, he cares for him way too much but he doesn’t dare to open his mouth, afraid of the words that will fall out if he does. So he keeps his mouth shut and watches the boy he loves turn back into the large cat. The gaze of the green eyes finds his for a little moment and he’s not sure what he sees in them. They are so foreign, so alien. Then, without a glance back, the animal disappears into the dark of the tunnel again. It moves gracefully and soundlessly, truly a predator and despite everything he has seen only moments ago there is a part of his mind that just doesn’t want to believe that this really is Pavel. Maybe he’s hallucinating, maybe he’s even dreaming. They’re still in the cage waiting for rescue and the lack of water has just pushed him over the edge and now he’s gone crazy… but it all is way too real to be a hallucination and when Sulu urges them on to follow him, he can feel Jim gripping his arm and dragging him along.

The pilot is the only one who’s not surprised by any of this. Even Spock looks a bit taken aback by the events that have been unfolding around him. Sulu knows. Leonard thinks. And he feels another stab in his chest. Not quite sure whether it is jealousy or pain, he just ignores it and makes sure he doesn’t lose the others as they make their way out of the caves and into bright daylight again. It hurts his eyes and he has to blink a few times to get used to it again. The first breath of the dry, sandy air is almost torturous but they don’t have the time to wait until all of them have adjust to the new surroundings since no one knows how long the young navigator will be successful in distracting their captors.

The Captain orders them to find a hideout out of sight but not too far from the entrance of the cave. After Sulu has assured him that Pavel will still be able to find them, Spock leads them to a rock formation a few feet away from the entrance. This should work for now, he announces with a lot more words than necessary but Leonard doesn’t really listen to him. The doctor wants to punch something or yell at someone but he can do neither, because they have to be quiet and wait until something happens and it’s driving him insane. Leonard wants the navigator to be here so he can demand an explanation. He wants to ask why he lied to him, why he didn’t think it necessary to tell him that he wasn’t entirely human. But Pavel isn’t here. The kid is still somewhere inside this mountain, endangering his own life to ensure their safety and it makes Leonard doubt everything that he’s been thinking. There is part of his mind that insists that he should be disappointed and hurt and there is a part that whispers that the Ensign might’ve had his reasons to not tell the truth about himself. But he doesn’t want to forgive now, he wants to understand and he wants to be angry because he hates lies. Lies are the first step on the dark road to betrayal. A relationship means trust and you can’t trust a liar, can you?

Leonard rubs a hand over his face and tries to concentrate on something else. He will have to stave off the thoughts until they’re back on the ship because right now is not the time to think about any of this. Right now they have to save themselves first. The time to ask for answers will surely come. If the boy comes back in one piece that is. Only now he realises what it meant that the kid has gone on his own and it is worry that eats away at his heart more than it is the hurt.

The Captain’s voice is what makes him turn around but he can’t focus on Jim for too long because Pavel is back. For a moment all he can do is stand still and stare because the navigator is drenched in blood, some that is too dark to be his own but some that is bright red and oozing from a deep gash in his shoulder. Without thinking he hurries over to the younger male and reaches for him before his head can hit the ground. “Pavel!” Leonard calls out, a cold realization bubbling up in his chest that he fights off as best as possible. Gathering the young Ensign in his arms, his fingers fumble to find his bare neck, searching for a pulse. It is there. It is there but it is weak and slower than it’s supposed to be. Before he can call for him, Sulu is by his side, his face pulled into a worried expression. Leonard doesn’t want to think about just how close the two men are when he barks out an order for Sulu to get rid of his undershirt so they can use it to still the bleeding. The pilot does it without hesitation and together they wrap the cloth around the Russian’s shoulder and keep the pressure until Scotty manages to beam them back aboard the Enterprise.

Pavel is weak in his arms, like a delicate doll and not at all like the dangerous animal that the doctor has seen in his place only minutes ago. The moment they’re in the transporter room and no longer on the burning hot surface of the planet, they’re once again surrounded by people. Someone pries the young man out of his arms and they heave him on a gurney instead. Without waiting for the doctor’s orders, he is rushed off to the medical bay.

Leonard hesitates for another moment, glancing up at Jim. The man seems troubled, his brows are knotted together in a thoughtful frown. “Go take care of him Bones. But tell me as soon as he’s conscious and ready to talk. I have a few questions that need answering.”

He nods and without another glance leaves the transporter room. His feet carry him to the turbolift and then to the medical bay while his thoughts seem to still remain on the planet. Leonard has questions too. The doctor has a lot of questions for the young man but first he has to make sure he’s alright. No matter how much he doubts him right now, Leonard knows that he cannot lose him. Not now and not like this. Unsure whether or not he thinks it is irritating that Sulu is already there, when he shows up at the navigator’s bedside, he curtly tells him to wait somewhere else, where he’s not in the way. The pilot obeys the order without complaining, he just gently touches Pavel’s hand before he leaves and Leonard is too busy calling for Christine to comment on it.

“You know about his biology, you mix his sedatives and replicate blood for him.” He orders, not without a hint of reproach in his voice. She has lied to him too. She has kept this a secret from him and she has faked medical reports for the boy for who knows how long. So much for trust between the CMO and his head nurse. Still, it’s not the right time to worry about this. Leonard has to fix the kid’s shoulder first. Once he’s done mending the wound, he checks him for any other injuries but finds only a few bruises and smaller cuts that are easily mended.

Once he’s done with that he sets up the infusion and watches for a moment, as the artificial blood is pumped into the kid’s veins. Then he starts washing him. Leonard knows that he could as well leave this to Christine or one of the other nurses but he wants to do it himself. Gently he wipes off the blood, sand and dirt from the pale skin and for the first time really notices the sheer amount of tiny freckles all over his shoulder and cheekbones. The intense sun on the planet must’ve brought them out and the doctor wonders how the kid would look after a week in Georgia. His mother would adore him, he thinks with a little tilt of his head, as he carefully washes the boy’s face. His lips and mouth are bloody and once again only part of it is his. He had to fight his way out. Leonard figures and suddenly he can see the sleek Leopard in his mind, standing over his lifeless corpse, its snout and claws bloody…. He shakes his head to push aside the thoughts.

The doctor pulls the covers up around the young navigator and leaves him there. Until the kid wakes up on his own accord, this is all he can do. He informs Christine that she can allow Sulu to sit with him if he’s careful not to disturb the Russian’s sleep before he trudges over to his office. Halfway there, he changes his mind and instead heads for the bed of the other shifter. The young scientist is wide awake and has without doubt noticed what is going on around her. The scent of blood must be overwhelming for her, he figures, if her senses are as sensitive as everyone says.

“Is he alright.” She asks quietly and Leonard nods tiredly. He pulls up a chair and sits down next to her bed. “You have questions for me.” She figures and the doctor only nods again, not quite sure where he wants to begin.

“We’re not dangerous.” She says, looking at her own hands rather than at the man she is talking to. “We’re not that different from normal humans either. We’re mostly human. We just have the senses and the instincts and the other form. We’re not animals like they say. A shifter only fights when they’re threatened. If he attacked someone it’s most likely because someone was about to hurt him. Or someone who means a lot to him.” And she gives the doctor a pointed look at that.

“He is…” Leonard begins but he’s unsure how to continue, so he just stops and gets out of his chair again. Whatever is left that he could ask her, he can ask Pavel as well and he would rather hear it from him.

“He is as much a human as you are. He’s not a monster.”

The doctor doesn’t reply to her last words, just nods and then turns to walk back to his office. He knows that.

It’s Sulu who informs him that Pavel has woken up. Apparently the pilot really has nothing better to do than sit by his friend’s bedside all night and Leonard can’t judge him. Somehow he feels guilty for not being there too but he tries to get rid of that feeling as quickly as possible. He calls Jim because he wanted to know as soon as Chekov woke up and then ends up waiting for the Captain to get down to sickbay before he actually makes his way over to the Russian’s bed. He doesn’t know why but he’s not sure that he can face the kid alone – Sulu doesn’t exactly count – right now.

Leonard is pretty sure that apart from the incidents with Nero and Khan he has never seen Jim look this serious before. Even when he is sitting in the chair next to the Ensign’s bed his stature is rigid and the lines on his youthful face speak of anger. “I guess you got something to tell us, Ensign Chekov.” Jim just says, without the usual warmth in his tone that he usually saves for the boy and some of the other crew members.

The navigator notices it, of course, and ducks his head. Pavel is frantically biting his bottom lip as though looking for a way to explain everything but he’s obviously to come up with anything. When Sulu wants to speak up though, he just reaches out to touch the pilot’s hand and shakes his head.

“Zere is not much to say, sers.” The boy finally starts and when he looks up his face is no longer scrunched up in a thoughtful frown. “I am a shifter. Zat does not make me any less of a rightful member of zis crew zan anyvone else.”

“You’re _unregistered_.” The Captain stresses the last word enough to make the young man in the biobed wince. “Starfleet doesn’t care if you’re a shifter as long as they know that you are. You have falsified your records and somehow snuck your way in without anyone knowing what you are. It’s not only because they want to keep tab on you, it’s for your own _safety._ Bones could’ve poisoned you with something because he didn’t know about your condition.”

“Eet is not a condition!” The Russian started, his eyes suddenly flaring with anger before he manages to pull himself together. “And apparently zere vas no diffikulty viz my medical history.” He adds coldly, before his shoulders slump again. “I know zat I haff done vrong but you do not know how eet is, Keptin. Starfleet vould haff newer aksepted me if zey knew vhat I am.”

Leonard frowns at that. “There are a lot of shifters working for Starfleet, why should you be different?”

This time it’s Sulu who answers the question. The pilot is as calm and collected as Pavel looks horrified. “Normal shifters, yes. But none like him. Pavel’s a rare. They don’t just allow his kind to go off on adventures and get killed somewhere in space.”

The image of the large cat flashes before the doctor’s eyes and he frowns, trying to remember exactly how it looked like. A normal Leopard, maybe with a few more spots than were common but…

“You know that Starfleet’s orders are to get you back to Earth as soon as possible, Mister Chekov? If they find out about this, and I will have to inform them before my First Officer does it, they will make sure I drop you off at the next space station so you can be shipped back to San Francisco and then get registered.” Jim’s expressions have softened into something else, pity maybe, reluctance to just give up one of his most important officers. “I don’t wanna do it but you know what happened the last time I broke regulation. I’m afraid this time there won’t just be some madman who helps me get my commando back.”

The Russian just shrugs. Leonard can’t help but feel sorry for him because it’s not his fault that he was born different. But they still haven’t talked about any of the things between them yet so he refrains from trying to comfort him somehow. That’s Sulu’s job for now.

“Do I have to report Mister Sulu and Nurse Chapel as well for breaking of regulation in not reporting you right away?”

Pavel hastily shakes his head. “Nyet. No, Keptin. Eet is solely my idea and my fault. I dragged zem into zis and….” He hesitates for a little moment. “I zreatened zem into keeping my secret, ser. Zey haff nozeng to do viz zis at all.

Sulu opens his mouth to say something but the Russian quickly shakes his head. It’s courageous of him, almost admirable of him to take the blame for everything even though as far as Leonard knows, both Christine and the pilot willingly helped him out.

Jim is about to open his mouth to say something else, maybe keep questioning the kid and this time the doctor actually dares to speak up. “Jim. Mister Chekov needs rest. He’s been through a lot today. You can keep grilling him after he’s had a good night sleep, doctor’s orders.”

The Captain nods, looking not at all taken aback by his interruption. In fact he does look almost relieved that he doesn’t have to keep this up. With a little sigh he gets up from his chair and straightens his shirt. “Ensign Chekov, you are confined to your quarters until further notice. When Bones relieves you, you will head there directly, without detours, and then stay until… we find a solution for this.” His smile is exhausted but apparently honest, when he leans forward to ruffle the kid’s hair. “Off the record: You saved all our asses today. And I’ll be damned if I let them take away my best navigator.” Leonard can almost see how the kid’s face lights up with relief and happiness at those words and the way Pavel is watching the Captain leave is full of honest respect and admiration.

It isn’t until Sulu excuses himself to go take a shower and change into something less dirty, that the smile leaves the Ensign’s lips. Not quite sure what to say, Leonard just stands there for another while, watching the kid avoid eye contact as best as possible. “Doktor…” He begins and then stops again, fumbling with blanket. _So much for first name basis._ The older man can’t help but huff out a breath, for some reason feeling even more hurt by this than he should be. His wish to talk about everything is gone all of a sudden. All he is longing for now is a drink and for the kid to get out of his eyes.

“There’s no reason to keep you here any longer than necessary. I’ll have Christine take out the IVs and then you can go to your quarters.” Leonard says icily before he simply turns and leaves. For a moment he can feel the kid’s eyes on his back but Pavel doesn’t call out to him or anything. He’s just watching him leave. He’s angry because he feels so goddamn weak. The doctor punches the panel next to his office door to lock it and sinks into his chair. Face buried in his hands he tries to regain at least some of his composition before he reaches for the shelf with the bourbon. “Hook up with the kid, it’ll do you some good…” Leonard scoffs, as he pours himself a generous amount only to down it instantly. Sure. Like this worked out so brilliantly. For a moment he thinks that he should probably blame himself too for being naïve enough to think this could ever work out but then again it’s so much easier to blame the boy for everything that he just goes with that for now. And the young Ensign seems so keen on taking the blame anyway…

Leonard doesn’t look up and out of the window his office has to supervise the medical bay until his shift is over. He doesn’t want to risk seeing Pavel – _Chekov_ because he’s not sure how he will react if the Russian actually tries to talk to him or anything. The doctor almost doesn’t notice the change of lights, it’s the buzzing of the door and Christine’s waving through the window that gets his attention. With a wave of his hand he tells her to just leave because he doesn’t want to talk to her either right now. He considers taking the bourbon to his quarters with him but then decides against it. There should still be some brandy on the shelf next to his bed, no reason to take his work supply away from work. Leonard doesn’t spare as much as a glance for M’Benga but the man doesn’t complain; he’s probably too used to him already to find it in any way offensive.

He’s almost at his quarters already, when he changes his mind all of a sudden. It could just be the alcohol that gives him more confidence or really something like guilt that makes him turn around and head into another direction. The corridors are mostly deserted when he slowly follows the room numbers. He doesn’t remember ever knowing which room it is that Sulu and Pavel share but he’ll just follow the name tags and then he’ll find it eventually, he thinks.

And he does. Leonard hesitates, hand already raised to tap the panel next to the door to ring but not sure if he should actually do it. But then he realises how ridiculous he’s being and just taps the button to announce his presence. The door slides open after a few seconds and Sulu appears in front of him. The pilot stares at him for a moment, obviously neither surprised nor too happy by his presence but then he just shrugs and calls out over his shoulder. “The doctor’s here. Do you wanna see him?” The reply is muffled and Leonard can’t really understand what the Russian is saying but it obviously makes sense to his roommate because Sulu steps aside to let him in.

The room is much tidier than he expected, half of it is covered in plants, the other half in star charts and colourful pictures of nebulas and black holes. Uncertain he stands in the middle of the room until Pavel emerges from the bathroom. He looks horrible, not only is his complexion even paler than usually but he has dark shadows under his eyes from the exhaustion and his eyes are weirdly red as though he’s been crying.

“We have to talk.” He starts and the Ensign just nods. Leonard can feel Hikaru’s glare on him when the Russian weakly gestures for one of the two chairs or the bed, obviously meaning for him to sit down.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things go horribly, terribly wrong...

 

“We have to talk.” Pavel is not sure if it’s what he wants to hear but he knew that it had to happen eventually and if he runs away now he will only try to fight off the inevitable. With a little nod he runs a hand through his hair and motions for the doctor to sit down before he sinks down onto the edge of the bed. For a moment he’s considering asking Hikaru to stay because if his heart gets broken now, he’ll at least someone there with him but that would be childish, so he just quietly asks his friend if he wants to go have supper without him. The pilot nods and gives him a last sympathetic glance before he disappears out of the door. Silence falls over them again when neither the doctor nor the young Ensign know how to even begin, but then Pavel clears his throat and clutches his hands together in his lap. Better get over with it as quickly as possible.

 

He doesn’t get to say anything though because Leonard speaks before he can even figure out what exactly he wants to say. “Were you ever going to tell me? That you’re a- a shifter?” The Russian opens his mouth but the other man isn’t done yet. “Or were you gonna keep lying to me? Were you gonna keep hiding this even after you let me fuck you? I mean, I don’t give a shit about what you are because I care about who you are but what am I supposed to think when you don’t even _trust_ me enough to tell me about something as important as that? Or do you think I don’t deserve to be told the truth?” The doctor seems so upset but it’s the look of disappointment on his face, the sadness that makes the young Russian cringe.

 

How is he supposed to tell Leonard that he hasn’t really thought anything when he decided not to tell him? How is he supposed to make him understand that he was afraid? And, maybe he’s right, maybe Pavel really didn’t trust him because he thought the doctor would think his regulations and his duty towards the Captain and his best friend to be more important than his newly found… whatever Pavel was to him. He swallows thickly and casts his eyes down to stare at his interlaced fingers, waiting for the other man to finish before he starts to explain. Or at least tries to find a way to apologise.

 

“What even am I to you?” He says it quietly, his voice wavering and the words make the navigator want to beg for forgiveness. Because Leonard doesn’t even know how much he means to him and he has no way to make him understand now, that he has so thoroughly betrayed his trust. “Who even are you? For all I know the real Pavel Chekov could be nothing like the kid I thought I knew.”

 

The navigator hurries to shake his head. “No!” He has to resist the urge to shift closer to the older man, to reach out for him because he doesn’t know if he can find the right words. But he has to. Even if the doctor can never forgive him, he has to at least make him understand that Pavel never meant any harm by keeping what he is a secret!

 

“I- I newer vanted to lie to you. I promise I vanted to tell you all ze time but I vas scared you vould… I vas scared you vould not like me anymore. And zat you vould feel obliged to tell ze Keptin about eet and zat Starfleet vill find out ewentually.” He keeps staring down at his hands, pressing the tips of his fingers together until the knuckles shine white under his skin. “You are eweryzeng to me.” Pavel admits quietly. “I know zat I do not know you for so long but I know zat I am in love viz you and eet scared me. I do not know vhat you zink about me but I feared zat if zere vould ewen be a chanse zat you like me back, you vould not do eet if you knew zat I am vhat I am. I- I understand if you vill say zat you do not vant to haff anyzeng to do viz me anymore. I deserwe eet for lying to you and eweryvone else, I understand. I vill haff to go back to eerz anyvay now so eet does not reelly make a difference, does eet?”

 

He bites his bottom lip, unable to keep his voice from shaking and cursing himself for his obvious weakness. The doctor doesn’t answer for a while, he doesn’t move either and when Pavel dares to glance up at him, the expression on his features is unreadable. “Why?” He finally asks, calmly, his voice void of every emotion. “Why would you lie in the first place? Starfleet doesn’t usually care if you’re a shifter or not. They’re known to employ all kinds of humans and aliens. So why not talk to someone there and get in the legal way?”

 

The navigator sighs, almost relieved because this part is easier to explain than the rest was. “Sulu said eet before. I am a rare. Eet is true zat shifters viz races zat are more common are allowed to live a normal life like ewery ozer human is. So you see a lot of lions and cheetahs and eweryzeng but eet is not ze same for rares.” He hesitated a little moment. He’s never been really proud of what he is though his mother always told him to be. He never wanted to be special in this way, he just wanted to be human like everyone else and be able to do what he wanted with his life. “I am an Amur Leopard. Akkording to ze statistiks zere are only about twenty ozers around ze vorld. So I am vone of ze rarest shifter species. Sins eve are zreatened by extinction, ze gowernment vould newer let me vork anyvhere vhere eet is dangerous.

 

My mozer vas a shifter too. She told me about ze dormitories. Eet is vhere zey keep registered, rares until zey haff found a suitable mate for zem. So not only are zey not allowed to vork and live like zey vant to, ze gowernment also decides who zey vill bond viz and I haff heard so many stories from people who say zat zey pretend to choose somevone who is good for ze shifter but end up picking somevone who vill donate a lot of money in return…” So basically they are sold off to the highest bidder and they have no legal ground or way to protest. Because they are not completely human and it is all done for their own safety. The prospect is disgusting and Pavel still cannot understand how someone could call it just and sophisticated. In his eyes it is the same as the slave trading he read in his history books about.

 

“So mama told me to newer get registered. Because she vanted for me to be able to do vhat I vant and to pick a mate because I love zem, not because zey haff money. Vhen mama died, my fazer… vas not wery interested in me but vhen he started talking about getting me registered after all, I ran avay. I vent to Moscow and studied zere vhen I got ze letter from Starfleet. Eet vas eweryzeng I alvays vanted and vhen I vent zere I met zis nurse, Christine who has experience viz shifters and she said she could help me get in… And she did. Ze only people who knew vhat I vas until today vere she and Hekahru. But I swear, I vanted to tell you about eet as soon as possible… I newer vanted to lie to you!”

 

The young Russian looks up, wordlessly begging for the doctor to understand. The man just keeps looking at him though with his unreadable expression, like he is trying to figure out if he is lying or not. Pavel isn’t sure if he can stand this for much longer, when Leonard suddenly reaches out to take his hand. Their fingers slide together and the doctor seems to be fascinated with the sight for a moment before he actually says something. “I’m sorry, kid.” The words make the Ensign’s heart sink. He’s expecting the ‘but I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘I can’t be with you like this’ and in an effort to keep his composure he clings to the other’s hand like it is the only thing he has left. But it never comes.

 

“I didn’t know you had it so bad. Everyone talks ‘bout how great our society is, when they treat some of their members like this and no one says a word about it. I get why you’d be scared and I’m sorry I got so angry with you.” It’s like someone has opened the flood gates and now relief is flooding through his body like a great wave. Leonard understands. And he doesn’t seem to be angry with him if the gentle touch if his fingers on his wrist is any indication. “I just thought you could be honest with me. Because you mean a lot to me too.”

 

Pavel shook his head, still not sure if he wants to cry or laugh. “I know I can now! Oh pleese, if you giwe me anozer chanse I promise I vill newer lie to you again! Just…” He stops, suddenly realising that there is no such thing as a second chance for him, for them. Because he will be shipped back to earth as soon as they get to the nearest deep space station. He will be registered and locked away until a mate is found for him and he will never see Leonard again in his life. With his shoulders slumped, he sinks back, not willing to let go of the doctor’s hand even when he shifts a bit further away from him. “I am sorry.” He just mumbles quietly. “You should probably go. Tell ze Keptin zat he should just inform ze Admiralty and make sure zat zere vill be a transport to eerz vhen ve reech ze next station.”

 

The navigator wants to pull his hand away but Leonard keeps holding onto his, a frown on his face. He looks like he wants to say something like ‘I won’t let you go’ and it makes the Russian’s heart beat faster but instead he just shrugs. “There has to be a way. I mean if the Captain sends a formal request or something or Mister Spock… there has to be a way to keep you on the ship, right?” Leonard gives him a look that seems to say ‘you are the genius, you have to figure something out’ but Pavel only shakes his head. After a few seconds of thinking though, he slowly nods, carefully watching the change in the doctor’s expression.

 

“Zere is vone vay.” He starts but he doesn’t know if he should really tell him about it. There is definitely no way the other man would agree to it even though there is a spark of unrealistic hope in his chest. What if he does agree? Wouldn’t that make you happy? Wouldn’t that be everything you ever dreamt of? _Yes._ He admits but it was just fantasies, probably induced by the hormones of his yearly returning heat – even with the suppressants Christine has given him every time, it still seemed to affect his mind a bit.

 

“Spit it out, kid.” Leonard demands, though his voice is gentle and he is still holding onto his hand, his thumb softly rubbing circles into his wrist every once in a while.

 

The Russian bites his bottom lip, a nervous habit that he really should get rid of and ducks his head. “If I vas bonded.” He murmurs quietly.

 

“What?” Pavel isn’t sure if it’s shock or just surprise in the doctor’s voice.

 

“If I had a bondmate. Zen Starfleet vould not be able to take me avay. Because bonded shifters, ewen rares cannot be separated from zeir mates. If… if ve for example vere bonded for example I vould be allowed to stay on ze Enterprise because you are vorking here.” He waits anxiously for a reply but the older man obviously doesn’t know what to say. Glancing up he carefully watches his features, trying to read what is going on behind his forehead but failing. The doctor is as unreadable as ever and not even his heightened senses can help him out with that. So he will has to wait until Leonard actually speaks his thoughts out loud.

 

“You mean if we bonded. As in… But I thought shifters mate for life so you would be stuck with me for the rest of our lives.” Pavel only nodded. The doctor doesn’t look too happy with this. Of course not. He will never want to be bonded to someone like him, especially not if there is no way out. Of course you can break a bond but the chance that the shifter dies during the procedure is so high that it’s rarely done and most practitioners are working with illegal methods. It’s funny how some say that shifters are genetically superior to normal humans but they are so fragile really. Until death does us part has so much more meaning when you will literally go insane and most likely die after your partner dies or tries to get a divorce from you.

 

The tiny spark of hope in his chest is crushed by the dark hand of reality. How could he be so stupid to even think about it? To even consider that Leonard would take him as a mate after they hadn’t even been together for more than two days. It was just foolish, like a little cub’s dream of finding their perfect mate.

 

“You want to?” Leonard starts and his words make Pavel’s eyes widen. He can’t actually be thinking about this! “I mean, you really think this would work out? Would it be worth it just to stay on the ship?”

  1. The young shifter shakes his head again. “I vould newer do eet only to stay on ze ship. You said eet yourself, I vill only ewer haff vone bondmate in my life. If I haff to choose somevone I vant to choose somevone I truly vant to spend ze rest of my life viz, no matter how short or long eet might turn out to be.” He says quietly, turning Leonard’s hands in his and trailing his veins with his fingertip. “I vould ask you because I love you, not because I am hoping to keep my job zis vay.”



 

Once again he expects to be rejected but instead Leonard grabs his arm and pulls him closer to him. The sudden embrace comes as a surprise for the navigator but he gratefully melts into it, wrapping his arms around the older male and hiding his face in his shoulder. If he could just stay like this forever. Fend off Starfleet and everyone else by never letting go of this amazing man again.

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, kid.” The doctor’s voice is gentle in his ear and still it makes his hart skip a beat. He freezes, feeling unable to breath for a little moment. There it is, the rejection he has been waiting for and still it hits him like a wave of ice cold water. He feels tears in his eyes and this time he doesn’t care if he manages to swallow them down or not. Leonard can’t see them anyway.

 

“You have no idea what you’re saying.” The doctor continues. “You’re still young. You have all your life ahead of you. There is still so much left for you to do, to explore and experience. You may think I’m the right guy for you now but in a few years, maybe even a few months you will think differently. Look at me, I’m old. I’ have an ex-wife, I’ve seen more of matrimony than I wanted to know, and I’ve seen how it ends. It’s ugly. And even if it’s not that that spoils the cake for you, you wouldn’t even know what to do with me. I’m old and boring, you’re still a teenager. You will want to go out and have fun while I’m sitting inside reading a book or something.”

 

Pavel wants to tell him how ridiculous he is, saying things like that but when he pulls back and Leonard doesn’t even try to keep holding onto him, he can’t find the right words to say. “You do not meen zat…” He starts, his voice wavering and weak but the expression on the doctor’s face is dead serious. His eyes are sad. The Russian thinks and he’s not sure why he notices that of all the things he should be focusing on.

 

“I mean it, kid. You’re just a kid. You will find someone better, someone younger and more suited to take care of you. Someone who will really love you and who will want to do everything for you.” Leonard doesn’t even more when the navigator shifts further away from him, he just lets his hands fall down into his lap again.

 

“Vhat are you saying ‘somevone who vill reelly love me?’” He has trouble finding any words at all, his mind is a swirling mess of emotions. “You are saying you do not love me. Zat you vill newer reelly love me?” And oh god, he _has_ been expecting this after all but he never thought it would hurt quite that much to hear the other male say it out loud.

 

For a moment Leonard seems to hesitate but Pavel refuses to let it make him hope again. And he is right because only moments later the older man nods slowly. “That’s right. I’ll never love you as much as you deserve to be loved.” And then he’s suddenly on his feet again, turned away from the Russian who can’t seem to move. “You’ll get over me, Pavel. I promise you that. You’ll find someone who’s better suited to be your mate and you’ll live happily ever after. Just wait, in a few years you’ll have forgotten all about me.”

 

And there’s something in the way he holds himself, how he squares his shoulders when he walks to the door that makes the Ensign think that he’s lying after all. But he’s probably just imagining it because he wants there to be a lie somewhere.

 

“Leonard…” He calls out but the doctor doesn’t turn around again. He just stands in the door for a few seconds, then he steps into the hallway and the door shuts behind him. Pavel is alone. He’s alone in more than once sense and he has never imagined that it would be so painful. But he feels like he’s missing a part of himself now and he’s sure there is no way to get it back again. “I vill always remember you!” He yells at the closed door even though he knows that the other is long gone by now. And then, just out of spite he adds: “I vill newer get ower you and forget you!”

Another few minutes he just stares at the door with his burning eyes, then he collapses on the bed.

With a strangled sob he buries his face in the pillow. He should’ve known better. He should’ve known better than to have hope. Maybe he should’ve known better than to fall in love with Leonard in the first place. He hates himself for being so pathetic, for being different for everything that he has done wrong. Right now Pavel despises himself more than he does the unfair world around him and it’s the fact that even his thoughts sound like the immature teenage boy Leonard has called him earlier makes him even angrier.

 

Something clicks into place in his head – at least he’s pretty sure that’s how one would describe the feeling – and with a sudden determination, he sits up. Wiping his sleeve over his face to get rid of the damn tears, he reaches for the PADD on his night table and calls up a file in the ship’s databank. He doesn’t even hesitate before he starts typing out a formal letter to the Admiralty of Starfleet and his finger hovers over the touchscreen only for a second longer before he hits ‘send’.

 

When Hikaru returns, Pavel is still sitting there like that: He’s staring blankly at the now darkened screen of the PADD in his hand, his mind somewhere else until the pilot gently taps his shoulder. Looking up the navigator finds himself once again subjected to Hikaru’s sympathy but his best friend seems in no way surprised that his face is wet with tears and Leonard is nowhere in sight. Maybe he knew how this would end and he didn’t have stupid hopes like his young Russian friend had. When the pilot offers him a hug, he lets himself sink against him and leaves it to the older man’s gentle hands to try and get rid of the tension in his back.

 

“You should eat something.” He finally says after a while of just holding him but Pavel just wordlessly shakes his head. He’s pretty sure everything that he tries to eat now, he’ll only throw up moments later and not only because the painkillers have upset his stomach. All he wants right now is to sleep until this whole nightmare is over. At least he’s no longer crying like a baby when his friend hands him his pyjamas and makes sure that he actually gets into bed.

 

He doesn’t say anything though, when the navigator doesn’t stay in bed for very long. After a few minutes of just lying around trying to will his mind to shut down he gets up. Without even putting on his shoes he leaves the room and his worried best friend. Somehow he ends up on the observation deck even though he’s pretty sure he didn’t consciously choose to go there. Pavel doesn’t mind though. He finds himself in his own secluded corner again and sits down, staring outside at the beauty of space that he will probably never see again in his life. At least not like this. Wrapping his arms around his knees he tries to push aside the images of Leonard and him playing chess up here, of them kissing and cuddling and the wonderful feeling of warmth that has left him now so completely. When it doesn’t work out he just keeps staring at the stars outside and starts naming every constellation he knows. There’s a lot of them. And he remembers that this used to be his mantra every time he felt scared when he was younger. His first star chart has been a gift from his mother only months before the accident that took her away forever and he can almost hear her voice reading the names of the stars and planets out to him.

 

Like this he keeps sitting there, hugging himself to battle the cold of space that seems to seep through the hull of the ship and right into his chest until the lights change and the next shift begins. When he returns to his quarters he feels oddly numb. He throws a last glance at the sleeping form of the best friend he could always count on ever since they met at the academy. Then he slowly starts taking down the star charts he has pinned to the walls and stuff the few clothes that are not Starfleet uniforms into the duffel bag he arrived on the ship with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, Merry Christmas everyone?


	8. Chapter 8

 

“I’m sorry, kid.” _I can’t do this to you. It’s better this way._ This did not go according to plan. None of this went according to plan… He’s still standing in front of the Ensign’s quarters, when he hears the boy’s voice from inside. His words make him want to turn around, want to storm into his room and tae everything back he’s just said. But he doesn’t. The doctor ducks his head and clenches his feet, staring at the ground to his feet. He resists the urge to apologise and ask the kid to forget about it and once his legs obey his commands again, he returns to his own quarters. Leonard doesn’t want to go to bed because he knows the sheets will still smell like the Russian and he won’t be able to sleep anyway. So he goes for his liquor again, this time reaching for the bottle with the Romulan Ale that he has saved for a special occasion. What a special occasion this is indeed.

The alcohol is good. It’s strong and it slows down his thoughts. It makes his head light and stops the hurt from eating away at his heart, if only for a little while. He wishes he was sure that he made the right decision back in Pavel’s quarters. But he’s not. The rational part of his mind tries to assure him that he did the right thing by lying to the kid. Of course he was right. It could never work out between them, not like this. Pavel deserves better than him; he deserves someone who isn’t almost twice his age, someone who isn’t as broken as he is. But this doesn’t stop his heart from aching and his eyes from burning. When he tells himself that he just can’t see the two of them together forever, it’s a lie. He blames it on the rash nature of the decision. Maybe if they had been together, or really dating for a few months or a year, maybe then he could’ve agreed to bonding with the navigator but not now. They may know each other for over a year but they’ve only just admitted their feeling for each other and everything.

He sighs and shakes his head, tossing down the rest of the liquid in his glass, before he runs a hand through his hair. Who is he kidding? He’s pretty sure he’s just afraid. He’s probably more afraid than Pavel at this point because he’s been hurt once, badly hurt and he was that he was about to make the same mistake again. After he got out of his divorce, he promised himself to never go down that road again, no matter how much he thought he loved someone. And by god, he won’t be responsible for the kid’s death if it doesn’t work out. He can’t be trusted with anyone’s heart or even life. Not in that way at least.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” The doctor mutters to himself, eying the Ale for another moment, before he decides against a refill.

His bed really still smells like him. It also smells somewhat like sex and he’s not quite sure which is worse. With a groan, he kicks off his boot and wriggles out of his blue over shirt. Leonard doesn’t really get to think about it. The fog of the alcohol his heavy around his mind and with his head buried in the pillow he falls asleep before he can even take of the rest of his clothes. If he dreams this night then he doesn’t remember any of it the next morning.

When he gets to sickbay the next day, he’s tempted to not take anything against his hangover because he feels like he probably deserves the horrible headache he has. It’s not that he really cares whether or not it is against regulation since the possession and the consumption of alcohol on a Starfleet vessel are against regulation too. But he was the ship’s CMO and he couldn’t risk being in any way influenced when he has to perform surgery or anything. Grudgingly he takes the ‘good morning hypo’ as Jim used to call it during their Academy days and waits in his office until it takes effect.

There is something really unsettling about the lack of patients. Most of the scientists have been transferred to temporary quarters elsewhere until they reach the next deep space station from where they will either be shipped back to their respective hoe worlds or their next assignments. The only ones left are a few who are still under observation but their conditions are far from critical. All Leonard has to do is check their readings every now and then. It doesn’t help with the conflicting emotions and desires in his head though. He tries to busy himself with catching up on reports or medical journals but there’s nothing that works for distracting him for more than a few minutes. The doctor is about to order someone to get him coffee _ASAP_ when the whistling sound of a ship wide transmission interrupts him.

“We will be meeting with the Federation vessel USS Columbia in approximately 0200 hours. All personnel from the space station K15 is ordered to transfer to the Columbia. I repeat, all station personnel will be transferred to the USS Columbia in 0200 hours. Thank you for your attention.”

The doctor sighs. He wonders what brought on the change in plans. As far as he was informed, they were supposed to drop off their passengers at the next station themselves and now Starfleet ordered a ship to meet up with him in deep space? And a scout ship on top of that? Maybe an emergency occurred and the Enterprise is needed somewhere else. Or Jim requested it because their dilithium crystals are too unstable to guarantee that they make it to the station within the next day. At least he’d have something to do in helping to transfer the last bed ridden patients to the other ship.

The scout ship Columbia looks small and unimpressive next to the fleet’s flagship but she’s still in a better form than the Enterprise with her blackened hull and the scars from their last battles. IF you ask Mister Scott he will tell you that the Enterprise wears her scars and little flaws with as much pride as a starship can muster. If he is honest, Leonard thinks the Engineer is a bit weird but he trusts him to do his job in keeping the ship from falling apart. And then again, most of the crew members are in their own way a bit weird, it’s probably the downside of having the best officers Starfleet has to offer on board. They’re allowed to be a bit eccentric as long as they do their best work.

The transfer goes surprisingly well, after only half an hour all the scientists have left the Enterprise. Leonard has inspected the scout ship’s medical bay himself and has left detailed instructions for the medical team as to how to treat the remaining patients. He doesn’t see the shifter woman again and he wonders just for a moment what she would say about what has transpired between the Russian and him. But then he reminds himself that it is none of her business and that he definitely doesn’t need a second opinion from someone who knows neither him nor Pavel.

“That should be the last one.” Jim remarks after the last scientist has beamed over to the other vessel and though he still looks tired there is a satisfied smile on his lips. Leonard just nods. He’s not exactly looking forward to getting back to his sickbay now with nothing but reports to do but he obviously has no other choice.

“Captain, Captain Morse says she’ll be sending someone over to escort Ensign Chekov to the Columbia.” The transmission has both Jim and Leonard looking up in surprise. His friend must notice the way the doctor’s expression change because he quickly raises his hands in a gesture of innocence.

“I swear, I didn’t say a word to anyone about Chekov. Spock and I have come to the agreement that we’re going to inform the Admiralty once we’ve considered everything. We were still hoping to find a way to keep him on the ship despite his… breach of regulation.” He shakes his head and the satisfied smile on his features has been replaced by a concerned frown. “I even told everyone else who knows to keep their mouths shut. I honestly have no idea how they can possibly know about this.”

The answer to the unspoken question who told Starfleet about the whole thing with Pavel walks through the door before either of them can say another word. The young Ensign looks utterly defeated. He’s as pale as a ghost with dark shadows under his eyes and he still looks as though he’s been crying a lot. Even his curly hair seems to have lost all his usual enthusiasm, it’s not nearly as bouncy as it usually is. The kid’s face is blank, shows no trace of emotion, as he walks past them to wait next to the transporter platform. He has a duffel bag thrown over his shoulder and he seems to look at everything but Leonard. “Zere is no need to vorry, sers. Eet vas me. I informed Starfleet about vhat I am and zat I haff been cheeting my vay onto ze Enterprise. If you are conserned zat I haff put blame on anozer member of ze crew, you can be reliewed. I haff made sure to mention zat no vone knew about zis eksept Miss Chapel who I bribed into helping me.” He hesitates a little moment, before he looks up at Jim. “I vould be grateful if you vould not tell eweryvone about zis but of course I cannot reqwest anyzeng at zis point.”

He doesn’t want the others to remember him as a liar. Leonard realises and the way in which the Ensign obviously assumes that he will never see any of the others again is enough to make him feel even guiltier than he already is. What freaks him out the most though is how composed and determined he looks. His behaviour isn’t that of a kid or even young adult. He’s accepting the responsibilities of his actions without hesitation and without giving up his pride. In a way he’s being more of a responsible adult than some other senior officers the doctor has met during his career. Despite looking forward to being punished he’s still holding his head high and he’s not trying to talk his way out of the situation or anything. In an earlier time he would’ve made a good little soldier and he would made a good Captain one day if he were allowed to keep pursuing this dream.

Leonard isn’t quite sure if Jim looks angry that the navigator has disregarded his orders or rather impressed by the young Ensign’s courage to stand up to everyone like this. He seems to be unable to find the right words for a few seconds before he squares his shoulders and takes a step forward. The Captain lays a hand on Pavel’s shoulder and looks down at him with what is obviously an expression of regret, maybe even sadness. “It was an honour having you in my crew, Ensign Chekov. You’re a great navigator and helmsman and we’re gonna miss you on the bridge. I wish you the best of luck in your future. And if you ever need something that you know I can help you with, don’t hesitate to ask.” Jim gives him one of his rare, serious smiles before he steps back.

With a glance at the Engineering Ensign at the transporter controls, he says. “Inform the Captain that we are experiencing difficulties with the transporter and that she will have to wait a few minutes before beaming over her security detail.” Then he turns to face the doctor again. “That’s all the time I can give you two to sort out whatever you still have to sort out.” He gestures for the Engineer to get out and before following leans close to Leonard to whisper into his ear: “Don’t screw this up, Bones. Alright?”

The doctor isn’t sure if there even is a way to not screw this up. He’s not even sure if he has anything left to say to the kid because as much as he wants to take everything back there is no way he can. Not now, not like this and not with Pavel leaving. When the navigator finally looks up at him, his expression is downright blank and his voice is as icy as the Russian winter. “I hope for you zat you vill be happy. Oh and zere is a Lieutenant in Engineering who likes you. I am sure she vould not say no to being your new fucktoy if you ask her.”

“Pavel you don’t…” He starts but the Russian doesn’t let him finish, he just tilts his head gives him a smile that could not be colder if he had found it on the ground of a frozen pond.

“No, doktor, I see zat you vere right last night. I vill get ower you. I vill forget all about you and zen I vill get a nice registration number and a collar and vill be sold to some rich arsehole like a common whore and I vill be so wery happy.” His words are oozing sarcasm and Leonard feels like someone has punched him in the face. In fact he’s convinced that an actual punch would’ve hurt less than what Pavel just said. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so harsh. He definitely should have been more honest and careful in his own choice of words. After all he didn’t mind to actually hurt the boy…

 _He_ is _still young. No matter what he says now, he will easily get over you. Remember what Jocelyn used to throw at you during your arguments._ But he can’t remember. He can’t even spare his ex-wife a second thought right now, all that’s on his mind is the young man in front of him. Pavel is obviously waiting for a reply of some sort but when Leonard can’t think of what to say, he just shrugs. The smile falls as easily from his lips, as he summoned it and he turns away.

Neither of them speaks again until Jim and the Engineering Ensign return. When the Captain sees that they obviously didn’t sort anything he shrugs helplessly and spares the doctor a questioning look. He will have to answer all of Jim’s question later he knows and he can think of a hundred things he’d rather do than let his best friend tell him what exactly he did wrong. Or accuse him of screwing up again. If he does, Leonard is going to remind him that he was the one who told him to hook up with the Russian despite his protests. _I told you, Jim. I’m not good with this kind of thing. I’m pretty sure fate doesn’t have a happy ending in store for me._

The familiar sound of the transporter fills the room and a few seconds later two men in security red and black are standing on their platform. Jim greets them with a nod, though it’s obvious that he’s tempted to beam them right back and take off with the navigator still on board. He’s not known to give up on crewmembers – _family members_ that easily.

“Ensign Chekov?” One of them asks and Pavel wordlessly steps onto the platform. He turns around but not to face Leonard. Instead he gives Jim a tiny smile and an honest one this time, not the ice cold grimace he directed at the doctor earlier.

“Zank you for eweryzeng, ser. I am glad I vas able to vork under your command for so long. You are ze best Keptin zis crew could vish for.” He tightens his grip around the string of his duffel bag until his knuckles are shining white under his pale skin. “If you vould pleese tell Hekahru and Nyota zat I am sorry for not saying goodbye? I am not wery good viz farewells, especially if I haff to say goodbye to good friends. And giwe my zank you to Christine. Also on ze planet ve wisited yesterday, I found a sufficient amount of dilizium zat should be accessible if you modify ze transporter. I left ze coordinates in ze nawigational computer and plotted a course zat vill take you zere. I hope eet vill be of some use for you, Keptin.”

Jim nods, returning the smile. “Good luck, Pavel.” Then he nods at the Engineering Ensign. A tilt of Pavel’s head, a grim look from both security officers and only a few split seconds later they are gone.

Leonard finds himself staring at the empty transporter platform until Jim gently pats his shoulder. When he looks up his friend is giving him a look of sympathy. “I’m sorry, Bones. You should come by my quarters later, I still have some of that stuff we got from the Andorian ambassador.” _And you can tell me what exactly went wrong there._ It remains unspoken but he knows it’s what his friend wants to say. Not that he’ doesn’t appreciate it but he’s not sure Jim’s advice is what he needs right now. The alcohol is a tempting offer though. So much for falling back into old habits. After his divorce from Jocelyn he used to drink a lot and it was Jim who somehow saved him from that dark pit of alcoholism and self-pity.

“Thanks Jim.” He just mutters with a little nod before he leaves the transporter room. He doesn’t head back to sickbay, instead he makes his way to his quarters. His shift is almost over anyway and Jim will most likely inform M’Benga to come in a few minutes earlier. There’s nothing left to do for him there. He wouldn’t be able to focus on any of his tasks.

When he punches his code into the panel next to his door and enters his room it feels like something is off. Leoanard can’t quite place it. The lights are off, everything is exactly as he left it but still there is something wrong about all of this. He turns on the light and walks further into the room, scanning it for any signs that someone has been here. He doesn’t find anything until his gaze falls onto a small wooden box that someone has placed in the middle of his bed. With a frown, he approaches it and he’s about to reach out for it when he recognises the box. He’s seen it before in the hands of a certain Russian whiz-kid.

The doctor hesitates, then he sits down on the edge of the bed and carefully picks up the box. It’s heavier than he expected, probably because it’s made out of real wood and not some replicated material that is made to look like wood. For some reason his always calm fingers are shaking, when he opens it.

It’s the chess set. Two rows of black and white chess pieces and the board, everything put neatly into place. Looking at it more closely, he realises how old it looks even though it has obviously been well cared for. The wood has lost some of its colour in places and there are tiny scratches on the board. Without noticing he picks up one of the knights, running his fingertips over the smooth and oddly warm surface of the white piece. He’s about to put it back into place when he sees something else. There’s an inscription on the bottom of the box. ‘ _To Anna Vasilia Chekov. With love from, Andrej Dimitrievich Chekov._ ’ Golden letters engraved in the dark of the wooden box. It was a present from Pavel’s father to his mother. Maybe a wedding or a birthday present. It was something the boy probably held onto ever since his mother died when he was still a child. And from the way he treated it one could see how much he loved and cherished it. And now he left it to him. Why?

When he turns the box in his fingers he sees that there is another inscription. Underneath the golden letters in a neat handwriting and barely visible in the artificial light of his quarters: ‘ _Dear Lyonya, I want you to keep this so you will not forget about me and that I love you, no matter what happens. Pavel_ ’

The words feel like someone is stabbing his heart with needles. Wordlessly he stares at the letters until they begin to swim before his eyes and with every second it seems to get harder or him to breathe. What is this feeling? He feels like he wants to clutch the box to his chest and curl up around it as if he can bring Pavel back this way. Instead he runs his trembling fingertips over the words that make him feel like someone just threw him into the merciless waves of an endless ocean. He learnt to swim as a child. But the waves are too strong for him. No matter how hard he tries they drag him under as though they mean to drown him. He always thought the sea was the only thing he feared more than he did space. But now he wonders if there’s not something he fears even more than that.

“Pavel.” He whispers as he gently puts first the board and then the pieces back into place. The kid really loves him. He doesn’t know why he even doubted him in the first place. Because not even he was blind enough to not notice that there was something more, he was just too scared to take the risk. _For the boy’s own good._ Leonard reminds himself but it sounds pathetic even in his mind.

 _‘Come on admit that you like him.’_ He hears Jim’s voice in his head. Jim who always pretended to know his heart better than the doctor does. And of course his friend is right as he so often is with things like this. He doesn’t like the navigator but he’s fallen head over heel for him without ever truly noticing it. He doesn’t know how but it happened without his consent. And he would’ve done everything he could to make him happy. Why wasn’t that enough? If Pavel really gets shipped off and forced to mate with someone the government picks for him wouldn’t he be better off with Leonard? _Yes. Yes he would but now it’s too late._ The Columbia is on her way back to earth and the Enterprise is heading in the opposite direction into the depth of space.

Pavel is gone. He is gone for good. Leonard has let him leave and now he has to live with the knowledge that he can’t get him back. He’s too late.

He takes a shower, dresses in his pyjamas and sit down at his table. He pours himself a glass of Ale before he reaches for the chess set again. Slowly he starts setting it up so that the black pieces are on his side and the white ones are facing the empty chair across from him. Leonard leaves it like this, thoughtfully staring at the pieces while he empties the bottle of Ale and lets his mind wander back to the games he played with the young Ensign.

 _‘You vere not zat bad. You almost defeeted me ze last time.’_ Before he goes to bed, he reaches out and knocks over the white king. After all there is no way he can win this game, he might just as well give up in defeat now.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Pavel arrives on Earth and it is just as horrible as he imagined... not that he really cares anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I would call this a happy new year's gift to all of you but I admit it's probably not the happiest of chapters... 
> 
> Anyway, I wish all of you a happy new year! May 2015 be a great year for you!

 

 

After the Columbia’s First Officer personally greets him in the shuttle bay and informs him that once again he’s confined to his quarters, no one talks to him anymore. The security officers won’t even meet his eyes and Pavel wonders if they just don’t like his kind or if they are afraid of him. But the thought only crosses his mind for a second and he doesn’t care enough to try and find out. The guest quarters he’s been assigned to, aren’t as spacy and luxurious as the Enterprises’ are but they’re still bigger than the rooms he had to share with Hikaru for the last year and a half. He has his own replicator this time so he won’t have to bother anyone for food or leave his confinement to go to the mess hall. The Russian can’t say that he expected anything else.

He’s always gotten weird looks from other crew members on the Enterprise too, they always called him the ship’s baby and some even used to spread rumours about how he managed to get a position on the bridge of the fleet’s flagship at his age. But after all he was still a part of the crew. And at the end of the first year almost everyone on board accepted and even respected him. Here, he’s nothing but a criminal who misused Kirk’s and everyone else’s trust in acting against regulation and cheating his way into Starfleet. The thought alone makes him sick but there’s not much he can do. After all it’s true.

The navigator looks about the room and even though it’s supposed to be similar to the other ships he finds nothing that makes it feel like home. Even the humming of the warp core sounds different here and the longing to be back where he thought he belongs makes his heart ache. He tries not to think about everything that he will miss, everything that he misses already. He tries not to think about anything period because he knows his thoughts will only return to the people he loves and the man he’s fallen in love with before he even knew it. Or to the future that is lying ahead of him now like a looming darkness just waiting to engulf and smother him. A Damocles sword they call it.

Leaving his bag on the chair he throws himself onto the bed. Maybe if he just sleeps as much as possible for the rest of the journey to earth he will be able to not think for a while. But sleep doesn’t come as easy to him as remembering does. Staring at the wall he tries to imagine the sound of the Enterprise, the machines and the voices that always lulled him to sleep. But it seems as though he can’t even remember them now. The strange and wrong sounds of the scout ship are all there is around him. Even the universe outside seems to have changed. He knows it’s still the same but the stars seem colder now, farther away and their light does no longer comfort him like it used to. He’s cold too but it has nothing to do with the environmental settings. So he shifts into his other form and curls up under the covers, burying his snout in his warm fur.

Pavel isn’t sure how he survived the week that it took them to get back to their own solar system, later. He spent most of the time in his animal form now no longer restrained by the fear to be discovered and finding it easier to escape his own thoughts for short periods of time. He didn’t exchange many words with anyone. The ship’s doctor stopped by a few times but she never stayed for very long and only asked him about trivial things. Like if he was feeling okay or if he did in any way feel the reminder of the wound on his shoulder. The Russian only shook her head at the question and once she was satisfied that the skin had indeed healed completely, she left again. The time seemed to pass more slowly this way, not able to talk to anyone or work on any of his projects. He had left them all with Mister Scott and Commander Spock. All of his tiny experiment and formulas. But worst of all was that he couldn’t stop trying to find out how he could’ve avoided the whole disaster. His mind came up with dozens of scenarios but in none of them Leonard stayed by his side in the end. When he tried to remember, to dream of the many calm and beautiful moments they had shared, he always failed. His memory was like a broken record, all it showed him was the doctor’s back walking out on him and leaving him alone. All he could hear him say were the very words that he said to him that night.

When he steps out of the shuttle and into the grey, rainy afternoon hanging heavy over San Francisco, he feels, not for the first time in the last week, fear take hold of his heart. It has an ice cold grip on his insides and his gaze darts around the place looking for a way to escape. He’s tense all the way through the port and to the black hover car waiting for them. But there is no sense in fleeing, they would catch him sooner or later. And he has sworn himself to get through this, to not give up and commit to the weakness that is hesitation. So instead of giving in to his desire to leave all of this behind and run, he hold his head up high and straightens his back. It is his last day as a Starfleet officer, there is no reason not to act like one until the very end, no matter if he will get an honourable or a dishonourable discharge.

The hearing is short. Some of his professors and teachers from his time at the Academy are present and he feels like most of them are looking down on him with disappointment, some even with disgust. They all told him he was talented and bright and a genius back then. Now no one speaks in his favour anymore. He is told to give a formal statement and he is honest unless it is concerning Christine’s or Hikaru’s involvement. There is no way he will give up on his friends after they have not only risked their careers with helping him. In the end the sentence is inevitable. He is being stripped of his rank as an Ensign and discharged from Starfleet. Nothing more and nothing less than he expected. And yet he feels like he’s leaving some part of him behind the moment he leaves the room and heads back to the car. Now he is truly alone. Starfleet was the last affiliation he had, the crew of the Enterprise the only thing resembling a family that he had. Now both has been taken away from him. He’s nothing but a lonely stray.

The same officer that fetched him from the port drives him to the registration office and the sight alone makes his stomach clench in ways that make him feel thankful for not having breakfast earlier. The tall, white building doesn’t look menacing in any way but still he feels like the large windows are dark eyes glaring down at him and the huge doors are like a hungry mouth waiting to devour him. He swallows thickly and gets out of the car. The rain is pouring down on them now and without an umbrella he is soaked before he can step through the wide glass doors.

Everything here smells strange. He can pick up other shifters, so many of them that his head is spinning and yet no one who smells like him. The woman at the reception desk radiates calm and friendliness but Pavel has heard so much about these people and everyone who is affiliated with them that he can’t trust her. His lips are pressed into a thin line and all colour is drained from his face. Yet he does not give in to the urge to run or cry. He even manages to keep his hands from shaking when he writes down his name for her.

“There is absolutely nothing to worry about.” She chirps and doesn’t even stop smiling when he stares at her with his best sceptical look. If there was nothing to worry about his mother would’ve taken him to the registration office when he was a kid and hadn’t told him horror stories about it. He glances back at the security officer but he doesn’t give him a second look before disappearing back through the doors and into the rain. For a moment the temptation to just follow him outside and run away for good is strong enough to have him take a few steps towards the door but then the voice of the receptionist reaches his ears. “If you would follow me please, Mister Chekov.”

And despite what his instincts and every last part of his sanity that is left are telling him, he follows her. Down a long corridor it goes. The walls are laced with pictures, photographs of shifters and humans alike. He tries to see if the shifters look happy but they’re walking too fast. At the end of the hallway, she usher him into an examination room and tells him to wait for his doctor before she closes the door behind him. There are bars in the window. The feeling of being in a cage makes him anxious. Carefully he slips into one of the chairs, following the urge to make himself as small as possible and drawing his knees to his chest.

He probably looks as miserable as he feels because when the doctor enters, he sees a look of sympathy on his face. The man reaches out a hand and Pavel stares at it for a moment though doesn’t move to take it. There is no point in resisting but that doesn’t mean that he has to shake the hand of the man who will sign him up as a slave. The doctor only shrugs and sits down at his desk, calling up a few documents on his screen.

“Pavel Andrejevich Chekov?” He asks and Pavel nods quietly.

“You were born 2241 in Taganrog? And your father or your mother was a shifter?”

“My mozer.” The Russian replies curtly, not willing to go into detail about this. She was a wonderful mother and he wishes she was here with him now. With her he would have the strength to get through all of this without losing part of himself.

“Anna Vasilia Chekov. Huh. She was never registered.” It’s not a question, so he doesn’t have to answer. “You don’t have to worry about anything. We’re just going to do a few tests now and take down your results. You’ve never before had a complete examination so it’s very important we check you for anything… abnormal. You will have to tell me what race you are and when you first changed form.”

“I do not remember vhen I first changed but my mama said I vas only a few monz old. Maybe four.” At the raised eyebrow, he slowly added. “Amur Leopard. Descending from an old bloodline natiwe to souzern Russia and norzern China. Anyzeng else you need to know?” It is obvious that he doesn’t want to answer any more questions and he can’t really tell what the doctor is thinking. The man is looking at him with an odd expression of wonder and surprise, either due to his rude behaviour or to what he just said. If he is honest, Pavel is sure he doesn’t actually want to know which one it is.

With a glance at his screen the blond man just shrugs. “Just wondering why you were never registered. Or your mother for that matter.”

The ex-navigator isn’t quite sure if he is supposed to answer the question honestly but then again, what does this doctor about how he feels about all of this? “Because zey told us stories. Of how shifters viz rare races are locked up and zen giwen to people for mates zat zey do not ewen know.” If his expression is as hostile as he wants it to be, it has no effect on the man in front of him. He just smiles and tells him the same lie he’s heard before: _That it is not true. That he will be put in a dormitory for his own protection because there are many bad people out there who would kill to get a piece of a rare, not to mention slave traders or fur hunters or breeders. That they will find a suitable mate for him who will be able to provide love and protection and that he will absolutely have a say in the matter after all. Of course there will only be chosen candidates but that is once again for his own protection._ Just listening to these honey sweet lies makes him feel sick in his stomach already and he just wants all of this to be over so he can go to sleep and lose himself in his melancholic thoughts.

The doctor does the usual tests with him, measuring his height, weight, body temperature. He tells him to undress and then examines his body. He asks him how his experiences with his heats have been so far, if the suppressants – the mentioning of those alone make the man frown in disgust – have had any negative influence on him in any way and if he is having any kind of unusual pain during the process of changing forms. He has to answer so many questions about things he has never talked to anyone about, except Christine on rare occasions. It makes him feel even more vulnerable than having this stranger examine him.

“If you would please shift. I will have to take pictures for your ID and measure you as well.” The doctor –his name is doctor Hailstrom, he dropped sometime during the last twenty minutes – finally tells him. On one hand it’s a relief because he knows that he will feel less anxious in his other form. The long claws and teeth and the strength give him at least some confidence but he has never shifted in front of anyone that wasn’t part of his family before. It feels like he is letting this unpleasant man in on something that is supposed to be completely and utterly private. With a last glance at the man he closes his eyes and then shifts. The transformation is as easy as it always is and over within a second. With his changed eyes the man looks different, weaker and less intimidating. The cat is suddenly reminded of that time when he fought for his life, when he buried his teeth and claws in living flesh and tasted fresh blood. How easy it would be to rip this one apart.

When Hailstrom approaches him, he just ducks his head, though his ears and tail are twitching, obvious signs of his nervousness. The doctor seems to be more occupied with staring though. His expression is now obviously one of awe. “I have seen Leopards before but your fur really looks different.” Pavel wants to snap at him that of course his coat is different, otherwise he’d just be a normal Leopard. Instead he just tilts his head and concentrates on not baring his fangs. When the doctor touches him he flinches away, only standing still when the man orders him to so he can take his measurements and his picture.

The cat grows more nervous with every passing minute and he is grateful, when he is told to turn back and put on his clothes once again. His human skin feels thin and weak but he ignores it as best as he can.

“That was everything. If you will go back to the lobby, you will be handed your ID in a moment. Someone will take you to your dormitory where you will live until we have found a suitable mate for you. Don’t worry, I am sure you will fit right in. Most of the others at the dormitory are rares too.” His smile is so wide and, in Pavel’s eyes, so false that it is a wonder his teeth aren’t falling out. The Russian only tilts his head and hurries to leave the room. Outside he slows his steps. There is no need to hurry, all he is looking forward to now, is to be locked away somewhere. The lobby is deserted and with a quick glance at the desk and the various cameras in the room, he approaches the large door and steps outside.

He’s not planning to run, he just wants to feel the cool air and the rain on his skin. Over the time on the Enterprise he has almost forgotten how the city smells in the rain and the clean, fresh scent is somehow more calming than any words the doctor tried on him. The rain is drenching him, it makes his clothes stick to his skin but he doesn’t care. He just wants to enjoy this for a little moment like the last illusion of freedom he is allowed now before he is officially branded a registered shifter. The voice of the receptionist is once again what tears him from his thoughts. She’s standing at the door and waving at him, still with her cheerful sile. Do they ever stop smiling here? Don’t they know that shifters can sense more than what façade a human tries to put up?

Slowly he follows her inside again. The woman hands him his new ID card, complete with his human and his shifter data and pictures of both saved in the data strip without doubt. Pavel turns it in his hands for a moment. He wonders how the picture of the cat looks like. He’s never really seen himself in this form apart from a few glances in the mirror of course when he was younger but his father always told him to stay in his human form if he wanted to be worth something. All he knows is that is eyes turn very, very green when he shifts compared to his human eyes at least that are some kind of grey or maybe blue with only a bit of green in them.

The Russian slips it into his pocket and waits for the person who’s supposed to drive him to the dormitory. She shows up only a few minutes later. It’s a young woman with dark hairs and a visor that indicates that she is blind either from an accident or born so. It doesn’t really take him aback, he’s met quite a few blind people before she just feels a bit strange. Without wasting any more thoughts on why his instincts label the woman as strange he follows her out of the building and to another car, a white one this time. He climbs into the passenger seat and clutches his duffle bag to his chest. The few books that he has been able to take with him are the only things he still has left. He has thrown away the star charts after a few days on the Columbia. After all he will no longer be able to navigate the stars, maybe he won’t even get the chance to see the stars again like that so what use is there for his charts?

For a moment he wonders if Leonard has found the present he has left for him. Of course he has, it was in the middle of his bed, and he can’t possibly have overlooked it. What did he think? Did he think it was a stupid gesture and throw it away? The thought alone makes him hurt. Biting his bottom lip he convinces himself that he has kept it. The doctor would know better than to throw it away, even if it has no sentimental worth for him it is still an antique. And a good set to play with. He said so himself while they were playing on the observation deck.

He remembers how hard it was for him to part with it. It was the only thing he has left from his mother and the person his father had been before she died. But somehow he felt like if there was one person who deserved to have it more than him it was Leonard. He had worried about the message too but in the end he had just written the first words that appeared in his mind. Remember me. I love you. Because if nothing else he wanted for the other man to remember him. And he has long accepted that he’s in love with him. Worse: He loves him. He’s fallen for him months ago but never been confident enough to take action until that fateful day on the holodeck. And if he thought it but a crush before he realised it was so much more the moment he was weeping because he couldn’t imagine a life without Leonard wanting him too. It sounds so dramatic in his head and he wishes he could laugh about it, about how ridiculous his own thoughts sound. But there is no more laughter to find in his chest. He has left it on the Enterprise together with his heart.

The woman in the driver’s seat doesn’t talk at all during their drive and Pavel is too lost in his thoughts to care about it. He prefers it this way because he has nothing to say to her anyway. He tightens his grip around his bag and tries to focus on the books inside. He knows them all by heart. His photographic memory has always allowed him to remember entire novels and textbooks without having to read the twice but these books are the few he has kept to read them again and again. War and Peace is one of them and a collection of famous Russian poetry. He remembers how surprised he was when he saw the exact same book in Leonard’s office one day. They talked about it for a while, it was the first time they actually exchanged more than a few words about mundane or medical things. Pavel closes his eyes and tries to figure out why even the happy memories like that hurt him now. He should be able to value them, right? He should cherish them and keep them like little treasures that he has left from his previous life and the love of this life. Maybe one day he will learn to do it and then he will be able to look back at all of this with a fond smile and warm feeling in his chest. Now he only feels cold.

It’s still raining when they stop in front of a small building. It’s on the outskirts of town and even though it’s a modern and definitely expensive building it looks dark and scary to him. There is no fence around it but he wouldn’t be surprised if there were other means to keep them from escaping this prison. “Welcome to your new home.” The woman just says, when he exits the car and once he’s wordlessly closed the door, she drives off without looking back over her shoulder.

 _Welcome to my new home indeed. I am sure I will love it here…_ He thinks, when he is lead into the building and to the small room that will be his from now on. The walls are white, the bed is white, everything is white. There are no bars in the window but it still looks and feels like a prison. Without another word, he sits down and looks out of the window. There is a tall tree outside and autumn has coloured its many leaves. They are not yet falling but they soon will, he knows. In the dark of the evening and the grey of the rain it looks like an omen of death to him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sliver of hope

 

It’s weird how things can seem so wrong when something so little is off. If you change the gravitational settings just slightly people can go insane because they will feel either too light or too heavy and each step will be more careful than the other. If you play with the environmental settings you can have them sweat or freeze to death with just a few degrees down or up. One of these changes has happened now. In the great scheme the absence of one senior officer doesn’t usually leave a ship too impaired. And still it feels like something elementary is missing. There is not a single member of the crew who doesn’t notice it somehow. Even if they have never met the person in question, they sense that something is awry in the demeanour of their friends and co-workers. That Pavel Chekov is missing is something else entirely. There are few who don’t know him and even fewer who didn’t like him. Of course some have been sceptic about his age, youthful spirit and appearance but he has convinced all of them with his skills and charm. The first few days after his departure are the worst. There is less laughter in the corridors. Muffled questions are asked as to what happened, why someone would come and take one of their own away but no one has any satisfactory answers. The few details that are known to the crew get worked into the most fantastic and tragic stories but no one dares to speak ill of the navigator.

The worst place to be in these days and even weeks is the bridge. It’s not that Ensign Riley, the man who was chosen by Commander Spock to replace Pavel, is a bad officer or in any way incompetent. Spock hadn’t chosen him if he was. But he can’t measure up to the quirky Russian. Whenever something happens the others end up looking over to the helm waiting for some kind of genius idea explained in broken English. Pavel always had the habit of rumbling when he came up with something, sometimes even switching to Russian if he got excited but they always had Uhura to translate. Riley is bright but not as bright as Pavel and he’s American. They can’t make friendly little jokes about his accent because he’s from Dallas. Sometimes they even miss the comments about how everything was invented somewhere in Russia or other faulty history knowledge that the young whiz-kid used to talk about with a grin on his lips. No one ever knew if he truly believed in what he say or if he did it to fuck with everyone and make use of their clichés.

For the first time since he took the job, Sulu has to correct his navigator at times when Riley makes mistakes that his predecessor wouldn’t have made in a drunken state. Where there has been laughter and amble chit chat before, the bridge is quieter now. Everyone is tense and even the Captain’s smile looks oddly forced and detached at times when once again they have been expected to hear the familiar Russian accent lift the curse of silence only to be disappointed. There is no doubt all of them are blaming Jim for the lack of their young companion. The only ones who don’t believe that it’s his fault are probably the ones who know the truth. They know that it was ultimately Leonard’s.

The doctor feels as though there is an emptiness eating away at his heart now. He’s good at avoiding his thoughts most of the time, good at running away from his problems but they always catch up with him sooner or later. The alcohol helps with that problem but he can’t be drunk constantly and he’s afraid to go back to the state he was in after Jocelyn left him. A promise he has made years ago, to never drown in his own misery again like that and he will be damned if he doesn’t keep it, so much he is sure of. He’s not really sure of many other things though. He finds himself on the observation deck more often these days and though it still scares the hell out of him, the wide screen seems to be the only view to comfort him even the slightest bit.

Sulu is blaming him. Leonard is as sure of that as he is of the fact that Gorn are born with a full set of teeth that are sharp enough to pierce human skin. It is obvious in the way the pilot keeps looking at him. In the way he’s avoiding the doctor at all costs and in the way he hasn’t said a single word to him over the course of those past weeks. It is understandable though. The two men were best friends before Pavel left the ship and they have been for quite a while. They arrived on the Enterprise together, were sharing their quarters all this time and have been working together. They were so close that most people assumed they were a couple at first but when asked they both confirmed that they were but best friends. Sulu was close enough to know everything about the Russian and in a different life Leonard would probably feel a hint of jealousy at that thought. But he doesn’t have the right to be jealous anymore. If he was ever worth Pavel’s trust he surely isn’t any more after he’s given up on him so completely.

The bridge crew seems to be growing closer together these days despite Jim’s previous efforts not to create the impression that he’s favouring some members of his alpha crew. The whole lot of them sit together in the mess or are found in a group in the rec rooms if neither of them is busy: Jim, Sulu, Scotty, even Nyota and Spock join them more often than not. They asked him to join a few times too but somehow Leonard feels like he’s intruding. Jim of course reassured him that he doesn’t but the younger man is still mad at him so he doesn’t try very hard. Of course he’s still his friend like he’ll always be and Jim is definitely not blaming him for Pavel’s departure – at least not unreasonably so, he knows that it was never ‘Bones’’ intent to drive the boy away – but he tends to get upset with Leonard when he screws things up for himself. And according to his best and really only friend, he screwed up proper this time. _You know, if I didn’t know better I’d say you don’t want to be happy at all._ He said after he helped him get his drunken arse back to his quarters and into his bed a few nights ago. _But then I realise that it’s probably not even your fault. You don’t know better. I just wish you would’ve given him the chance to prove you wrong. I would’ve appreciated that._

It is surprising enough that Jim doesn’t try to talk to him about everything that happened. The Captain just leaves him alone with his misery for now and the doctor appreciates it greatly. Leonard still isn’t sure what he’s supposed to think. In the beginning he tried to convince himself that all he had in mind was the kid’s best. But then again he’s come to terms with himself in that point, admitting that it probably wasn’t really the best for Pavel. Or at least not necessarily. Sometimes he’s pretty sure he was scared because he didn’t want to get hurt again and he bitterly thinks that this part of the plan has gloriously backfired. He’s fallen so hard for the boy that he’s not sure how he will ever get over him now that he’s lost him. His memory starts glorifying him already and it’s barely possible to stop his mind from putting all the blame on himself. Not that he really tried in the first place. He seems to have skipped the angry stage of the break-up and has gone straight for the wallowing in self-pity and longing. If he ever thought he was lonely before, he doesn’t remember it. Or he doesn’t remember it being this bad at least. Because he’s never complained about not having enough friends, even when he joined Starfleet he hasn’t felt the desire to _make_ any new friends. But right now he feels terrifyingly lonely. The temperature in his room is way too high because his subconscious is trying to convince him that his bed is too cold to sleep in. Which is bullshit because he’s only had someone else sleep in it with him for one single night. Apparently it was enough though, for him to get used to it and to want it back.

Oh, and how he wants it back. How he wants the young man back at his side, how he wishes he could apologise for everything he said and just forget about the whole fallout in its entirety and start anew. The chess board is still sitting on his table, untouched from the first night when he has set it up. The black king is still lying on his side, defeated even before the game has started. The box that contained the board and pieces is on his night table and often has he found himself tracing first the golden, engraved and then the handwritten letters with his fingertips before he went to sleep. His dreams are as uneasy as the time when he’s awake, full of visions of his not quite lover, coupled with the horrors he has seen during the battles against Khan and Nero. Ever returning is the ocean and every time he tries to swim, the waves are pulling him down. The voice in his ears isn’t that of sirens though, in the short moments between sleep and waking he hears the words he’s secretly regretting to have never heard falling from those thin and soft, pink lips he remembers so well.

Pathetic as he is, he goes to ask Nyota how the name Pavel used for him is pronounced. _Lyonya._ It rolls smoothly and gracefully off her tongue and he thanks her and promptly tries to imagine how it would sound if Pavel said it. To his surprise he can’t even imagine it. As much as he clings to his memories he can’t even picture the boy if he tries to come up with a new scenario. All he has are pale, lifeless recordings and for some reason he can’t remember the Russian’s laugh. Leonard still knows that it was bubbly and light but not feminine. Just Pavel and very uniquely him.

The passing days are but a blur. Work takes up most of his mind and he’s grateful that he’s able to keep both his hands and his mind busy at most times because he dreads the moment when he has nothing left to do and is left alone with his thoughts. Jim takes it once again upon him to take care of him, making sure he eats, whenever he forgets about it, and doesn’t drink too much. Last time he did it, he made sure to distract him by getting into trouble constantly and dragging him into it too. Or asking him to help him out of it again. But they’re older now and Jim thankfully can’t get into trouble that easily anymore.

Even though he theoretically knows that it’s supposed to get better with time he doesn’t know how this is supposed to get better. Maybe he’s just too old for this kind of heartbreak, maybe part of him is still holding onto the fantasy that there is a way to make it good again.

 

This day is just like all the others are too. Instead of going to the mess he eats in his quarters – courtesy of being a Lieutenant and thus having his own replicator – and tried to occupy himself until it is time to time to go to bed. With a sigh he trudges over to one of the shelves in his bedroom, gaze wandering over the backs of his few hardcover books. They’re old, all of them. Because in their time not many books are still printed on paper. It’s a luxury and only for the few people who want the nostalgia of heavy books and the very unique and peculiar smell of paper, ink and linen.

The last one he gets to is the book about Russian poetry. Nothing he would read normally but when he first held it in his hands it he found himself drawn to the beauty of the writing and before he knew it he had bought it and carried it home to read it. It was years ago and he doesn’t even remember how he had come across it. All this time it’s been with him but now it seems like it has gained another meaning. Leonard remembers his surprise when Pavel gently picked up the book in his office and then without even opening it started to recite the one poem that the doctor has always called his favourite. It was the first time they really talked about something that wasn’t work or injury related and to his utter surprise Leonard found himself enjoying it. Never before had he met someone who still read this kind of books and therefore it was a rare occasion to be able to voice his opinion on the century old writing.

His lips are twitching in what’s almost the hint of a fond smile as he takes the book off the shelf and sits down on the bed with it. The pages are thin and frail, like they themselves have already seen the whole world and are worn out by the years of memories and experiences. There are only two poems he knows by heart and they’re the ones he reads first, familiar words, sounding oddly comforting in his head. What if Pavel is reading them again too? What if his long fingers are caressing the same pages and his thoughts are not on earth but with the ones he left behind on the Enterprise? With a sigh, he settles back against the pillows and starts reading from the beginning.

By the time he’s turned the last page, his eyelids are heavy and it takes him a lot of effort to get out of bed again to shower and change. Leonard falls asleep the very moment his head touches the pillow this time.

This night his dreams are as confusing as always. Sickbay, Georgia, Vulcan and the Enterprise are the places he visits and he’s surrounded by faceless people every time. Until his thoughts return to Pavel once again but instead of on the observation deck like the last time he finds himself on earth in a place that is familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The tall buildings surrounding him are undoubtedly San Francisco but the street he’s standing in isn’t one he’s been in before. It doesn’t matter though because Pavel is there too. The boy is wearing civil clothing and he looks worn out but at the same time happy. His eyes are shining and his mouth is stretched into a wide smile. “I knew you vould come for me.” A hand gently caresses his face and then there’s another hand in his neck and he’s being pulled into a long, sweet kiss.

“I would do anything for you.” Leonard whispers back but the dream is already fading, the sunny city of San Francisco is drowned by the dark of his quarters when he opens his eyes. It is the truth of his words that rings in his head. It’s how it’s supposed to be. But he discards the thought the moment he gets up, forcing himself to accept that there is nothing he can do anymore. He had his chance and he didn’t take it. Now it is too late and no matter how much he wants it to be different, no matter how much he _needs_ there to be a way to make it all good again, there isn’t.

For some reason it’s even harder for him to get up this time and drag himself to the medical bay. The job is the same as before, treating a few minor injuries, making sure everyone’s shots are up to date before he tends to his reports. So caught up in his routine he doesn’t even notice that his newest patient isn’t wearing the uniform he’s supposed to be wearing. Yes, it’s obviously Starfleet, but it’s not the Enterprise version. Which means it has to be from another ship. Excitement rushes through him for some reason and without his consent. Once he’s finished treating the woman, he orders Christine to take over and hurries to the bridge. His suspicion is confirmed when he runs into Jim in the hallway. The younger man is talking to someone else, someone who’s bearing the same rank embroideries.

“Captain Dhirwan.” The tall, dark haired woman introduces herself and with a quick glance at his uniform adds: “How is my First Officer doing?”

Leonard quickly informs her about the condition of his patient and out of professional curiosity asks how she was able to sustain such injury.

The explanation is long and complicated and has something to do with an inter dimensional rift of some sort and Jim interrupts politely after a while, assuring the Captain of the other ship – the USS Kassandra – that he will tell his CMO the whole story later. When the doctor quirks an eyebrow at his friend, the younger man only looks at him and with a hint of _something_ in his voice says: “They’re headed to earth, Bones.”

It’s as obviously a hint a sit could be and for a moment Leonard feels like someone is holding his heart in an ice cold grip and is slowly crushing it. “Earth?” He chokes out and the woman nods, obviously confused as to why this would be of such importance. “Oh…” The information is useless to him, it is only meant to torture him. With a respectful nod of his head, he wants to turn around and leave but Jim won’t let him. As sweetly as always he asks the other Captain to give them a little moment before he’s taking hold of Leonard’s arm and dragging him a few feet away so he can look into his eyes. The bright blue orbs are shining with determination, like they always do when the man has set his mind to something. If he has, there is no way to sway him anymore; he will pursue it until it happens, end of the story.

“What are you doing, Bones? You were waiting for another chance, right? This is it. Don’t let it go!” It’s as if his friend has read his thoughts. Jim always knows exactly what’s going on in his head and it’s almost scary. “And don’t get me started on how unlikely it is that you will still be able to make it right again. Don’t even try! I won’t let you pull this kicked dog stunt any longer. If you’re not going to try I’ll report you for alcohol abuse on a star ship, I swear.” Jim would never do that. But his words are a clear message. _Make it right. And don’t screw up this time._

Oddly enough – he doesn’t know what is stranger, the fact that this happens the day after he had this weirdly optimistic dream or that he is so worn out already that he doesn’t even find the strength to resist – he just nods and turns around to join Captain Dhirwan again. “I’d like to request a trip to earth aboard your ship. Would that be possible?” The woman only raises her eyebrow and gives a little shrug before she states that there would be no reason to refuse the request as long as he made it a formal one.

Jim’s hand is on his shoulder again and the other man is wordlessly saying to leave it all to him. _Might be time to actually do some paperwork for once._ Jim never does paperwork unless it is strictly necessary, even his captaincy hasn’t changed anything about that. Which is not much of a surprise to anyone who knew him at the Academy. Studying for test never was very high on his list of possible activities. Somehow he always managed to pass anyway. Leonard thinks that Jim’s lucky to have a First Officer like Commander Spock who seems to be able to work magic when it comes to reports and formal letters to Starfleet. But he doesn’t have the time to waste any more thoughts on the matter right now. With a ‘Captain’ and a nod directed at Dhirwan and a grim almost-smile for Jim he turns around and takes off towards his quarter. Once he’s left the turbolift on his deck, he’s practically running. It feels like the first time in weeks that his heart is even beating. And it’s beating rapidly from the excitement.

There’s not much he has to pack, it’s not like he’s leaving the Enterprise forever, he thinks. Chance is that he will find Pavel already has found a mate when he arrives on earth. There isn’t much hope but maybe Jim is right and it’s for once time to let go of his fear of screwing up and getting hurt and taking a leap of faith. Leonard has never been good at that but for the young man who might well be the love of his life – though he would never speak that term out loud – he is willing to take the risk.

The poetry book joins his clothes in his bag and for a little moment he hesitates before he reaches for his off duty clothes as well as the stack that is his uniform shirts. The last thing he puts into his bag is the chess set. Board and all the pieces but one are already in the box when he holds onto the white king for the moment. With a little smile he finally completes the set by letting the white king join the black one in the box and closing it. Maybe it’s time for a rematch after all. Now he just has to hope the black king hasn’t given up on their game yet like he almost did.

With the bag slung over his shoulder he makes his way to the medical bay first, just to make sure that the patient has indeed responded to his treatment. According to Christine’s earlier report she should be up and about by now as most of her wounds were only superficial ones and the toxin she inhaled had done almost no damage to her lungs as well as her other inner organs. As he expected she has already left. Leonard leaves a few instructions for Christine and M’Benga behind before he heads for the shuttle bay.

Jim is there and the doctor can’t tell if he’s looking concerned or encouraging because his expression is still strangely serious. But then he sees the glint in his eyes that tells that something good has happened. “You bring me my navigator back, Bones. Tell him we need him back on the bridge ASAP.”

Leonard only nods and throws a glance at the shuttle he’s supposed to board. They’re better than the transporter but without a pilot he trusts not to kill them the prospect of being forced to fly in this thing makes him sick. Jim follows his gaze and grins. “Sulu offered to fly you over but Dhirwan insisted you take her shuttle.”

This has the doctor raise an eyebrow. “Sulu did?” The man despised him for hurting his best friend, at least that’s what he thought until just now.

“I did indeed.” As if summoned by their words the pilot is approaching them and it’s the first time he’s actually talking to Leonard in about three weeks now.

Not quite sure what to say he just nods and mutters a ‘thanks’ to which the pilot responds with a little nod of his own. Sulu seems a bit awkward, hands clasped behind his back until he finally reaches into his pocket. “Here. I thought you might need this.”

Of all the things he’s expected what the pilot is handing him is definitely not among them. It’s a collar. Dark blue and silver and simple. Leonard looks up with a frown and he’s about to ask whatever this is supposed to mean – it looks a lot like some kind of offer – when the younger man hastily explains. “It’s a shifter thing. A mate usually gifts them a collar as a sign that they wish to bond. It’s kind of like the human wedding ring, some kind of strange old custom. Not everyone does it but just in case you might want to give one to Pavel. I was sure you didn’t know about it and it’s his size, so…” The man’s face heats up visibly and the tips of his ears are pink when he stops talking.

“Thanks…” Is all he can say in return, still a bit sceptic but nevertheless slipping the collar into his pocket. Sometime he will have to ask the pilot why on earth he had a collar that was Pavel’s size in the first place even though he could guess the answer. And if it ever came to it and Pavel really wanted one, he’d have to look for one himself because he can’t just give away someone else’s wedding band. Still he appreciates the gesture. It symbolises that Sulu is okay with the whole thing and the approval of the best friend is as much as he could hope for, right?

Jim is grinning widely, when the doctor finally heads for the shuttle, gripping the strap of his bag tightly. Oh, how he hates flying and space and everything that is related to it that isn’t cute Russian Ensigns with their undying love for everything celestial. The seat is as uncomfortable as he remembers it and he’s shifting for a few minutes before he’s finally found a position that’s as close to comfortable as a shuttle can get before he gives his okay to the Captain. She gives a nod in return and starts up the Engines.

If the last weeks passed by slowly, the following week seems even longer and far more torturous. Unable to really do anything but help out in the Kassandra’s medical bay, he’s left with reading up on shifters and Amur Leopards and Russians and everything he can find on the topics and worrying. And he worries a lot. A thousand possible scenarios. What if Pavel already has a mate? What if he doesn’t and he can’t forgive Leonard? What if he forgives him but still doesn’t want him as his mate? And the worst of all: What if something happened to him? Because there is of course no guarantee that he ever reached San Francisco.

When he finally steps out of the shuttle and sets foot onto the familiar concrete of San Francisco’s shuttle port, he takes a deep breath and pushes everything aside. He has to focus now. There is something he has to do and it’s a ‘now or never’ feeling he has, when he grabs one of the digital city maps and starts on his way.

 _Oh, I would do anything for you._ If only he is lucky this one time he will never ask fate for anything else ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cpt Dhirwan and her first officer are a tiny attempt to fix the reboot's lack of female officers and PoC. They're a lesbian couple and they kick arse. I wanted to give them a second appearance but then I would have written like 30k only about them and I'm afraid this isn't what you're here for OTL


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a close call

 

There is no fence around the dormitory. Not because they have forgotten to build one but because no one ever tries to escape from there. It is as though the place just drains every one of their will to fight, of their will to be free and without the government’s shackles. The white walls are too bright for the shifters’ delicate eyes, the dying trees in the courtyard are too sad to give them any refuge and the silence in the building is almost deafening. Seldom is there laughter or chatter to be heard in the hallway and even the shared kitchens and common rooms. The sound of the TV and sometimes muffled conversation that never lasts for very long are the only things to be heard most of the time. Sometimes men or women in suits will come and talk to one of the shifters, sometimes they come to take them away. It isn’t supposed to be a prison, it is supposed to be a place where they can be safe and happy but that is all a lie. This building doesn’t fit into the twenty third century. It is more like a facility right out of the twentieth century, a place where the ones who are different or gifted are being locked away. They are not prisoners, they are allowed to go out and about the city as long as they always come back in the evening but none of the shifters ever leaves the building. Some have been here for a long time and their heads are filled with horror stories about the outside world and how everyone there only wants do to them harm.

No one talks to the newbie in room number 032. They give him odd looks in the corridors the few times anyone sees him leave his room but that’s all. Rumours has it he was unregistered until now, something that is not only against the law but also pretty much unheard of in their time. Some say all he ever does is sit in his room and stare out of the window because he is sad. One of the younger ones once asked if it was because there is someone he misses but no one really knows because he doesn’t talk to any of them.

Pavel doesn’t even notice that the others are talking behind his back. And even if he knew he probably wouldn’t really care. Not even once does he try to initiate a conversation with anyone outside his dreams and for everyone who knows him it would be a terrifying sight: The young Russian who would never shut up, who always had something to say or explain, who loved to get into lively discussions about practically anything hasn’t spoken a single word in days. But no one he knows is still around. Not even the few people he counted among his friends have tried to contact him. The Captain is probably upset or he is too busy to write him. Nyota always has too much to do and she has enough to deal with without him. But Hikaru… At least Hikaru could write him a few words, right? But maybe the Enterprise is too far away to send any transmissions now. Maybe he has written him already but it just never reached earth. And Leonard, well, he is not sure what to think of him. Of course he is still in love with the man but he doesn’t know what the doctor feels. Obviously not the same he does if he allowed all of this to happen but really, it was Pavel’s fault for lying in the first place.

It’s so hard to let go of everything. If he thought it would get better with time he has been wrong. Time only makes it worse, the gaping hole in his heart. The tree outside his window is losing more and more of its leaves. One after the other they’re slowly falling off the branches and sailing downwards on the wind. Soundlessly they join their sisters on the ground. It is the only thing that Pavel doesn’t get tired of watching. If he’s not sitting on the windowsill, staring outside, he’s reading on his PADD. There is nothing in particular and it has taken him days to even muster up the patience to even start doing something.

The dream to work on a star ship is now unreachable for him but maybe if his mate is kind to him he will still be able to work on something he likes. So he catches up on physical journals, the updates on transporter technology. There are several places where he could teach and he has experience after lecturing students at the Academy for almost a year while the Enterprise was being remade. A remake is what he needs too. If he is to live like this, far away from the people he loves he will have to find something to focus on. Being idle for too long will drive him insane for sure.

His hands find the poetry book again. How often he has read it these days, his fingers softly brushing over the old pages and the familiar dark Cyrillic letters on white paper. There is one poem he still loves the most. Every time he reads it, it seems to embrace him like a warm blanket and warms him up from the inside. Sometimes he can even imagine Leonard’s voice when he reads it and there is nothing more soothing than that. Other than that he has nothing left. The time on the Enterprise is nothing but a memory. Sure, it is one that will surely never fade but he almost wishes he had some kind of a physical reminder. Like a scar he can wear with pride or a mark. But his skin is without blemishes, pale and even the freckles on his shoulders are almost invisible again, fading due to the long time he has spent inside these walls now.

Most of his time he spends in his animal form now because his speckled coat gives him warmth and the cat gives him comfort. It is probably because he has been hiding away for so long that being himself again is a new feeling still. But then again, this isn’t him. The Pavel everyone knows has stayed on the ship together with his family of admirable humans and aliens alike.

It’s strange how someone can always be on his mind no matter in what situation he’s in. Even if he’s not actively thinking about anything or if he’s busy with something else, he’s there. In the background of his conscious, just standing and watching him with his kind, dark eyes and his gentle smile. Now he can see him, not only his back. In his dream he now talks to him, embraces him, kisses him and Pavel thinks it is worse. It makes it even harder to let go. If he ever will be able to let go of the man he fell in love with so quickly and hard, it will be when he stops showing up in his dreams. When the illusion of being in his arms, warm and safe and happy disappears, maybe then he will manage to banish him from his thoughts. But there is no way he will tell him to go. Because he has lost him once why should he willingly drive away that last bit of comfort and warmth he still has? The walls are breathing sadness and paralysis and the worries and nightmares in his head are starting to breed whenever Leonard isn’t there to chase them away. There is no way he can let go of this without losing his mind completely. That is, if he hasn’t already.

With a sigh he leans back against the headboard and closes the lab report he’s been trying to concentrate on. The scientists are getting sloppy and are blind for the most simple of solutions. Pavel has figured out the problem they had with their prototype at least three hours before they did and it unnerves him. Never before in his life has he felt so entirely useless. Maybe if he writes Doctor Hailstorm the man will give him something to do. After all he has told the Russian to contact him any time he needed something, no matter what it was. _I need my old life back._ But it is nothing he can ask for. Though it is the one thing he needs most. _I need to go back and apologise to everyone. To Leonard._ Wondering what he would even say to him if they ever met again, he gets up from his chair to look out of the window again. There are barely leaves left on the tree. Winter is coming quickly and still it’s not really cold outside. San Francisco is a weird place to be in the winter. There is no snow like he knows it from his home in Russia but the people still tend to get friendlier and more relaxed whenever Christmas is nearing. The atmosphere is what he used to like about it even though he never really celebrated Christmas. Apart from that one time at the Academy, where Hikaru decided to just tag him along to his family. It was the most beautiful holiday he’s ever had, surrounded by people who made him feel as if he was part of a family and who tried to feed him with tons of cookies.

The thought hits him out of nowhere. Hikaru’s family. His mother had told him to call whenever he needed someone but he had of course never made use of it because he didn’t want to bother her. His hand immediately reaches for the PADD but he still hesitate. What if she has already forgotten about him? _As if she’d ever forget about you, she adores you._ It’s Hikaru’s voice in his head that makes him search for the contact and tap the button. For a moment he almost prays that she won’t pick up so he has an excuse to not talk to her after all. Shimizu is a very observant woman, she will obviously notice that something is wrong. And she will wonder why he is in San Francisco while her son is still out in space. But then her face appears on the screen and tears him out of his thoughts. The worry that immediately appears on her face is what breaks him. “Pasha? What’s wrong, sweetie?” And there is no excuse for it, not even the fact that he was still barely fifteen when he first met her and she was more of a mother than a friend to him for those two years, but suddenly his eyes are wet and he chokes out a sob.

An hour later he is sitting in Shimizu’s kitchen with a blanket around his shoulders and the biggest mug of hot chocolate that he’s ever seen in his hands while he tells Shimizu absolutely everything. The dark haired woman doesn’t judge him, she doesn’t interrupt him either like some people have the habit to do. All she does is sit next to him, rub his shoulders and listen. Her face is twisted in worry and anger when he finishes his story and Pavel is almost sure that she is about to storm off to the registration office and yell at everyone to leave him the fuck alone. She tells him so too. Somehow it feels good to know that she doesn’t think any less of him after knowing his secret, that she is willing to go out there and fight to help him. Even though there is nothing she can do, the Russian thins that it’s the greatest thing someone in her position could do for him. After another moment of sniffling into his cup, he gives in to the urge to hug her, burying his face in the fabric of her soft sweater.

Hikaru told him once that his mother was willing to adopt him if he would only ask for him. According to his best friend those were the first words she said after Pavel left to return to campus and to their dormitory. Now the thought comforts him. Shizumi tells him that he’s not alone and despite what the pessimistic part of his mind is telling him, he believes her. He soaks in the warmth of her embrace and the blanket and the hot chocolate and just breathes. His breath is still ragged from the crying and his eyes are probably all red and puffy but he couldn’t care less about any of this. People stopped telling their children that boys don’t cry centuries ago, instead they now tell their babies that crying is alright if you feel like it. Because it helps. Though he never really believed in it, he has to admit that right now he feels relieved. For the first time in almost a month he feels like the weight off his chest is getting lighter, at least a tiny bit.

Shizumi tries to talk him into staying for dinner. The rules of the dormitory state that he has to be back before 1000 hours which is still a while ago and really he doesn’t care if he breaks the rules or not at this point. The only reason he’d have to leave so he will get there in time is that he doesn’t want Hikaru’s family to get in trouble for anything because of him. Even Hikaru’s sisters recognise him after almost two years of him not coming to visit because he was in space together with their brother. The youngest is immediately sitting on his lap and when she sees that he’s cried, she reaches out with her tiny hands and pats his face. For a five year old her face is ridiculously serious when she coos and tells him that everything will be good. It makes Pavel smile and gently ruffle her black hair. She stays on his lap while they’re eating and he soaks up the affection and attention every family member is directing at him. For a moment he almost wonders why he was ever scared to call. Being among people who treat him like one of their own is like balm to his bruised and broken heart. Even though they can’t mend it, Hikaru’s family does everything they can to keep it from shattering further.

When he is about to leave, Shimizu kisses his forehead and orders him to call again in the next days so that she doesn’t have to worry about him. The ache he feels in his chest at those words is different from the crushing longing and fear and finally numbness of the last days. Hugging her, he promises it before he hugs both Yume and Kimiko. The young one is still looking at him with her huge brown eyes and the frown on her heart shaped face as though she wants to eat his worries away. She giggles, when he kisses her cheek.

The dormitory isn’t as quiet as he expected it to be when he comes back. There is a commotion on his floor and for a moment he thinks it has something to do with one of the other shifters before he runs into his neighbour. She is a few years younger than him and from what he has heard a **Jaguarundi. The girl glares at him for a moment then icily says: “They’re looking for you.” Then she disappears down the corridor that leads to the common room.**

 **Pavel doesn’t wonder about her unfriendly behaviour, she probably hates this place as much as he does. Slowly he follows the hallway down to his own room where a woman and a man in grey suits are waiting for him. “Mister Chekov?” The woman asks and he just nods. “We’re here to take you back to the office for an interview with your _potential_** new mate.“

All colour drains from his face at her words. The tiny bubble of happiness the visit at Hikaru’s has created in his chest shrinks and disappears, swallowed by a huge wave of fear. _Nononono! Not now. No._ But his face remains blank and despite the black hole in his chest that is threatening to pull him in, he nods. They ask him if he wants to change or if he needs anything else before they go but he just shakes his head. Pushing his hands into the pockets of his coat, the Russian follows them out of the building and into the hover car. His instincts are screaming at him to run away now but he doesn’t let the fear overrule his mind. This is what he’s been waiting for after all. This is what he’s here for. It was truly inevitable he just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. _But then again_ – a sarcastic little voice inside his head whispers – _you’re one of the rarest among the shifters, you probably made for a good price._ The thought makes him clench his teeth.

The same numbness that has slowly started to fill his body in the last weeks returns when he steps into the small office room. There are only three seats, two in front of the large mahogany desk and one behind it, obviously for the registry agent. Closing his eyes, he lets himself sink into that calming and cold space that is filling his head. He breathes in the scent of freshly fallen snow when he opens his eyes again and his features are as cold as his insides. The door opens and the registry agent walks in, followed by a tall man who is everything Pavel hates. His blond hair is slicked back and he is wearing thin glasses over his light blue eyes. The suit he has donned is obviously expensive and very form fitting, so are the watch on his wrist and the golden ring on his right hand. The stranger smells like arrogance and ignorance. In any other situation, the cat would be growling in his head but she is as calm and impassionate as he is right now, so all they do is watch the man ogle him while he sinks into the other chair.

“You must be Mister Chekov. Pavel, can I call you Pavel?” _No._ Pavel nods slowly. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything at this point. If it isn’t this guy there will be another, someone else who might be even worse. So why should he resist what is obviously inevitable?

The registry agent seems pleased by the attempted conversation and he quickly rambles something about how he feels some kind of instant chemistry. If by instant chemistry he means greed on one side and disinterest on the other, then he is probably even right about this. The stranger asks him a lot of questions that he either answers with nods or headshakes or with as few words as possible. His voice isn’t shaking, it’s as calm as it could be but he can’t even find the mind to be happy about it. Right now he just wants all of this to be over. The emptiness in his chest and his mind is eating him up, he’s being pulled further and further into that gaping black hole.

“You’re so pretty, Pavel. I would be really happy if you would be willing to agree with going with me.” It sounds like a prepared speech, like some kind of a routine, or maybe something politics would say to sway their voters. “I promise I will take good care of you, if you trust me. You will of course have every freedom you want and you will never have to work again. I was told you did really dangerous work with Starfleet. It is disgusting what they dragged you into there. Someone as beautiful as you should be cherished and not thrown into danger.” _In other words, all you have to do is be pretty and say nothing and pretend to be stupid. All he wants is a doll or something, or a trophy mate._

The Russian only shrugs, his gaze dropping from the man’s face to his shoes. They’re worn out, the only pair of sneakers he owned and the laces are dark with mud. All he can hope for is that he won’t end up like that, worn out and tired of everything and still used by someone he only loves because his hormones are forcing him to. His mother never told him about the bond between her and his father but he knows that for purely biological sake it will make the life with this stranger easier. Evolution obviously spent some thought on all that. Maybe that is why all those shifters who were forced to bond with someone they didn’t fall for first, never complain. Because their biology makes them obedient and tame and follow the orders of people they never respected otherwise. It is disgusting. His kind is disgusting and weak, just like him.

There are fingers on his arm, long, skinny fingers trailing over his shoulder and pale blue eyes staring into his own when he looks up. The man is too close, hovering right over his face as though he’s trying to take in every detail of Pavel’s face. “I thought your eyes were blue.” The man breathes at the sight of the glowing green flooding the shifter’s irises. “It’s amazing. Truly amazing.” His fingers are on the younger man’s face now, stroking the soft skin of his cheeks, before he backs off a bit.

Pavel tries not to breathe until the man has stopped touching him. To his surprise the cat stays still, there is no roaring in his head, no blood rushing in his ears, no desire to rip this horrible man to shreds because he dared to enter his personal space. The Russian blinks a few time. The reflection in the window confirms that his eyes are back to their usual grey-blue. “The cat has green eyes.” It’s the only explanation he gives but the older man seems satisfied by that.

“So, you will be my mate?” The stranger asks and the registry agent is about to speak up, maybe to intervene and say that it’s going a bit fast or something when Pavel just shrugs. If not this one, there’ll be someone else. Another stranger with expensive clothes and jewellery. Another man he doesn’t care about so where’s the difference? And he doesn’t want to know what the office will say if he doesn’t agree to any of their candidates. Maybe they will force him at some point, or they will send him somewhere else, where he is even further away from everything he knows and cares about. So it is better to just accept his fate he thinks. After all he can still try to be whatever this man wants from him and then he might be allowed to keep visiting Hikaru’s family and maybe he will even be able to see his own family aboard the Enterprise again one day. The thought gives him the strength to look up and give a curt little nod. If he will only be able to see Leonard again, even if the man he loves will be forever unreachable for him, then he doesn’t care about what he has to do for it.

The man seems happy, a wide smile stretching over his thin, chapped lips, as he turns to face the registry office. “Can we fill out the paperwork right away?”

The agent is about to say something in return when something happens that no one is expecting.

The door is thrown open with enough force that she slams into the wall, making the two humans in the room jump and turn their heads. Pavel takes a bit longer to register what’s going on, still too focused on the growing cloud of dark and nothing inside him to follow the others gazes right away.

Someone is standing in the doorway. Someone with ruffled, dark brown hair and beautiful dark eyes. Someone who is wearing the formal grey uniform, a silver pin on their chest that announces them part of the medical division and a look of determination on their face.

“Excuse me, sir, you can’t-“ The agent begins while the stranger just sits dumbfounded and with an open mouth, staring at the man in the door without knowing what to say. Pavel is staring too. Not sure if this is just another dream of his or a fantasy of his tortured mind, he doesn’t dare to hope and clutches his hands in his lap. His mind is racing, his thoughts are swimming around in the mess that is his emotions. _Leonard. Leonard is here… why has he come? What is going on?_

„Oh believe me, I can. That’s my bondmate you have there and I wouldn’t recommend holding him for any longer. I have a formal order from the authorities in case you try anything and believe me I will get all of you to answer for what you do to those poor people in front of a judge anyway.” His voice is dropping lower until he is almost growling and there is so much authority in his voice that the agent’s eyes widen.

“Your mate? I’m sorry, we… we weren’t informed about this.” The man in the black suit glances from the newly arrived Starfleet officer to Pavel and back again.

“Who are you even?” The man with the golden wristwatch and ring chimes in and his face is a mask of fury, obviously because someone interrupted him before he could seal the deal.

Leonard doesn’t even spare him a glance. “The name’s McCoy. Lieutenant Leonard McCoy of the Enterprise. And if I were you I’d get out of here as quickly as possible before I demonstrate how quickly I can put you in a hospital.” The look in the doctor’s eyes is enough to make the other man get out of his chair and with a last glare at the young Russian in the other chair leave the room. Before he can step into the hallway though, Leonard grabs his arm. His grip must be tight enough to hurt the guy and it’s only due to Pavel’s good ears that he can hear what the doctor is mumbling into his ear. “If you ever get near my mate again I will show you what a trained surgeon can do to a man.” With that he lets him go and the man quickly disappears into the corridor.

As soon as he is gone, Leonard loses the hard look on his face. His features soften into something else, worry maybe, pain, fear. Pavel doesn’t know what it is but it doesn’t matter. When the doctor crosses the room and kneels down before him, he hesitantly takes the hands that reach out for him. “You are here. You are reelly here for me.” He whispers as though he believes that it will stop being real when he speaks too loudly. But Leonard doesn’t disappear. He just wraps his arms around him and pulls him into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry Pavel. I’m so sorry I let you wait for so long.” His words are vibrating through the shifter’s body and he grips the older man’s shirt tightly, holding onto him to make sure that he doesn’t leave him again. Leonard’s warmth is seeping through his clothes, through his skin and it fills him up completely, chasing away the darkness and cold. The snow stops falling and the ice is melting. “Can you forgive me? For everything I’ve said and done? I was a fool I should’ve listened, I shouldn’t have…”

But the Russian stops him, shuts him up by pulling away enough so he can seal their lips with a kiss. If anyone has to apologise it’s him, not the doctor but there are no words left he could use. So he uses this instead, pouring everything that is on his mind into the kiss, pulling him closer as though he never wants to let go of him again. And Leonard returns it with just as much passion. His hands roam the younger man’s back and his lips are soft and warm and demanding against his, tongues sneaking out to meet and entangle. They forget about everything else for a while, losing themselves in the sensation of being close, exchanging kisses until they’re breathless.

It is only then that they remember where they are and that there is still a world around them that demands their attention.

Slowly Leonard pulls back but he’s still on his knees and he’s still close enough for Pavel to leave his hands resting on his shoulders. They both need the contact right now, they both need to know that everything is going to be alright if they’re just together. The Russian watches him fumble with something gin his pocket before he pulls out a small, gift wrapped package. With a little smile he offers it to Pavel. The older man’s expression is full of hope and something akin to nervousness when he carefully unwraps the present, only to almost drop it on the ground when he sees what it is. It’s a black collar made of a material that he doesn’t know. It looks like leather but it’s softer and on the inside there are silver letters. _Леонард_ _._ For a while he doesn’t know what to say, his fingers trace the simple but beautiful band in his hand, mesmerised by the feeling before he looks up again, a questioning look on his face.

“I heard it’s a custom among your kind. I thought about it, what you said back on the ship. Will you still have me as your mate?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the smut you've all been waiting for

 

 _“Will you still have me as your mate?_ ” The smile on the kid’s face is so wide that it almost reaches his ears and it’s lighting up his whole face like a new-born sun. “Of course I vill! You are ze only mate I vant! I love you!” The words sound so wonderful on his lips and they leave Leonard speechless for a moment, before he takes the boy’s face in his hands to give him a real kiss.

“I love you too, Pavel. I’m sorry for not realising earlier.” But the Russian shushes him and presses the collar back into his hand.

The doctor raises a questioning eyebrow but then Pavel leans in to whisper into his ear. “I vant you to put eet on me.” And the bubble of happiness in his chest grows even bigger like it’s trying to break open his chest and float out into the open sky. Gently he puts the collar around the younger man’s neck and closes it. Not wanting to hurt him in any way, he’s extra careful and checks that it’s not too tight or anything. When he draws back again so he can see it properly. It looks beautiful against the Russian’s pale skin and the sight sends a wave of pride through his body, while his mind is whispering _mine._

They probably could’ve stayed like this for a whole while longer and Leonard is about to give in to the urge to kiss him again, when the registry agent finally interrupts them by clearing his throat. “Now this is all quite nice but there are a few official papers you’ll have to fill out if you want to be listed as his mate officially.” The man doesn’t seem very comfortable, maybe because of the Lieutenant’s threat – or rather announcement – earlier or because he is being subjected to a display of such intimacy. _He’s probably not used to it. After all his job is to sell poor kids to people they’ve never met before._ Leonard’s inner voice adds sarcastically.

“Of course.” His voice is cool, now that he’s no longer addressing Pavel, and he slowly rises to his feet again but without letting go of the Russian’s hand. “Just tell me whatever I have to do.”

They take photos and subject him to a physical examination that he would usually protest against – he’s a doctor it’s been about twenty years since he last had an examination by anyone else but himself – but knowing that it’s necessary to stay with Pavel, he lets it happen. In the end he has an ID similar to the one every shifter gets, only that his does not only have his own data on it but also his mate’s. It seems unfair to put the shifter’s life into his hands like this, not that he minds taking care of him – that’s kind of the point of the whole marriage thing, right – but it seems as though Pavel is being stripped of his independence. In this moment he promises himself that he will never again try to take away the kid’s right to decide what’s best for himself. If they are to spend the rest of their lives together, they should trust in each other and in each other’s desire to do what’s best for the both of them.

“Now if you would only sign these…” The agent sounds happy to finally get rid of them and he quickly pushes the PaDD over to him so he can sign everything. At first he sees nothing wrong with the contract, it’s just a legal thing that he promises to take care of his shifter, that he understands he’s a human being and not a pet and that he will make sure nothing happens to him etc. It sounds pretentious after having heard the stories about rich people bonding with shifters just to keep them as trophy pets but he doesn’t word his doubts. If everything goes according to plan, they will be bringing down this whole registration office sooner or later. Jim promised him as much and if what he said is true, then Spock even contacted New Vulcan to ask for the support of the eldest. About to leave his signature on the bottom of the page, he suddenly stops, his gaze falling onto something else entirely.

It’s Pavel’s file. The file the doctors here put together with all his measurements and test results. It’s not the results that bother him though, it is the little word, scribbled in red next to the cat’s species. **Endling.** Leonard looks up questioningly and if looks could kill the agent would probably drop dead in this very moment. Just when he’s about to demand an explanation, the man in the dark suit nods hastily and then glances over the doctor’s shoulder at the boy who is still curled up in the comfortable chair in the corner of the room. It dawns him then that the records he’s read about the Amur Leopard are at least a few decades old. “You can’t be serious.” He asks quietly, waiting for the other male to tell him it was all a mistake.

But the agent only shakes his head a sorrowful expression on his face. “It’s why we tried so hard to find a suitable mate and ensure… well. I understand that you will take good care of him. Value him as what he is.” _The rarest of shifters. The last of his kind._

The doctor only nods, unwilling to discuss the matter any further and signs. With that done there is nothing else to keep them there. Giving the agent a last, curt nod, he turns around and steps over to the chair. The kid is almost asleep and Leonard considers carrying him but then he is taking his hand and scrambling to get back onto his feet. It feels as though a huge weight just fell off his shoulders, the moment they step out of the building and into the cool autumn air of San Francisco. For a little moment they just stand there, hand in hand and Pavel snuggles up closer to him. Without thinking, he wraps his arms around him and buries his nose in his hair. The familiar scent makes his lips curl into a gentle a happy smile and he waits until the younger man hesitantly draws back.

“What do you want to do now?” Leonard asks and he can see the uncertainty in Pavel’s eyes.

“I do not know. I- vhat are you going to do? I am not Starfleet anymore and I do not vish to force you to stay on eerz viz me, but I cannot go back to ze Enterprise viz you…” But the doctor shushes him before he can say anything else.

“Jim asked for a second hearing. He wants to convince the admiralty that you’re the best navigator he could get and the only one he wants. He even said something about threatening to resign and I don’t think anyone wants to see Captain James T. Kirk go anywhere. So we’ll just have to wait a bit until they give you back your rank and then we can go back together. If that is what you want of course?”

The expression on Pavel’s features is one of surprised disbelief before it is replaced by a smile so bright it could put the twin stars over New Vulcan to shame. “Zat is a wery stupid qwestion, Leonard.” And with a more serious look on his face he adds: “I vant to stay viz you. I vould lowe to go back to ze ship, go back home. But I vould go anyvhere as long as I can be viz you. And I do not just say zat, I reelly zink so. You could be going to ze end of ze uniwerse and I vould go viz you.”

The words take away his breath for a little moment and he finds himself desperately searching for the right answer. “I love you.” It’s all he gets out. “God, kid, what have you done to me. You’ve made an old emotional fool out of me.” But he’s still smiling because right now it seems like everything is going to work out. Maybe they do have a chance to be happy together after all, maybe all his worries were truly gratuitous because he has all he wanted right here and no one is going to take it away from him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Pavel mumbles and he leans up on his toes to kiss him, his long fingers on the doctor’s cheek. “My родственная душа.”

The kiss is gentle and slow and lasts for an eternity because neither of them is willing to let go of this wonderful feeling. They belong somewhere, if they don’t have anywhere else they still have this. Finally the Russian pulls back and looks up at him, his eyes warm and his fingertips unconsciously tracing the collar around his neck. Night is falling and they hurry to get the few of Pavel’s belongings form the dormitory before Leonard drives them to the apartment he’s staying at whenever he’s in town. Starfleet offers residences to all the deployed senior officers and it’s a lot more spacey and comfortable than the dormitory on campus though he only spent a few nights there so far.

It’s bright, through the large windows one can see most of the skyline and the walls are painted in a light blue and yellow.

“I like eet.” Pavel exclaims, when he drops his bag on one of the chairs and moves to sit on the couch. Despite his cheerful behaviour he still looks lost and it awakens the urge to hold him and protect him in the older man.

“We should eat something first. Before you starve to death over there.” He just grumbles in order to distract himself from the boy sprawled out on his couch and disappears into the kitchen. Why it even has a kitchen is another question because he doesn’t know many people who actually still cook things, not if they have a replicator at hand.

“I vant somezeng sveet. All zey gawe me in ze last veeks vas so horribly healzy.” Arms are being wrapped around his waist from behind and he feels the younger man lean against him, nosing at his spine through the uniform. Warmth spreads through him and with a glance over his shoulder, he chuckles softly.

“I’m afraid you’ll turn into candy if you eat any more of it.” But he replicates ice-cream for the both of them nevertheless. It’s kind of like shore leave, he should forget about his duties as a doctor for a while to tend to his duties as a… mate, husband, whatever, he still has to come to terms with that part. Pavel sticks out his tongue and snatches the ice-cream before making his way back to the couch. It seems oddly domestic all of this, when he follows the younger male over to the living room and sits down next to him, his own bowl in hands. Still, he likes it. Maybe it’s his age that makes him crave these things, domesticity, love, comfort. Without really thinking about it, he lays an arm around the kid’s shoulders and pulls him against his side.

Pavel gives a little purr – it’s an actual purr and it’s almost adorable – and settles against him, too busy devouring his ice-cream to pay much attention to his mate. Chuckling again, he starts on his own dessert – or dinner, really, they will have to eat some real food later or else they’ll wake up hungry in the middle of the night. They eat quietly for a little while until the Russian sets down the empty bowl on the small coffee table and begins to lick his spoon clean. The sight makes Leonard stop in his motion to scoop more ice-cream onto his own spoon.

But the kid obviously isn’t even aware of what he’s doing when he licks his spoon clean and then deposits it in the bowl on the table before cuddling up to his mate again. “Vhat?” He asks, looking up and Leonard only shakes his head.

Without another word he brings his spoon to the boy’s lips and after a surprised blink, he happily closes his mouth around it. The doctor keeps feeding him with the rest of his own ice-cream until there’s nothing left. Without hesitating he leans in and licks a bit of ice-cream from Pavel’s upper lip. A little moan escapes the younger male’s throat, before he reaches up to tangle his hands in the soft brown hair and pulls him down into a real kiss. The sweet taste of ice-cream dominates the kiss but when their tongues slide against each other Leonard can taste something that he vaguely recognises as something inherently Pavel.

Leonard barely manages to put away his own empty bowl before the navigator drags him down and they end up in a strange, half lying position on the couch. But the doctor can’t waste another thought to the awkwardness of their situation when Pavel’s hand is suddenly pressed against his crotch, his skilled fingers teasingly running over the growing bulge in his trousers. They’re out of breath, when he’s pulling away from the kiss enough to look down at the kid. “You sure you want this?” He manages to get out, stifling a little groan when the boy only licks his pretty lips and nods, his fingers still pressing against his hardness.

And god he could just go along with this if he didn’t remember the promise he gave himself the last time. “Wait.” The Russian only raises an eyebrow and Leonard only leans down to kiss him again. “Let’s take this to the bedroom okay.” And yes, maybe he is a ridiculous romantic and a sappy old man but he doesn’t want their first time to happen on a couch that is barely wide enough for the both of them to find space on it.

Pavel grins widely and instead of answering, brings his arms up to wrap them around his mate’s neck in a wordless request. “Don’t get used to this.” Leonard murmurs into his ear, as he picks the kid up. He’s lost weight over the past month, he thinks for a little moment, before a set of lips on his neck quickly distract him from the thoughts. “Vhat if I do? As your mate I demand zat you vill carry me eweryvhere.” The shifter’s breath is hot against his skin and he can’t suppress the shiver running down his spine. With a grunt, he carries him over into the bedroom and unceremoniously throws him onto the mattress of the bed. The kid only keeps grinning at him, licking his lips and running his hands over his own chest.

Leonard hurries to take off his boots before he crawls onto the bed too, fascinated for a little moment by how perfectly he can cover the younger man’s body with his own. Licking his way into the boy’s mouth, he runs his hands down his sides and slips them under his shirt. The skin is hot and soft under his touch, just as he remembers it. Breaking the kiss he takes his time to strip Pavel of his clothes, easily catching his wrists in one hand when the kid reaches out to do the same to him and pressing them into the pillow over his head. “Mine.” He only whispers as he presses his lips to Pavel’s neck, kissing and licking his way over the smooth skin. Leaving soft, open mouthed kisses in his wake he makes his way to one of his nipples.

Smirking at the gasp that escapes Pavel’s lips at that, he begins to suck on the hard nub, playing with it for a little moment before gently biting down. The moan he receives in return is delicious. Determined to get more of those pretty sounds out of his lover, he moves to the other side, teasing the nipple with the tip of his tongue before sucking it into his mouth and scraping his teeth over the sensitive skin. Pavel is writhing underneath him but Leonard gives him barely space to move. His free hand runs over his sides and stomach as if he’s trying to create a mental map of the body underneath him.

And he does, he wants to remember all of this, the wonderful sounds Pavel makes, the way he bucks his hips, desperately trying to get some friction. His lips travel lower, leaving the tortured nub behind and instead leaving a line of hot kisses down to his narrow hips.

“Pleese, Leonard.” Pavel’s voice is soft, higher pitched than usually. “Let me touch you…” The boy moves his hands and Leonard lets go of his wrists, granting his wish solely because it enables him to move further down. Pavel’s hands are on his shoulders, when he starts licking along his hipbone. His own hands are on the inside of boy’s thighs, barely touching him there as he maps out every inch of skin without getting any closer to Pavel’s sex. The younger man whines, bucking his hips in a futile attempt to urge him on and Leonard smirks. Instead of giving Pavel what he wants’ he backs off, leaning back on his knees to look at him.

For a moment the doctor is literally stunned by the sight. Pavel’s flush spreads from his reddened face to his pale chest and the sweat makes his skin shimmer in the dimmed light. His mouth his hanging open and he’s breathing heavily, looking up at him with half lidded eyes. His irises, once again overtaken by this almost eerie green glow, are almost swallowed by the black of his pupils.

 _You’re beautiful._ But the words are stuck in his throat, as another feeling overwhelms him. It feels right. All of this feels so very right. Giving in to the urge rising in his chest he leans down and claims Pavel’s lips in a desperate, hungry kiss that the boy returns with the same passion, want, _need._

„I vant you.“ He pants out, his voice barely a whisper and the words are heavy with his accent.

“What do I have to do?”

The Russian blinks, obviously for a moment confused as to what he means. “I- I zought you did zis before…”

Leonard huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. “Course I have. I meant for the bonding. What do I have to do?” Because despite everything he’s read up on shifters, he’s somehow always avoided this chapter of the story.

The kid seems to hesitate for a moment, oddly serious for the state he’s in, as he looks up at him with his lust blown eyes. “You are sure you vant to do zis?” It’s him asking this time and the doctor can see the hope but also the insecurity in his eyes.

“Of course I am.” He leans in to gently meld their lips together, trying to pour every little bit of how much he wants Pavel into the touch. “You just have to tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

The Russian hums, returning the kiss and tearing at his uniform jacket. The mischievous glint returns to his eyes, as he licks over Leonard’s ear. “Take off your clozes first. Zey look good on you but you look better vizout zem.”

The doctor hurries to comply, taking off the uniform he’s put so much effort in putting on this morning so he’d be able to make a lasting impression. He doesn’t get to ask for the next step because once he’s gotten rid of his underwear too, Pavel pulls him down onto the bed again, kissing him enthusiastically while letting his hands roam over Leonard’s body. Everywhere their bared skin touches, it sends electric sparks through his whole body. They fit together perfectly, he thinks as he brings down his hips. Their erections rub together and it makes both of them gasp for air.

“Bite me.” Pavel gasps into his ear.

“What?”

“You haff to bite me.” The Russian grabs his hand and brings it up to the back of his neck. “Zere is nerwes zere zat trigger…” He falters, muttering a few words in Russian and grinds their hips together again, before he continues. “Trigger chemical reaktion. To initiae ze bonding.” He sounds as wrecked as he looks and Leonard adores it. Without questioning, he brings his lips up to the back of his necks and bites down. At first he’s afraid he’s been too harsh when Pavel cries out under him, his whole body surging up but the boy’s hands are on his back and his voice is sugar sweet in his ears, as he urges him to keep going.

Leonard bites and sucks at the spot, leaving it swollen and red and bruised. Pavel has wrapped his legs around his waist, hopelessly rutting against him now and whimpering in pleasure as the different sensations rush through his body. When he lets his lips fall from the tormented skin, the boy let’s out another shaky breath. His thin lips are pressed to the doctor’s ear, as he mumbles: “ _Трахни меня_ _._ Fuck me! Oh god, Leonard, pleese… pleese fuck me.”

And Leonard has to pull himself together to not come right there and then, the kid’s broken voice and desperate rutting is almost too much for him. It’s been a while since he’s last done this. With a little growl he untangles himself from Pavel to look around for something he can use as lube. Of course he’s not prepared for this, his last name isn’t Kirk. Pavel seems to read his mind – or it’s just obvious what he’s looking for - and he crawls over to the edge of the bed to reach for his trousers. Out of his pocket he produces a tiny package of medical lube. At Leonard’s raised eyebrow, he only smirks and admits that he has snatched it from the medical supply closet earlier.

The doctor plucks it from his hand and pushes him back onto his back. “Open up for me.” He mumbles darkly and without waiting he grabs Pavel’s legs and drags him down the bed a bit, hiking both of his legs over his shoulders so he’s nearly folded in two. The boy gasps, his flushed cock hard and leaking against his stomach but his eyes wide open as he looks up at him, wordlessly begging him to do something.

If he wasn’t so far gone himself he would take his time teasing him, maybe even open him up with his lips and his tongue before he slowly fingerfucks him until he comes all over himself but he doesn’t have the patience for that now. So he slicks up his fingers with the lube and pushes two of them into Pavel’s entrance. The boy doesn’t even pull a face, just drops his head back and swallows thickly. The way his throat moves, gives Leonard a whole lot of other ideas and he tears his gaze away to focus on the job at hand. Gently he works him open, scissoring his fingers before he carefully pushes in a third one. As a doctor he knows the human body like his vest pocket and it takes him barely a few seconds to find what he’s looking for. Crooking his fingers he lightly brushes the tips over Pavel’s prostate. The boy cries out, back arching off the bed as he squeezes his eyes shut. Watching Pavel like this robs him of the last bit of patience and he roughly pulls his fingers out to reach for the lube again.

Quickly he spreads the rest of the lube over himself before he lines his erection up with Pavel’s entrance. Leaning up he catches the boy’s lips in a kiss, swallowing down his moan when he pushes in. It’s slow, he has to be careful because Pavel is so goddamn tight and it takes his breath away. Inch for inch he slides into the heat of his pliant body and Leonard can hear his blood rushing in his ears as he finally bottoms out. They’re both panting heavily. The doctor takes a moment to let Pavel adjust and just watches him, drinking in the sight of his lover bent in two underneath him, all around him.

“Move.” Pavel mumbles but Leonard doesn’t listen. He just experimentally rolls his hips a bit, before he stills again. “ _Пожалуйста!_ Pleese...” The sound is so lovely from those kiss-swollen lips but it’s not what he wants to hear.

“Say it. That name you used in your message to me… I want to hear you say it.” He breathes, though it takes all of his self-restraint not to move when all he wants is to fuck Pavel until he screams.

“Lyonya… _Oh my Lyonya…”_ It sounds a thousand times better than he imagined it and a thousand times hotter, uttered by this breathless, gorgeous human being. With a growl he leans down and devours his lips in a kiss as he starts to move. Leonard pulls back and pushes back in fast enough to make Pavel gasp for air underneath him. His own breath hitches with every thrust as he speeds up, rolling his hips until he finds Pavel’s sweet spot again and then abusing it mercilessly every time he pushes in again.

“Pavel.” He groans out and _‘Pavel’_ again and again as he drives into him, forgetting all about his rhythm the closer he gets to the edge. His lips find the spot at the back of Pavel’s neck again and he bites down, satisfied by the way the young man wails. His tongue and teeth busy with worrying the skin even further, he pushes one hand between their bodies to tug at Pavel’s cock.

It doesn’t take more than that to throw him over the edge and with a cry on his lips Pavel comes apart underneath him. His whole body surges up, clenching around him, hands desperately clawing at Leonard’s bared back as rides out his orgasm. The way he’s moving around Leonard, tightening even further drags him down as well, lips still pressed to the skin of his neck, stifling the loud moan threatening to escape him. His vision is filled with stars, as he pushes into Pavel again, filling him up with his release before his hips stutter. They stay like this for another moment, both lost in their pleasure and their panting the only sound filling the room. Leonard carefully eases out of him and manoeuvres his legs back onto the bed, before he collapses onto the mattress next to him.

Boneless and tired he rolls around to face his lover, when there’s a sudden stab of pain in his mind. With a cringe he wants to sit up but before he can even try to figure out where the pain is located, it’s gone already. Instead there’s another sensation, something else completely, like a warmth filling up his mind and from there spreading through his whole body. Eyes wide in amazement, he turns to look at Pavel only to see the same expression of surprise on his features. They lock eyes and somehow Leonard can not only see but also feel the gentle smile spreading over Pavel’s lips.

“I love you.” He whispers, as he shifts closer and Leonard immediately wraps an arm around him, pressing them close together. And he knows they should get up or at least clean themselves a bit but he can’t muster up the energy to move right now. Instead he just presses his lips to Pavel’s forehead.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wanted to make more out of the whole endling thing but then it kind of got lost among the rest of the plot and I think it's okay like this too?


	13. Chapter 13

 

Despite what Leonard said before it takes almost a month until a second hearing is scheduled. To his own surprise Pavel doesn’t really mind the wait.

“Eet is like our honeymoon.” The Russian suggests one time. For a moment he almost worries he’s said something wrong when Leonard doesn’t answer. A huff is all he gets after a moment and then the rustling of the blanket when his mate moves to face him. It’s still early, the first few rays of autumn sun just finding their way through the blinds. But even without his shifter vision, he’d be able to see the fond expression on Leonard’s face. More than that he feels it at the back of his mind, the unwavering warmth and affection that is seeping through their bond.

It took them a few weeks to get used to the feeling of being connected like that. Whenever they separate it feels like they’re missing something or rather, like they’ve forgotten something important even though they only ever parted ways for a few hours and never was there more than a few miles between them. The first time it was disorientating and almost painful and after only a few minutes they found themselves back at the apartment, cuddled up on the couch. And even after four weeks of the same routine the sensation of being reunited again took them by surprise every time, sending thrills down their spines. It would fade after a while, one of the counsellors at the Academy told them, once their bodies and minds got used to the bond but it would never go away completely.

“I thought you’d want to spend our honeymoon in Russia. After all it’s the best place on earth and everything.” Leonard raises an eyebrow and Pavel just shrugs.

“Of course I like eet but eet is not zat great. And eet is cold.” With a grin, he snuggles up to his lover and presses a little kiss to his chin. “I only talk about Russia so much because eet annoys eweryvone on ze bridge vhen I do eet. Eet is reelly funny to see zeir reaktions ewery time I do eet.” The doctor just shakes his head but he can’t hide his amusement as he wraps an arm around the younger man’s waist to pull him closer. What remains unspoken is that they could never do as much good going on sightseeing tours in Saint Petersburg as they’re doing here.

Commander Spock had held his words in contacting the new Vulcan government and together with Ambassador Sarek they have slowly started a movement to ensure that every shifter, rare or not, will get the chance to decide over their own fate. Leonard has offered to go to the meetings alone but Pavel insisted on going with him. He still has to think about the other shifters at the dormitory and how they spend their lives waiting to be sold to their new mate. It is nothing he wishes for anyone of his kind and – should it ever come to it – his own children. They have never talked about the issue. Pavel is afraid to ask Leonard what his opinion on the matter is and the doctor doesn’t force him to talk about what is troubling him. It can wait, the shifter decided. At least until they’re back on the ship and maybe for another few years then.

There is something else between them. Something Leonard isn’t telling him. It only came up once during the talk with Ambassador Sarek but the feeling that there is something his mate is keeping from him hasn’t left since then. Once again Pavel decided not to ask him about it. Because he trusts Leonard and if his mate thinks it better to not talk about whatever it is that’s on his mind then it is for the best.

Tearing himself away from the thoughts, the Russian yawns and slowly frees himself from the other’s embrace. A glance at the chronometer tells him that he only has about an hour until he’s expected at the Academy for his hearing. Until now he was too tired to actually be nervous – Leonard made it his mission the night before to keep his mind and body otherwise occupied – but now that he has only so much time left until the judges will decide over his fate, he feels the anxiety crawling up his spine. Out of the corner of his eyes he can see his mate sitting up and shooting him a worried glance and he does his best to soothe his own nerves. With a little smile he disappears into the bathroom to get himself ready.

His reflection looks back at him with a knowing expression and Pavel blinks a few times. His eyes stay their usual blue-grey. There is no trace of the eerie green that usually sneaks into his irises at night and he wonders if it is because he no longer has to hide this part of himself. Maybe now that he spends more time in his other form the cat is no longer on edge like it was back on the ship. At first Leonard wasn’t really comfortable around the big cat but now he doesn’t seem to mind it anymore. Now Pavel can shift whenever he feels like it and just drape himself over his mate and wordlessly demand that he scratches behind his ears. If it is still weird for the doctor to cuddle with a fully grown Amur Leopard, he hides it perfectly.

It is strange to put on casual clothes for this but then again, he’s no longer Starfleet so he has no right to wear the uniform until he gets accepted back into the ranks of the fleet. His hands falter when he’s about to put on his jacket. What if they will stick to their initial decision? Sure, Captain Kirk has promised that everything will be alright but what if he’s wrong? The thought has been crossing his mind often the last days but he’s always managed to push it aside. Pavel doesn’t want to think about what he will do if he won’t be allowed to return to the ship.

Arms sneak around his middle and Leonard pulls him back against his chest. “You worry too much.” The voice is low in his ear, as his mate proceeds to press little kisses to his temple. “It’s gonna be okay. And if they don’t take you back, we’ll find something else to do.” It is the promise that not even this will be able to separate them, that comforts him, more than the promise that it’s going to work out.

The auditorium is as empty as it was the first time he was here. Apart from the few Starfleet officers and Admirals no one is present to witness the hearing. They can’t get a stable transmission to the Enterprise either so neither Captain Kirk nor Commander Spock will be able to help him now. The only difference is that this time he’s not alone. Leonard is right next to him, not holding his hand but close enough that Pavel can feel him. And he’s in his mind, comforting him, soothing him and surrounding him with all the confidence and love he can offer. It is enough to help Pavel straighten his back when the judges address him again and ask him to step forward to accept the decision that has been made.

 _You don’t have to stay on earth with me._ His eyes say, when he turns around to glance at his mate again. But the doctor only shakes his head. Leonard won’t leave him, no matter what happens. With that in mind, he steps up to the podium again and looks up. However this hearing ends, whether he walks out of these doors as a Starfleet officer once again or not, he’s no longer alone.

And that is all he needs to know.

-The End-


End file.
